I going look at da numbah I been ducking

I know da numbah now. I wen look at um, wen write um down, and da room nevah fall in. I going look again next week, and da week aftah dat. Da looking nevah was da hard part. Da not looking was, and um wen quietly charge me fo da privilege every single night fo months and nevah wen send one itemized bill. Da numbah was fixed da whole entire time. Only my willingness fo look at um was moving.

Um stay on one piece of paper in my own handwriting. One numbah stay plenny mo small written down den um stay at three in da morning. Um sit dea being finite, and dass da single mos useful property um get. I nevah do notting about um yet and I no gotta.

I was guessing fo months, and da guess always was mo worse den da truth, cuz one guess no mo edges and can grow all night wit notting eva contradicting um. One numbah nobody wen examine, dat not one numbah, dass one mood, and moods scale wit how tired I happen fo be at da time. Da avoidance wen feel like protecting myself. Was da exact opposite of dat. I was defending myself against one fixed quantity by swapping um fo one wit no bounds, and den living inside da unbounded one full time. Dass one bad trade, and I wen make um every day fo mos of one year.

Nobody can make one plan about one feeling. About one numbah, get plan fo dat. Knowing um, dass da entire difference between worry and arithmetic, and arithmetic, dass someting I can actually act on during one ordinary Tuesday aftahnoon. Notting about my situation wen change da moment I wen look. Everyting about my ability fo do someting wit um wen change, and dose two, dey not da same ting at all. Az why looking stay worth doing even wen da news not good, and um stay worth da most exactly den.

So I going open da account, I going look one time, and I going write da figure down. Da looking, dass da whole task. Deciding anyting at all can wait till tomorrow, and I stay explicitly not allowed fo build one plan tonight, cuz dat rule, dass da only ting dat make da looking survivable in da first place. One task, clearly bounded, pau inside ninety seconds.

Known. Not solved, but known, and known, dass wea solving start.