Di Power to Really Listen

Imagine person dey tell you about hard day. You dey nod head. You dey make di correct sound. And somewhere behind your eye, you don already dey draft your reply, dey decide whether dem dey right, dey line up di story wey dis one remind you of. You look like say you dey listen. But no be really. You dey wait for your turn.

All of us don dey for di two side of dat one. Di strange thing na how e easy to notice when dem dey do am to you, and how e hard to catch yourself dey do am. Real listening rare pass how we think, and di gap between to look like you dey pay attention and to actually dey pay attention na wia plenty trust dey quietly die.

Di good news na say dis one na skill, no be gift. You fit get better for am well well, and di people around you go feel di difference fast.

Wetin we dey usually do instead

When person bring us something, our default na to fix am. Colleague go describe problem and we go jump to solution before dem finish di sentence. Friend go pour out mind and we go hand dem advice wey dem no ask for. E dey come from good place. We wan help, and to offer answer dey feel like say we dey help.

Plenty times no be wetin dem need yet. People wey feel say dem dey rush dem towards solution dey usually feel like say dem dey manage dem instead of to hear dem, and dem go stop to bring you di real thing. Di oda common move subtle pass. We dey listen just enough to find di hook for our own story, di thing wey we fit relate am back to. "Oh, dat one happen to me too." Now we don dey talk about ourselves and di oda person dey nod along, dey learn to no bother next time.

Kevin Sharer, wey run di biotech company Amgen for years, don talk am open how long e take am to learn dis. Early for im career, im approach na, for im own words, to be di smartest person for di room and to prove am for di first five minutes. E take am long time to see how much dat posture cost am, how many warning and good idea never reach am because e don train everybody around am say e no dey really listen.

Why to make person hear you dey do something to people

Plenty research dey on top wetin dey happen when people genuinely feel say person dey listen to dem for work, and di findings striking pass wetin you go expect. When worker feel say person hear dem, dem dey more willing to talk about problem, dem dey more committed, dem dey more motivated. When dem feel say nobody hear dem, di opposite go set in. People go quiet, dem go pull back, and dem go stop to offer di very information wey leader need pass. One worker for one study on workplace listening sum up di whole thing for one line about boss wey no dey respond: if I no fit get anywhere with you, why I go even bother.

Na di hidden cost of poor listening be dat. E no be only say feeling dey hurt. Na say di flow of honest information dey dry up. Di early warning sign, di idea wey never fully form, di quiet concern wey for save you, dose go only reach you if di people wey get dem believe say e worth di effort to tell you.

Something dey happen for di person wey dey talk too. When person listen to you well, e dey lower your defensiveness. When we feel safe and say nobody dey judge us, we dey think out loud more honestly, we dey hold our own view small less rigid, we fit even notice di part of our thinking wey no quite add up. Good listening no just dey gather information. E dey help di oda person think clearer as dem dey talk.

How to actually do am

Real listening no be about technique so much as e be about presence, but small concrete habit dey make am far more likely. Try dis ones.

1. Decide say your only work na to understand. Before di conversation, drop di goal to reply well, to win di point, or to fix am. Aim to comot from there able to describe dem view so correct reach say dem go talk "yes, exactly." Dat one shift dey change everything wey follow.
2. Let silence sit. When dem finish, wait two seconds before you talk. E go feel like say e long die. E dey tell dem say you dey actually take am in, and e dey usually draw out di more important thing wey dem dey work up to.
3. Reflect before you respond. Talk di gist back for your own words. "So na di timeline dey really worry you, no be di work imself?" You go surprise how many times you go get am small wrong, and how grateful dem go be say you care enough to check.
4. Ask one more question instead of to give answer. "Wetin go make dis one better?" or "Talk more about dat one." Curiosity dey keep di floor with dem, wey na wia e suppose dey.
5. Hold di advice until dem want am. When di urge to fix rise, ask first: "You wan think dis one through, or you want my take?" Most of di time na di first one dem want.

Watch your body, no be your words alone. Phone face-down and out of reach. Turn towards dem. Let your face react. People dey read attention through hundred small signal, and to fake dose one hard pass to just pay attention.

One quick warning about di performance of listening. You fit learn di head-tilt and di "mm-hm" come use dem like costume while your mind dey wander. People dey feel dat one. E dey land worse pass to no listen at all, because now deception dey on top di inattention. Di behavior go only work when genuine curiosity dey drive am from underneath.

When to listen na di harder thing to do

Di stakes dey go up when you no gree, or when person vex with you. Everything inside you wan defend, explain, correct. Na exactly dat moment to slow down come understand first. You fit hear person fully and still no gree. To let dem feel say you hear dem no be say you don concede di point. E dey usually make dem far more able to hear your own when your turn reach.

E worth make you sabi di edge of dis one too. To listen well na generous act, and generous act fit drain finish. If na you be di person wey everybody dey pour dem load on and nobody dey ever ask how you dey do, dat imbalance real and e dey wear you down over time. To listen as leader or friend no be di same as to become person only support. When person dey carry something heavy, distress wey no dey stop, crisis, pain wey pass wetin caring conversation fit hold, di most genuinely helpful thing wey you fit do na to listen without judgment come help dem reach person wey get training for am: counselor, doctor, crisis line. To make person hear you get power. But e no be replacement for care when na care dem need.

But plenty conversation no be crisis. Na ordinary moment wia person just wan sabi say dem matter to you. To give dem your full, no-hurry attention na one of di plainest, most underrated thing wey you fit offer anoda person. E no cost anything except di harder thing, wey na to stay present. Try am once today, on purpose, with person wey you go normally half-hear. Watch wetin go open up.

Source dem

• Harvard Business Review, How to Become a Better Listener (Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg)
• Harvard Business Review, Are You Really Listening? (Adam Bryant and Kevin Sharer)
• PubMed Central, Feeling Heard: Experiences of Listening (or Not) at Work (Kriz, Kluger, and Lyddy)