Afotusɛm ntiantia
- Name the defensiveness silently to yourself.
- Take one slow exhale before replying.
- Ask what better would have looked like.
Obi ka sɛ, "Mɛtumi ama wo nkyerɛkyerɛmu bi?" na wo nipadua bua ansa na w'adwene aba. Yafunu te kakra. Anim yɛ hye. Ɔbammɔ boaboa ne ho ano wɔ wo tirim, awie koraa, ansa na onipa no awie ne kasamu a ɛto so mmienu no. Berɛ a wɔduru asɛm no ankasa so no, wonntie bio. Woresiesie wo ho wɔ mmuaeɛ a wode bɛbua ho.
Sɛ ɛno yɛ wo a, wohonam nyɛ mmerɛ na wonnyɛ biribiara a ɛnteɛ. Woyɛ onipa, na wo su no kyɛ sen adwuma biara a woayɛ pɛn. Nyansa no nyɛ sɛ wobɛgyae ho nkateɛ. Nyansa no ne sɛ wobɛhunu deɛ ɛyɛ, sɛnea ɛnnyae nkɔmmɔbɔ no ho akwankyerɛ.
Ahosuro no di kan yɛ honam mu deɛ
Sɛɛ ne fa a afotuo a ɛfa nkyerɛkyerɛmu ho dodoɔ no ara to twene. Wo ho akwan-yibea nyɛ gyinaeɛ a wosi. Ɛyɛ ntini-firi a ɛto ansa na amena fa a esi gyinaeɛ no mpo akari biribiara.
W'amena wɔ kɔkɔbɔ nhyehyɛeɛ a ɛyɛ ntɛm, a wɔyɛɛ sɛ ɛbɛkyere asiane na ayɛ ade wɔ simma fa bi mu, ansa na adwene a ɛyɛ brɛoo a ɛsusuw ade aba akyi. Wɔtotoo no berɛ tenten mu sɛ ɛnkora wo ho kɔ firi nneɛma a ɛbɛtumi apira wo ho. Ɔhaw no ne sɛ ɛntwa ɛho honam mu asiane ne asafo mu deɛ ntam tee. Wɔ saa tete kabea no ho hwɛ no, sɛ wo kuo bu wo atɛn a, ɛyɛ asiane, ɛfiri sɛ adesamma abakɔsɛm dodoɔ no ara mu, sɛ wo kuo nidie firi wo so no na ɛyɛ nkwagyeɛ ho ɔhaw ankasa.
Eyi nyɛ kasakorabea. Nhwehwɛmu a wɔatintim wɔ Science mu a wonim no, nhwehwɛmufoɔ hwɛɛ nnipa amena mu berɛ a wɔayi wɔn afiri intanɛt so bɔɔlo-toɔ agorɔ a ɛyɛ mmerɛ bi mu komm. Sɛ wɔyi wo gu nkyɛn a, ɛsɔɔ amena fa bi a ɛfa honam yea ahohia ho, na nnipa a wɔteɛ nka sɛ wɔayi wɔn agu nkyɛn kɛse no, saa fa no yɛ adwuma kɛse. Sɛ wopo wo a, na ɛda onipadua mu te sɛ sɛ wɔpira wo. Enti sɛ wo yɔnko kasa tia w'adwuma na biribi wo wo mu twe ne ho a, saa twe no yɛ nokorɛ. Wonnyɛ deɛ ɛboro so. Kɔkɔbɔ ankasa rebɔ.
Ɔhaw no ne deɛ kɔkɔbɔ no yɛ wo fa a aka no. Sɛ ɛyɛ adwuma denneennen a, mogya ne adwene tu mmirika kɔ wo ho a wobɛbɔ ho ban so na ɛfiri w'adwene fa a ɛyɛ komm a ɛsusuw ade ho. Woyɛ ntɛm na woyɛ tia berɛ a ɛsɛ sɛ woyɛ brɛoo na wobue wo ho mu paa. Wote ɔtohyɛ wɔ baabi a ebia obi ama wo akyɛdeɛ.
