The Talks Wey You Don Dey Avoid

You don already sabi which one e be. The feedback wey you owe person and you dey keep soften am reach nothing. The boundary wey you plan to set three weeks ago. The thing wey your friend talk wey land wrong, wey you don dey carry around since then while you dey smile like say everything fine. E dey sit for the back of your mind and dey tax you small every day, and you dey keep tell yourself say you go handle am when the timing better.

The timing no dey ever better. Na the first thing wey worth to dey honest about. We no dey avoid this kind talk because the moment no correct. We dey avoid dem because dem no dey comfortable, and to avoid dem dey feel like relief. E be relief, for small time. Then the thing wey you no talk go continue to quietly cost you.

You no be strange person because you dey do this. For one survey of working people wey plenty people dey quote, around seventy percent talk say dem dey regularly avoid talks about the situations wey dem actually dey face for work, the things about performance, friction, and how things really be. Seven out of ten. So if you don dey rehearse one talk for bathroom for one month without ever having am, you no weak or conflict-shy for some special way. You be human, dey do the very normal thing wey people dey do.

Wetin avoidance really dey protect

E dey help to know wetin your brain think say e dey do when e dey steer you away from the hard talk. E dey try to protect you from threat. To the part of you wey dey scan for danger, confrontation with person wey their opinion matter to you dey read like genuine risk. Rejection. Conflict. The chance say dem go see you as difficult person, or wrong, or unkind. Your body dey respond to that one the way e dey respond to any threat, with small surge of stress and strong pull to make the discomfort stop. The fastest way to make am stop na to no have the talk at all.

So you no have am. And for the short term, you feel better. Na this be the trap. Avoidance dey reward you exactly because e dey work, immediately, every time. The relief dey train you to do am again.

Wetin the relief dey hide na the slow bill wey dey come due. The vex wey dey build while you no talk anything. The small problem wey for get quick fix for week one and wey don now harden into pattern. The way wey the things wey you no talk dey still leak out sideways anyway, for sharp tone, for pulling away, for story wey you dey tell yourself about the other person wey dey keep get worse without their own input. Researchers wey dey study workplace don put numbers on this for the organization level, lost time, lost trust, lost work. But you no need study before you feel am. You dey feel am every time you waka pass the thing wey you no talk.

The story for your head bad pass the real room

See something wey almost everybody dey get wrong, and to get am right dey change plenty. The talk wey you dey dread almost never bad reach the one wey you don dey have alone for your imagination.

For your head, you don script the worst version. Dem go defend themselves. Dem go cry, or dem go cold. E go escalate. The relationship don damage. You play that tape enough times so tey e start to feel like forecast instead of fear. But na you dey write the two parts. You don cast the other person as more fragile, or more hostile, than dem likely to be, and you don give yourself no good lines.

The real room dey usually smaller and easier to work with than that. The other person dey often relieved say person finally call the thing. Sometimes dem don already know. Sometimes dem dey carry the exact same unspoken tension and dem dey fear to bring am up just like you. You waka in dey brace for fight and you find, more often than not, two people wey both go like make this thing dey okay.

That one no make am easy. E make am possible, wey be different and more useful.

Why the people wey dey do this well no be say dem no dey fear

E dey tempting to think say the colleague wey fit give clean, direct feedback just no dey feel the fear wey you dey feel. Mostly na no be so. Dem just don learn say to have the talk dey cost less than to dread am, and dem don build few habits wey dey remove the worst risk from the moment.

The Harvard researcher Amy Edmondson don spend her career on wetin she dey call psychological safety, the shared sense for team say you fit speak up, admit mistake, or raise hard thing without say dem go punish you or shame you for am. One point wey she dey careful to make: psychological safety no mean say everybody comfortable. E mean say people dey willing to dey uncomfortable together, because na inside the discomfort the real progress dey hide. The teams wey dey do their best work no be the ones wey dey avoid friction. Na the ones wey don make am safe enough to waka toward am.

You fit create small version of that safety for one single talk, even if you no be the oga, even if nobody dey report to you. The way you open the talk, the tone wey you set, whether you come in to solve or to win, all of am dey tell the other person which kind talk this one go be. You get more control over that than over almost anything else for the exchange.

The lie of the perfect moment

Plenty avoidance dey hide behind excuse wey sound reasonable: you dey wait for the right time. Truth dey buried inside there. Timing dey matter. To corner person five minutes before dem present to the executive team, or the second wey dem waka in dey carry their own bad day, na way to make hard talk harder. So some waiting na wisdom.

But most of the waiting no be that one. Most of am na avoidance wey wear respectable coat. The honest test simple. Ask yourself whether you dey wait for better moment, or you just dey wait for the feeling to pass. If genuinely fine window don come and go three or four times and you let each one slide, the timing was never the problem.

