I going say da ting I been carrying

Us stay talking again. Not careful kine, da way people talk wen dey stepping around someting, but fo real, da way us guys used to talk story, and dis one I going keep. Get one lightness inside my chest dat I wen quietly stop expecting fo feel about dis. I wen come so used to um being gone dat I wen stop noticing um was gone. Turns out I was carrying da whole ting da entire time.

Get one table between us and two cups on top um and awready one of us wen laugh at someting small and completely dumb. Dat certain kine relief wen one voice I know good say my name da plain regular way, like no time wen get lost at all. Neither one of us stay being careful wit da oddah one. Dass da part I wen notice first, and dass da part I going remembah.

Time wen pass. Mo den I wen mean fo. Every week dat wen go by wen make da first sentence mo hard fo write, till da silence itself wen come da ting I was apologizing fo, and dass one trap wit one real clean design. Da longah um sit, da mo big da opening gotta be, and da mo big da opening gotta be, da longah um sit. Dat loop going run fo years suppose nobody break um. I nevah was protecting da friendship by waiting. I was protecting myself from about thirty seconds of discomfort, and I was charging da friendship fo um.

Da way I open um nevah have fo be graceful. Um only had fo be honest and um only had fo be short. Mos time, people stay waiting fo one door open. Almos nevah dey stay inspecting how da door wen get built. I wen build one whole theory about how bad I wen wreck dis, wit one detailed account of wat dey gotta be tinking about me now, and da theory wen turn out made of notting except my own silence. Da whole time I was da only one inside dat room, holding both sides of one conversation dat nevah even happen. Da door nevah was locked. I jus wen stop trying da handle and wen decide dat count as locked.

So today I going send da message. Two sentences. I been tinking about you, and I like talk. I no need solve um inside da first one. I no need explain da gap or account fo um or show up wit one reason good enough fo justify all dat time. I only gotta open da door and let dem decide wat happen next, and dat always was dea kuleana, nevah was mine.

Wateva come back, I wen stop carrying um all by myself. Dat part of da hoʻoponopono pau, and dat was da only part dat was eva really mine fo do. Da rest nevah was in my hands, and pretending um was, dass how I wen keep myself busy instead of brave.