Deɛ ɛrekanyan ankasa
Nkyerɛkyerɛmu nyinaa nhye saa ara, na sɛ wohunu deɛ enti na asɛm bi pɔ wo honam mu no yɛ adwuma no fa. Douglas Stone ne Sheila Heen, a wɔkyerɛkyerɛ wɔ Harvard Law School na wɔkyerɛw nwoma kɛse fa nkyerɛkyerɛmu a wobɛgye no yie ho no, kyerɛkyerɛ ahintaw nhoma mmiɛnsa mu. Sɛ wotumi bɔ deɛ ɛpɛɛ pɔ no din a, wotumi gyae adeɛ a ɛnteɛ no ho su.
- Deɛ edi kan no fa emu nsɛm no ho. Nkyerɛkyerɛmu no si wo te sɛ ɛnteɛ, ɛnyɛ pɛpɛɛpɛ, anaa ɛkɔ baabi kɛkɛ, na w'ahoɔden nyinaa kɔ sɛ wobɛkyerɛ sɛ ɛyɛ atorɔ. Ɛtɔ da bi a ɛyɛ atorɔ ampa. Nanso "eyi nteɛ" nso yɛ baabi a ɛyɛ mmerɛ koraa a wode wo ho hinta ɛberɛ a nkyerɛkyerɛmu no yɛ nokorɛ na wompɛ sɛ ɛyɛ saa.
- Deɛ ɛto so mmienu no fa onipa no ho. Wuntumi nte asɛm no ɛsiane onipa a ɔde reba no ho. Wɔnni gyinabea sɛ wɔbɛka eyi, anaa wɔne wo kasaa tiawa nnawɔtwe a atwam no mu, anaa ɛda hɔ pefee sɛ wɔnte w'adwuma ase. Nkateɛ a ɛfa ɔbɔfoɔ no ho no mene asɛm no, sɛ mpo asɛm no yɛ nokorɛ.
- Deɛ ɛto so mmiɛnsa no na emu dɔ koraa. Nkyerɛkyerɛmu no mmisa gyinaeɛ a wosiiɛ ho asɛm nko, ɛyɛ te sɛ ɛbisa onipa ko a woyɛ no. "Woyɛɛ saa anammɔn no kakra" to sɛ "wonhwɛ yie." "Eyi hia adwuma" to sɛ "wonni eyi mu nim." Sɛ wo ho a wonim no si tebea a ahohia tumi ba so a, kɔkɔbɔ no ye dede kɛse, na asɛm ketewa bi tumi to wo hwe.
Mpɛn pii sɛ nkyerɛkyerɛmu fa bi sɛe w'awia no, ɛyɛ deɛ ɛto so mmiɛnsa no na ɛyɛ ɔsɛeɛ no. Emu nsɛm ankasa no yɛ ketewa. Deɛ ɛyɛ yea ne atosɛm a wokaa kyerɛ wo ho fa deɛ ɛkyerɛ wo ho.
Wɔ berɛ no mu, ɛberɛ a hye no to a
Wuntumi mfa w'adwene nfiri su a efi wo nipadua mu mu. Ɛsɛ sɛ woma nipadua no berɛ kakra na agyina ano kane. Eyinom mu biara nhwehwɛ sɛ obiara hunu sɛ ɛrekɔ so.
- Hunu na bɔ ne din, wo nko ara. "Mereyina me ho akwan." Saa adeyɛ a ɛyɛ komm, a animuonyam nni mu a wode din to deɛ wote nka so no boa de prefrontal cortex san ba adwuma mu. Ɛnsɛ sɛ wosiesie nkateɛ no. Sɛ wobɔ ne din a, ɛma ne mu sɔ no go.
- Fa w'ahome tɔ berɛ kakra. Firi mu brɛoo baako, a ɛware sen deɛ wode gye mu, ansa na woaka biribiara. Eyi ne ɔkwan baako a wode betumi de aye ano a ɛkɔ soro no afiri so, na ɛkyerɛ obiara sɛ wode wo ho gyina pintinn ɛnyɛ sɛ woreperɛ.
