I stay learning someting hard, on purpose

I undastand um. Not all of um, but da piece dat was completely blur one month ago wen come clear, and I can feel da shape of wat come next. Someting inside my head wen rearrange itself and um not going back. Six weeks ago I would tell anybody I was too old fo pick dis up. Dat nevah was one assessment of my ability. Dat was one excuse wearing one plausible face. I going keep going till da next piece open up da same way.

Get notes in da margin in my own handwriting, coming mo confident da furthah down da page dey go. One word I no could use six weeks ago, now dass jus one word I use, and I no stop fo check if I get permission. Get one coffee ring on page forty dat I come strangely fond of. Da book starting fo look used instead of jus owned.

Da beginning wen humble me. I was slow, and I was slow right in front of oddah people, and get one certain kine discomfort in being one beginner as one grown adult dat nobody warn nobody about. Some nights I wen close da book and I stay all huhū at myself. Wat I was really going tru was da gap between my taste and my ability, and dat gap stay at um most wide right at da start, and dass exactly wen mos people read um like proof dey nevah was built fo dis. Da discomfort nevah was one verdict. Was one tax, and I wen spend years mistaking da tax fo da verdict. I wish somebody wen tell me dat at da beginning, so I stay telling myself now, out loud, wea I can hear um.

Den I wen notice da confusion get one pattern. Um show up right befo someting click, every time, not one single exception. Confusion, dass not da sound of failing, dass da sound of one model getting rebuilt, and once I could tell da two apart I wen stop running from um. Nobody eva wen tell me dat da feeling of being junk at someting and da feeling of getting bettah at someting, from da inside dey da same exact feeling. Now wen I feel lōlō, I take um as evidence dat I stay in da right place, and dass one strange ting fo train into myself and da most useful ting I eva wen do.

So today I going spend fifteen minutes on da part I stay most junk at. Not da part I enjoy, and not da part I awready good at dat make one session feel productive and no cost me notting. Da part dat make me feel slow. I going set one timer, cuz if not, I going negotiate fifteen minutes down to four and nevah admit dass wat I stay doing. Being junk at um fo fifteen minutes, dass da whole assignment.

Now I stay somebody who learn hard tings. Not fast and not graceful. But I stay, and turns out staying, dass da whole skill. Da people who good at dis, dey not mo akamai den me. Dey jus was junk at um fo mo long.