How to Keep Your Cool When Dem Criticize You

Person talk the thing. Maybe na your boss for review, maybe na teammate for front of the room, maybe na message wey just sit there for your screen. "This part no work." And before you decide anything, your face don hot, your belle drop, and small voice for your head don already dey build the case for defense.

That reaction fast because na so e suppose be. You no choose am. The interesting work no dey inside to stop the surge, wey you mostly no fit stop, e dey inside wetin you do for the few seconds after am. Na for those seconds your reputation, your relationships, and frankly your learning all dey live. The good news na say you fit train dem.

Why comment fit feel like threat

Your brain no dey keep a tidy line between physical danger and social danger. When dem criticize you, especially for front of others, e dey register for some of the same circuitry wey dey fire when something really dey wrong. The alarm part of your brain no dey wait for the facts. E just dey sound.

When that alarm take over, the slower, wiser part of your brain, the part wey dey weigh evidence and choose words, go quiet. Na why people dey talk things for the heat of a review wey dem for never talk if dem sleep on am for one night. You no weak because you feel am. You be human, dey run very old software.

Second thing dey happen too. Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone the researchers, wey spend years dey study why feedback dey so hard to take, point out say any piece of criticism dey actually trip three different wires at once. The question of whether e *true*. How you feel about the *person* wey deliver am. And wetin e look like say e dey talk about *who you be*. A small note about spreadsheet fit quietly turn to "I no good for my job," or "I no be the person wey I think say I be." That jump, from comment to identity, na most of wetin dey make criticism sting pass wetin the actual words deserve.

The first ninety seconds

Na this part matter most, so na am go get the most room.

The goal no be to feel calm. Na to act steady while you dey feel whatever you dey feel. Small things wey really dey help, in roughly the order wey you go use dem:

1. Catch the surge and breathe out. The moment wey you feel the heat, take one slow, long exhale before anything else. Long out-breath na the fastest physical signal wey you fit send your body say the emergency don finish. Plant your feet. Drop your shoulders. You dey buy yourself the gap.
2. Call wetin you feel, quietly. This one get real science behind am. When you put a feeling into words, even just to yourself, the alarm for your brain go settle measurably and the thinking part go come back online. So inside your own head: *I dey feel defensive. I dey embarrassed.* Na so. Researchers dey call am affect labeling, and e dey work in seconds.
3. Buy one sentence of time. You almost never gats respond instantly. A simple "Make I make sure say I understand" or "Give me a second make I take am in" completely professional, and e dey hand your slower brain the few moments wey e need.
4. Get curious instead of to dey build your case. While you dey defend, you no fit dey learn, the two no fit happen at once. Try to really hear the thing before you sort am. You go get all the time for the world to evaluate am later.

None of this need make you gree. E just dey keep you for the room as the person wey you go wan be, instead of the one wey dey react.

Sort am out afterward, no be for the moment

Once the heat don pass, usually well after the conversation, you fit do the real thinking. No be all criticism dey equal, and dem allow you to weigh am.

Small honest questions dey help:

• One true thing dey here, even a small one, wey I fit use? Almost always e dey there, and to find am dey more useful pass to judge the rest.
• Who this one come from, and dem get the vantage point to see wetin dem dey describe? Feedback from person wey dey watch you work daily worth more pass drive-by opinion.
• This one na about my work, or na I let am slide into verdict on me as a person? Pull those two apart on purpose. Your spreadsheet get flaw. You no be the flaw.

Heen and Stone suggest a small, powerful move when you really want to grow: ask one person for one thing. "Name one thing wey I fit do different wey go make difference." E dey turn the vague dread of make dem judge you into something specific and finite, wey far easier for your nervous system to hold.

E dey help to remember wetin feedback usually be, even when e land like verdict. Most of am na one person view from where dem happen to dey stand, wey their own day, their own job, their own blind spots shape. Their note about your work dey tell you something real about how e look from over there. E no dey hand down ruling on your worth. To hold am that loosely, as useful information instead of sentence, na wetin dey let you take the good of am without to absorb the rest.

When e no be feedback for real

Make we talk plain. Some criticism no be to help you dem offer am. Na contempt, or na person dey manage their own bad day for your expense, dey dress am up as note. You no owe that one the same open mind.

You fit still keep your composure, that na for you, no be for dem, while you quietly decide say the content no worth to keep. To stay steady no mean to swallow everything. E mean say na you, no be your alarm system, go choose wetin you take in. A calm "I hear you, I go think about am" fit close door as cleanly as e dey open one.

And if the criticism for your life don tip over into something wey really dey wear you down, a pattern of make dem demean you, a workplace wey dey leave you anxious before you even reach, that no be composure problem to solve with deep breath. That one worth to talk through with person wey you trust, and, if the weight of am dey follow you go house and into your sleep, with therapist or your doctor. Difference dey between a hard note and a slow harm. You deserve support to tell dem apart.

The steadiness wey you build here dey pay off for a quiet way. The people wey fit hear hard truth without to scatter na the ones wey others dey trust with hard truths, and that trust na most of wetin real influence dey make of.

Sources

• Harvard Business Review, Find the Coaching in Criticism (Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone)
• UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
• PubMed, Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity (Lieberman et al., 2007)
• American Psychological Association, Control Anger Before It Controls You