- Bisa asɛmmisa ankasa sen sɛ wobɛyina wo ho akwan. "Wobɛtumi aka deɛ wohunuiɛ no ho asɛm pii?" anaa "Deɛ ɛyɛ yie no anka ɛbɛyɛ sɛn?" Eyi yɛ nneɛma mmienu berɛ koro. Ɛma wo nsɛm ankasa, na ɛma wo nipadua berɛ kakra a ɛhia sɛ ɛbrɛ ase kakra no.
- Pae yea no firi emu asɛm no ho. Yea no yɛ baako. Asɛm a wɔreka no yɛ foforɔ. Wobɛtumi ate deɛ edi kan no nka koraa berɛ a wode adwene a ɛyɛ brɛoo kari deɛ ɛto so mmienu no. Ɛnsɛ sɛ wɔsɔre na wɔhwe ase berɛ koro.
- Ɛnsɛ sɛ wobua seesei ara. "Meda wo ase, mepɛ sɛ medwene ho kakra" yɛ mmuaeɛ a edi mu na obu wɔ mu. Sɛ wobɛsi nkyerɛkyerɛmu yɛ nokorɛ anaa ɛnyɛ ho gyinaeɛ no yɛ adwuma soronko firi sɛ wobɛte. Mpɛn pii ɛyɛ pa sɛ wode yɛ berɛ a hye no atwam.
Saa deɛ ɛto so nan no fata sɛ wobrɛ wo ho ase wɔ ho. Sɛ wobɛgye nkyerɛkyerɛmu ne sɛ wobɛpene so no nyɛ adeyɛ koro. Wobɛtumi agye biribi mu koraa, ada onipa no ase ankasa, na woasan agyina nkae so abɔ tirim sɛ wɔayɛ mfomsoɔ. Wo ho a wobue mu wɔ berɛ no mu no nkyekye wo nhyɛ hwee mu. Ɛma ɛpono no da hɔ buebue ara kɔduru sɛ wobɛhwɛ.
Akyire yi, ɛberɛ a wotumi dwene bio a
Adwuma a mfasoɔ wɔ so paa no taa si dɔnhwere baako anaa da koro akyi, ɛberɛ a nipadua no ayɛ komm na wotumi susu deɛ wɔkaeɛ ho ankasa.
Bɔ mmɔden bisa wo ho deɛ ɛsɛ sɛ ɛyɛ nokorɛ ma nkyerɛkyerɛmu no ayɛ pɛpɛɛpɛ, sɛ mpo wo nteasuo a edi kan ne sɛ ɛnyɛ saa. Wonnhyɛ wo ho sɛ pene so. Worehwɛ sɛ ebia wo yafunu mu nkateɛ no rebɔ wo ho ban afiri biribi ankasa ho anaa. Mpɛn pii nokorɛ aba bi wɔ ɔkwan a wode kyerɛ a w'ani annye ho no mu, na aba no na ɛyɛ fa a ɛfata sɛ wokora so.
Ɛsane boa sɛ wobɛtrɛw kabea no mu. Nkyerɛkyerɛmu baako yɛ data fa baako, ɛnyɛ atemmuo wɔ wo boɔ anaa wo daakye ho. Sɛ nnipa mmiɛnsa a wɔdwene yie abɔ adeɛ koro no din a, ɛyɛ nsɛnnsoɔ a ɛfata sɛ wode no aniberɛ. Sɛ ɛyɛ asɛmtia baako firi obi a ne da nkɔ yie a, kari no saa. Nkyerɛkyerɛmu nyinaa mfata abatoɔ koro.
Sɛ wohunu biribi ankasa wɔ mu a, bɔ mmɔden hunu deɛ ɛsesa no pefee. Nkyerɛkyerɛmu a emu nna hɔ pefee woe dadwene a emu nna hɔ. "Yɛ ho nyansa kɛse" tumi kyinkyim wo tirim adapɛn na ɛnyɛ hwee sɛ ɔbɔ kɛkɛ. "Fa nkamfodeɛ no fi me kasakyerɛ a ɛdi hɔ aseɛ sɛ akyibirɛm no" yɛ adeɛ a wobɛtumi ayɛ ankasa Benada. Sɛ wode nkasatia dane anammɔn ketewa baako a ɛda hɔ pefee a ɛdi hɔ a, ɛyɛ nnwuma mmienu berɛ koro. Ɛma nkyerɛkyerɛmu no yɛ mfasoɔ, na ɛma wo fa a ɛhaw no biribi a ɛkura sen hye no.
