I stay starting ova, an dat count

I stay starting today, and dis one I going finish. Not cuz I feel ready. Mos my life I wen wait on ready, and ready nevah show up by itself, not even one time. I stay starting cuz I wen decide, and one decision, dass someting I make, not someting I sit around waiting fo somebody hand me. Still early, da room quiet, nobody stay watching, and dass da only condition dis ting eva wen need. Da version dat actually work, um start inside da next five minutes.

Get one cup nex to me, and da steam stay going sideways inside da light. My hands warm all around um. Outside, somebody stay walking one dog and neither one of dem stay rushing. Da building stay making da small kine sounds um make befo everybody else wake up. Notting about dis morning look like da start of anyting. And dass exactly how da start of someting look, every time, fo everybody dat eva wen do um.

I wen start dis befo. Plenny people hear dat and count um against demselves. But dat not one strike against me, dass info nobody else get. Every try dat wen stop, um wen hand me someting exact: da hour I stay sharp fo real, da spot in da week wea I come tired, da excuse I grab first and den dress up nice like um one reason. Da reason starting ovah feel shame is cuz I stay measuring myself against somebody who nevah even try, and dat person wen learn zero. I not behind dem. I stay ahead of dem, carrying one map of ground dey nevah walk.

Hea da part I wen get backwards fo years. I wen tink motivation was da gas and da work was da engine, so I wen sit down and wait fo somebody fill me up. Um run da oddah way. Motivation, dass da paycheck aftah da work, not da advance befo um. Waiting till I feel like um, dass one plan dat nevah work fo nobody, and I wen run dat experiment nuff times awready fo stop calling da result bad luck. Da confidence I keep waiting on, dey manufacture um on da far side of da first five minutes, nevah on dis side of dem. So da five minutes go first, and da feeling come along behind, same as um always wen do.

So today I going do da smalles version dat get. Five minutes. Junk kine, if junk is all today get inside um. Not da whole plan, not da fancy version I would describe to somebody at one party, jus da piece dat fit inside da life I actually get instead of da life I keep planning fo. I going put um wea I going see um tomorrow, cuz da second day, dass da day dat decide dis whole ting, and den I start.

Dis mo quiet den I wen expect. No mo trumpets. Jus steady, and steady, dass da version dat last. I get fo start hana hou as plenny times as um take, and da count, dat nevah mattah to nobody except me. Today, dass one of dem. Today um count. Um always wen count, and I was da las one fo count um.