How To Handle Person Wey Dey Difficult

You probably picture dem before you finish di headline. Di colleague wey get comment for everything. Di relative wey dey turn dinner into test. Di boss wey mood you dey read like weather. One particular kind of tiredness dey wey dey come from person wey you no fit avoid and no fit fix, and if you dey carry am right now, you no dey do drama. Steady, ongoing friction with one human dey take real toll.

Na di honest starting point be dis. You no fit reach inside person and change who dem be. Wetin you fit change na how much room dem dey take up for your head, how you dey respond when dem push, and wetin you ready to accept. Dat one na smaller lever pass wetin we dey wish for. E also turn out to be enough, most of di time.

First, wetin "difficult" actually dey tell you

E dey help to slow down on di word itself. "Difficult" na judgment, no be fact, and di moment you hang am on person e start to color everything wey dem do. Dey write for Harvard Business Review, Amy Gallo point out say to label person dey lock you into single story about dem, wey then dey quietly shape how you read dem next move. Dem sigh, and you hear contempt. Dem go quiet, and you hear snub. Maybe. Or maybe dem swamped, or scared, or as tired of dis dynamic as you.

Dis one no be about to excuse bad behavior. Na about to keep your own thinking flexible, because rigid story dey make you predictable and reactive, wey na exactly di state where difficult people hardest to handle.

So before you strategize, get curious for one second. Wetin dis person behavior dey protect? Most chronic difficulty na clumsy attempt to manage something underneath. Status. Fear of to be wrong. Need to feel useful, or safe, or in control. You no need to diagnose dem. You just need to remember say dem dey run from something too. E dey soften di grip wey di conflict get on you.

Calm na di whole game

When person dey needle you, your body dey react before your judgment catch up. Heart faster, jaw tight, hot urge to fire back or shut down. For dat state you dey talk things wey you for never choose with clear head. Di difficult person, meanwhile, often dey do better for chaos pass you. No hand dem di chaos.

Small, well-studied move dey wey dey help more pass as e suppose: name wetin you dey feel, to yourself, for plain words. *I dey vex. I dey embarrassed. I feel cornered.* Team of neuroscientists wey Matthew Lieberman lead for UCLA find say to simply put feeling into words dey quiet di brain alarm center, di amygdala, and dey bring di more reasoning part of your brain back online. Researchers dey call am affect labeling. You fit call am to buy yourself one beat. Either way, dat quiet half-sentence inside your own head na often di difference between reaction wey you regret and response wey you choose.

Few things wey dey make to stay calm easier when you fit feel di surge dey come:

• Breathe out slowly before you talk. One long exhale dey tell your body say di danger smaller pass as e feel.
• Lower your voice instead of to raise am. Volume wey you control na self wey you control.
• Buy time out loud. "Make I think about dat one and get back to you" na complete, powerful sentence. Almost nothing genuinely need instant answer.
• Put your feet on di floor and your shoulders down. You no fit think your way to calm while your body still dey braced for fight.

Talk di real thing, kindly and clearly

When you do talk, di goal no be to soften yourself into doormat or sharpen yourself into weapon. Na to be assertive, wey dey sit between dat two. Assertive mean say you state wetin true for you and wetin you need, directly, without to attack di other person. E rest on di idea say both of una matter here.

Di most reliable tool for dis one plain and small old-fashioned: talk from your own experience instead of dem faults.

• Instead of "You always dey interrupt me," try "I go like finish my thought before we move on."
• Instead of "You impossible to plan with," try "I need yes or no by Thursday so I fit book di room."
• Instead of "You dey unfair," try "Dis one no feel fair to me, and I wan understand how you take reach there."

Notice wetin dis ones dey do. Dem dey describe behavior and dey ask for something specific, so nothing dey to argue about. "You always" dey invite fight about whether na always. "I go like finish my thought" just dey state need. Dey concrete. Vague requests dey get vague results, and difficult people na experts for di gray area. Guidance from clinicians wey dey train people through hard conversations dey land for di same place: stay specific, stay calm, and aim for di problem for your front instead of di person whole character.

Then do di harder half. Listen. No be di fake kind where you dey load your next point. Actually let dem finish, and reflect back wetin you hear before you respond. "So you dey talk say di timeline never work for your team." People dey escalate when dem feel unheard, and dem dey soften, small, when dem feel understood, even by person wey disagree with dem. Conflict-resolution research dey keep find di same thing: di goal of hard conversation no be to be right, na to leave both people dey feel say dem actually hear dem. Na wetin dey make solution stick.

Pick your battles, and your exits

No be every provocation deserve response. One of di quiet skills of to handle difficult person na to decide, on purpose, wetin you go let pass. Di offhand jab for meeting, di petty dig, di bait. You fit simply no bite. Silence and calm subject change no be weakness. Na you dey refuse to fund fire.

Save your real energy for di things wey genuinely dey affect your work, your wellbeing, or your values. Dat ones worth direct conversation. Di rest you fit often let slide off, and you go get far more credibility when you do raise something, because you no dey raise everything.

E also dey help to know your own limits before dem test you. Decide ahead of time wetin you go do if line get crossed. "If di tone turn personal, I go end di call and we fit pick am up tomorrow." To get dat plan ready mean say you no need to invent response for di heat of di moment, when your judgment dey worst.

When e pass difficult

Difference dey between person wey hard to deal with and person wey dey harm you. Persistent put-downs, threats, manipulation wey dey make you doubt your own memory, anything wey dey leave you smaller and more afraid each time. Dat one no be personality clash wey you go manage with better "I" statements. Na mistreatment, and you no owe anybody endless patience for am.

If relationship for work or for house dey steadily wear you down, loop in people wey fit actually change di situation: manager, HR, trusted friend wey go tell you di truth, therapist wey fit help you sort wetin be your own to carry and wetin no be. If you dey find say one person dey occupy your thoughts long after you don comot di room, dey rob your sleep, or don get you dey dread parts of your life wey you use to enjoy, dat one worth to talk through with professional. To reach for help here no be sign say you no fit handle am. Na how you dey stop to handle am alone.

You no go get every exchange right, and you no need to. Steadiness no be streak wey you fit break. Na practice wey you dey keep come back to. Di next time you feel your shoulders start to climb, you go get somewhere to put your attention besides di other person, and dat small bit of room na your own to keep.

Sources

• Harvard Business Review, 3 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them
• UCLA Social Cognitive Neuroscience Lab, Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity (Lieberman et al., 2007)
• HelpGuide.org, Conflict Resolution Skills
• National Institutes of Health (PMC), Conflict Management: Difficult Conversations with Difficult People