Na hunu atosɛm a ɛda hye no ase. "Me sohwɛfoɔ kyerɛɛ tokuro bi wɔ amanneɛbɔ no mu" yɛ nokwasɛm. "Maboro me ahoɔden so na obiara hunu" yɛ atosɛm a wode aka so. Nokwasɛm no bɛtumi ayɛ mfasoɔ. Atosɛm no taa yɛ kɔkɔbɔ dada no, a ɛboroso sɛdeɛ ɛbɛbɔ wo ho ban. Wobɛtumi ada no ase sɛ ɔbɔ mmɔden na woato no fam.
Ɛberɛ a wonnpene so ankasa a
Sɛ wobɛda hɔ buebue wɔ berɛ no mu no nyɛ sɛ wobɛhwe ase. Ɛtɔ da bi a wode nkyerɛkyerɛmu bɛtena hɔ da koro, woahwɛ no tee, na woasi gyinaeɛ sɛ ɛnteɛ. Ɛno wɔ ho kwan. Wɔtaa di wo ho akwan-yibea ne nkasatia adi afra, na wɔnte sɛ wɔn ho koraa. Wo ho akwan-yibea yɛ nipadua a ɛto ɛpono mu ansa na asɛm no mpo aba dan no mu. Nkasatia yɛ gyinabea a woasusu ho a woduru akyiri yi a woama asɛm no aba mu koraa.
Nsonsonoɛ no da adi wɔ sɛnea wopia bio. Akwan-yibea piabɛ twa nkɔmmɔ mu, ma ne nne so, na ɛkɔ onipa no so. Nkasatia a woasusu ho twɛn, san kenkan nkyerɛkyerɛmu no kyerɛ no sɛdeɛ onipa no bɛhunu sɛ wotee no ankasa, na afei ɔde wo adwene ma sɛ adwene ɛnyɛ atemmuo. "Mete sɛ me e-mail no su yɛ te sɛ awɔw. Baabi a na megyina no, na mepɛ sɛ meyɛ no tiawa wɔ berɛ a ahyɛ me so ase. Boa me ma mente sɛdeɛ ɛsiiɛ." Wonnyaa wo gyinabea ho hwee, na woakora abusuabɔ no so.
Afidie a ɛyɛ komm a ɛsɛ sɛ wohwɛ ne obu mu danedane. Wonyɛ wo ti ase, woka nsɛm a ɛyɛ pa nyinaa, woda wɔn ase ɔdɔ mu, na afei wofiri hɔ a wonni adwene biara sɛ wobɛsesa biribiara. Ɛte sɛ adɔeɛ. Nokorɛ ne sɛ ɛyɛ ɔkwan a wode po nkyerɛkyerɛmu no a wonni ɔhaw a ɛyɛ den a wobɛka. Sɛ woasi gyinaeɛ sɛ worennyɛ biribi ho adwuma a, ɛyɛ ayɛmyɛ na ɛyɛ tee sɛ wobɛka deɛ enti sen sɛ wobɛyɛ sɛ wopene so na woato no fam komm.
Sɛ wobɛbrɛ akɔhabɔ no ase ansa na nkyerɛkyerɛmu aba a
Deɛ ɛma nkyerɛkyerɛmu yɛ den dodoɔ no ara ne sɛ ɛto wo bonsam. Ɛba a wonsom no, taa wɔ berɛ a ɛnyɛ pa mu, wɔ obi foforɔ nsɛm mu, na wo kɔkɔbɔ hyia no ɛberɛ a ɛyɛ nwunu. Wowɔ tumi wɔ ɛno so sen sɛdeɛ ɛte.
