I going make da call I stay ducking

Da call pau. Um stay behind me now, and da room stay mo quiet den um been fo weeks. I going remembah exactly how small um wen turn out fo be, cuz I going need dat memory da next time one of dese stay sitting unmade inside my calendar, quietly getting mo heavy. Whatevah happen next, da part dat was mine pau. I wen do da hard ting while um was still hard, and dass da only time doing um count fo anyting. Four minutes. Dass wat um actually was.

My hand still warm from holding da phone. Whatevah I was bracing fo nevah arrive in da shape I wen build fo um. I notice I stay standing up, and I no remembah deciding fo do dat anytime inside da las few minutes. Get one glass of watah I wen pour befo I dial and den nevah touch. Da aftahnoon outside wen carry on wit no idea dat someting jus wen change in hea.

I wen rehearse dis fo one month. Every version I wen imagine go bad, and not one of dose versions eva wen happen, cuz dey nevah was going happen. Dass da part worth sitting wit. My mind wen produce about thirty detailed simulations of one disaster and wen charge me full price fo every single one of dem. Da actual ting wen last four minutes and wen look like none of dem. I wen pay fo one whole month of someting dat wen take four minutes, and I wen make dat same trade mo times den I like add up honest.

Da dread always was mo big den da call. Dass almos always true, and knowing um no make da dread any mo small, but um make um survivable, and dass one different and way mo useful kine help. Anxiety, dat not one forecast. Dass one real confident narrator working wit no access at all to da facts. I no gotta believe um fo act, and dat sentence wen take me one embarrassing long time fo reach. Waiting till I stop feeling um, dass exactly how one month come one year and one year come nevah. One ting I stay avoiding grow in direct proportion to how long I stay avoiding um, and um shrink da second I touch um.

So I going write da first sentence down. Jus da first one. Den I going dial befo I read um ovah, cuz reading um ovah, dass da exact mechanism dat postpone dis fo one mo month, and I know dat about myself now. Da gap between writing um and dialing, dass wea every previous try wen quietly die. I stay closing dat gap on purpose, tonight, while I can still see um clear.

Pau. Not graceful, not perfect. Pau, and dass da only version of um dat was eva going count fo anyting. Dass da whole method.