Few things actually dey help, and dem worth to set up on purpose:

• Choose moment wey get small room around am. No be the end of workday when everybody don drain, no be squeeze against hard deadline. A morning, or a quiet stretch, dey give the talk somewhere to go.
• Choose privacy. Hard things wey you talk in front of audience dey put the other person on the defensive before you even pass your first sentence. Closed door, or a waka, dey beat open floor.
• Keep am close to the event when you fit. Talk about something wey happen yesterday dey far easier to work with than one about something wey don dey rotten since months back. The longer you wait, na the more you go need explain why you wait.

Before you open your mouth

Few things to settle inside yourself first. This ones matter pass any script.

• Get clear on wetin you actually want. No be wetin you want talk, na wetin you want make true after. Relationship wey don repair? Behavior wey don change? Just make dem hear you? You no fit aim talk wey you never aim. If na only to relieve your own pressure be your goal, the other person go feel am, and e no go go well.
• Settle your body before you settle the matter. You no fit have steady talk from unsteady nervous system. Before you waka in, slow your breathing down, especially the out-breath. Plant your feet. Drop your shoulders. You no dey try to feel nothing. You dey try to keep access to your own good judgement when the moment hot up.
• Separate the person from the problem. The thing wey dey upset you na behavior, situation, one specific moment, no be the whole human wey dey your front. Hold that line for your own head before you talk one word, and you go far less likely to come in dey swing.
• Lower the stakes wey you don inflate. Remind yourself say one honest talk rarely dey end relationship wey worth to keep. The relationships wey no fit survive one careful, kind, direct talk was already fragile. Most fit survive am, and plenty dey get stronger.

How to actually have am

The goal no be perfect performance. Na honest, human exchange where the other person stay for the room with you. Simple shape wey dey hold up under pressure:

1. Ask for the talk, no ambush. Quick "You get ten minutes? Something dey wey I go like talk through" dey let una two arrive ready. People wey you ambush dey defend. People wey you invite dey engage.
2. Lead with wetin you see, no be wetin you conclude. Start with the specific thing wey person fit observe, "The report come two days after the deadline," no be "You clearly no care about this team." Fact hard to argue with. Judgement dey invite fight.
3. Talk the hard part plain, then stop to talk. No bury the point inside five minutes of cushioning, and no keep talk to fill the silence after you don talk am. Let am land. Give dem room to respond.
4. Actually listen to wetin come back. No be the polite nod while you dey wait for your turn. Real listening, the kind where you fit learn say you get one piece of am wrong. You almost always dey.
5. Aim for a next step, no be winner. You no dey there to prove say you correct. End with something concrete wey una share, wetin go change, wetin each of una go do, when una go check back in.

You no go get all five right, especially the first few times. E okay so. Clumsy but sincere talk dey beat polished one wey you never have.

When the other person no take am well

See the part wey the scripts dey skip. Sometimes you do everything right and the other person still get defensive, or hurt, or vex. Dem dey interrupt. Dem dey bring up something from two years ago. Dem dey tear up, or dem dey go quiet and cold. Na this be the exact moment wey your dread dey warn you about, and na also the moment wey dey decide how the whole thing go land.

The instinct na to match their heat, or to scramble backward come take everything back. The two dey make am worse. Wetin dey work na to stay steady while dem no steady. You no responsible to manage their feelings, but you fit keep your own state in one piece, and calm presence dey quietly contagious. Slow down. Lower your voice instead of raise am. Let silence sit there instead of rushing to fill am.

If the temperature climb pass the point where anything useful fit happen, dem allow you to pause am. "I fit see say this thing dey land hard. Make we take break come pick am back up tomorrow" no be failure. Na way to protect talk wey worth to finish. Talk wey you pause on purpose dey for far better shape than one wey blow up because una two push through.

And if dem genuinely dey upset, you fit hold your point and care about dem at the same time. "I still think say this matter, and I also no want make this thing become wedge between us" na real sentence wey dem allow you to talk out loud. Most people, if you give dem one minute, go meet you there.

When e big pass one single talk

Some talks dey sit for different category, and e worth to dey honest about which ones. If wetin you dey avoid involve your safety, abuse, harassment, or situation where you get real reason to fear for your job or your wellbeing, the advice to "just have the talk" no reach, and e no fair to put all of am on you. Those situations dey call for backup, manager wey you trust, HR, union rep, lawyer, counselor. To reach for help there no be avoidance. Na good judgement.

And if na the dread itself be the problem, if the fear of this kind talk heavy so tey e dey shrink your life, dey keep you stuck for jobs or relationships wey you don outgrow, or dey run as constant background hum of anxiety, that one worth to talk through with therapist. No be because something wrong with you, but because you fit learn fear for both directions. You fit turn am down. Professional fit help you do that faster than to just endure am alone.

But for most of the talks wey you dey avoid, the path shorter than as e dey look. Pick the one wey don dey cost you pass. Decide wetin you want make true for the other side of am. Then ask for ten minutes. The version of you wey finally talk the thing dey usually sleep better than the one wey don dey carry am.

Wia We Take Am From

• Bravely, The Conversation Gap
• Harvard Business Review, What's Worse than a Difficult Conversation? Avoiding One.
• Harvard Business Review, How to Have Difficult Conversations Without Burning Bridges
• Amy C. Edmondson, Psychological Safety