Sɛ wobisa nkyerɛkyerɛmu sen sɛ wobɛtwɛn ma wɔde ama wo a, hyiabea no nyinaa sesa ne tebea. Wopaw berɛ no, enti wɔnte wo so. Wopaw asɛmmisa no, a ɛma nneɛma yɛ deɛ ɛda hɔ pefee na mfasoɔ wɔ so. "Adeɛ baako bɛn na anka mɛtumi ayɛ yie wɔ saa nhyiamu no mu?" yɛ mmerɛ sɛ wobɛte sen "enti, adwene biara wɔ sɛnea mereyɛ ho?" a emu nna hɔ pefee. Na ɛsiane sɛ woato no nsa frɛ enti, w'amena bu berɛ no sɛ biribi a worekyerɛ no kwan ɛnyɛ biribi a wɔreyɛ wo. Kɔkɔbɔ no da komm berɛ a wo na woabue ɛpono no.
Agorɔ a ɛware nso wɔ ha. Sɛ wobisa nkyerɛkyerɛmu daa, kakra kakra, ɛberɛ a nneɛma yɛ komm a, ɛkyekye boasetɔ bi. Mprɛ biara a ɛyɛ otɔn a wotumi tena ase no kyerɛkyerɛ wo ntini-firi sɛ sɛ wobu wo atɛn no nyɛ atoyerɛnkyɛm a ɛkɔ so ka. Hye no yɛ ketewa berɛ a ɛrekɔ so. Wonntwɛn sɛ wobɛyɛ pɛ ansa na wɔama obi kwan sɛ ɔnka asɛm. Woreyɛ dwumadie ankasa no ho dwuma, a ɛne sɛ wode wo ho bɛgyina pintinn ɛberɛ a woregye biribi mu.
Ɛberɛ a nkyerɛkyerɛmu kɔ so to wo hwe a
Eyi nyinaa wɔ fa a ɛyɛ otɔn, ne fa a emu yɛ den. Sɛ nkyerɛkyerɛmu pii to yie nanso asɛm baako anaa mmienu da so pɔ wo a, ɛyɛ deɛ ɛfata, na anammɔn a ɛwɔ soro no de wo bɛkɔ akyirikyiri.
Nanso sɛ nkasatia kɔ wo ne wo de wo kɔ atoyerɛnkyɛm a ɛkɔ so nnaa pii mu daa, sɛ asɛmtia baako tumi ma wodwene sɛ wonni mfasoɔ anaa sɛ obiara dwene wɔ kokoam sɛ woyɛ ɔtorofoɔ, sɛ wohunu sɛ woreguan adwuma, nkɔmmɔbɔ, anaa abusuabɔ nyinaa sɛnea wobɛkwati hokwan sɛ wobɛbu wo atɛn a, ɛno boro wo ho mmoa krataa so. Su a emu yɛ den saa no taa wɔ ntini a ɛkɔ akyiri sen adwuma biara, na ɛtaa brɛ ase wɔ mmoa pa ase. Adwene ho ɔyaresafoɔ tumi boa wo ma wohwehwɛ baabi a kɔkɔbɔ no nne kɔɔ soro paa na woasiane ɛnne no. Ɛno nyɛ nsɛnkyerɛnneɛ sɛ woabubu. Ɛyɛ adeyɛ koro sɛ wofrɛ ɔbenfoɔ ma biribiara a ɛboro deɛ wo nko ara wobɛtumi asiesie so.
Botaeɛ no nyɛ da sɛ wobɛgyae ho dwene deɛ nnipa dwene. Sɛ wodwene ho no yɛ adwuma a ɛho hia wo no fa. Deɛ ɛsesa, sɛ wobɔ ho mmɔden a, ne akwannya a ɛda ahosuro ne wo mmuaeɛ ntam no kɛseyɛ. Hye no da so ba. Wogyae sɛ woma no si wo kasamu a ɛdi hɔ no. Na wɔ akyire no, mpɛn pii sen sɛdeɛ wohwɛ kwan no, biribi nokwafoɔ a na wohia sɛ wote ankasa wɔ hɔ.
Nsɛm a ɛfiri mu
- Harvard Business Review, Find the Coaching in Criticism (Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen)
- Stone and Heen, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
- Science / PubMed, Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion (Eisenberger, Lieberman, and Williams)
- Harvard Business Review, The Right Way to Process Feedback