I dey look di number wey I dey avoid

I don sabi di number now. I look am, I write am down, and di room no fall. I go look am again next week, and di week afta dat one. Di looking no ever be di hard part. Na di not looking be am, and e quietly dey charge me for dat privilege every single night for months without ever sending itemized bill. Di number bin fix di whole time. Na only my willingness to look am dey move.

E dey on top piece of paper for my own handwriting. Number dey small well well wen dem write am down pass how e dey be for three o'clock for midnight. E dey sidon there dey be sometin wey get end, and na dat be di one property wey useful pass wey e get. I neva do anytin about am and I no need to don do anytin.

I bin dey guess for months, and di guess always bad pass di truth, because guess no get edge and e fit grow di whole night without anytin ever contradicting am. Number wey person no examine no be number, na mood, and mood dey grow according to how tired I happen to be for dat time. Di avoidance bin dey feel like self protection. Na di exact opposite of dat. I bin dey defend mysef against quantity wey fix, by replacing am wit one wey no get boundary, and den I go go live inside di one wey no get boundary full time. Dat na bad trade, and I make am every day for almost one full year.

Person no fit make plan about feeling. Person fit make plan about number. To sabi am na di whole difference between worry and arithmetic, and arithmetic na sometin wey I fit actually act on for ordinary Tuesday afternoon. Notin about my situation change for di moment wey I look. But everytin about my ability to do sometin wit am change, and di two no be di same tin at all. Na exactly why to look worth am even wen di news no good, and na exactly dat time e worth am pass.

So I go open di account, I go look once, and I go write di figure down. Na di looking be di whole assignment. Anytin about deciding fit wait till tomorrow, and dem no allow me to build plan tonight at all, because na dat rule be di only tin wey dey make di looking sometin wey person fit survive from di start. One assignment, wit clear boundary, wey dey finish inside ninety seconds.

I don know am. E neva solve, but I don know am, and na where person sabi, na there solving dey start.