Afotusɛm ntiantia
- Name your own pattern before theirs.
- Put the phone down and actually listen.
- Share something real, then watch how they hold it.
Bɛyɛ ayɔnkofa a ɛto so abiɛsa anaa anan no mu baabi, deɛ atwam no taa ba bɛtena pono no ho. Ebia ɛyɛ asɛm bi a ɛfa obi a wɔ ne no daa kan ho a ɛba a anɔ yɛ nnam dodo. Ebia ɛyɛ sɛnea mo mu biako yɛ komm wɔ akasakasa akyi, anaa ɔde nkrasɛm mmiɛnsa kɔ baabi a baako bɛso. Worehu onipa mũ no nyinaa, na ɛkyerɛ sɛ worehu biribiara a ɛtoo no ansa na woreba.
Wei betumi ayɛ sɛ ɔhaw. Mpɛn pii no, ɛnyɛ saa. Adwene a ɛne sɛ wobɛhu obi a onni twã, onni ahobammɔ suban, onni ɔfã a emu yɛ den no, ɛyɛ dwumadi a mpɛn pii ɛfa nnipa a wɔnnya ntenae kɛse. Mpanyimfo ankasa de wɔn abakɔsɛm ba. Asɛmmisa a ɛfata sɛ wobisa no nyɛ sɛ mo adesoa no wɔ hɔ anaa. Ɛyɛ sɛ mo baanu betumi asua sɛnea mobɛsoa a moremfa nto mo ho mo ho so.
Faako a adesoa no firi ankasa
Deɛ yɛfrɛ no adesoa pii no, nokware no, ɛyɛ adesua kɛkɛ. Wo nervous system no hwɛɛ wo ayɔnkofa a edii kan no yie na ɛsii gyinae fa sɛ nnipa wɔ ahobammɔ anaa, sɛ abɛnnam yɛ mmerɛw anaa, sɛ wobetumi de wo ho ato obi so sɛ ɔbɛtena hɔ anaa. Adwennimfo frɛ saa nhyehyɛe yi attachment styles, na ɛtaa kɔ ɔkwan kakra mu: ahobammɔ, baabi a abɛnnam yɛ fɛ; ɔhaw, baabi a wusuro sɛ wɔbɛgyaw wo na wohwehwɛ awerɛkyekyere; ne ɔkwati, baabi a abusuabɔ yɛ biribi a ɛsɛ sɛ wode si akyiri. Cleveland Clinic kyerɛ sɛ eyinom fi ase ntɛm ara, ɔkwan a yɛn ahwɛfo a wodii kan no gyee yɛn so no.
Nanso asɛm no nnyae wɔ mmofraase. Abusuabɔ a edi akyiri san kyerɛw faɛl no nso. Nkontompo betumi ama obi a na ɔwɔ ahobammɔ pɛn no ho ayɛ no ahohia. Bere tenten a wɔdɔɔ obi nokware mu betumi ama obi a osuaa sɛ ɔbɛhwɛ deɛ ɛnyɛ no kwan no abrɛ ase. Sɛnea Scientific American kaaa nhwehwɛmu kɛse bi a ɛbaa nnansa yi no ho asɛm no, attachment nhyehyɛe betumi sesa, na sɛnea ɔnhwehwɛmufo bi kaeɛ no, "Akyinnye biara nni ho sɛ wo nsɛm asɛe."
Wei ho hia esiane nneɛma mmienu nti. Nea edi kan, wo hokafo no bɛaeɛ anaa akyirikyiri anaa nibere mmere no taa nyɛ wo ho asɛm. Ɛyɛ alaam dada bi a ɛrebɔ. Nea ɛto so mmienu, esiane sɛ saa nhyehyɛe yi betumi asesa nti, wonkyerɛw wo din sɛ wobɛhwɛ obi sɛe a ɛtena hɔ daa. Worehyia no wɔ n'asɛm mfimfini.
Bɔ wo deɛ din kan
Ɛyɛ ɔdɛ sɛ wobɛyɛ obenfo wɔ wo hokafo nsɛm ho. Ka ho. Adeɛ a mfaso wɔ so paa a wobetumi ayɛ wɔ mfiase no ne sɛ wobɛka nokware afa wo ankasa nhyehyɛe ho, efisɛ ɛno nkutoo na wubetumi ayɛ ho biribi.
Nsɛmmisa kakra a ɛfata sɛ wotena ho:
- Sɛ wo werɛ tom wɔ wei mu a, dɛn na wokɔhwehwɛ? Nkrasɛm pii, twe wo ho, ɔham bi a wobɛhwehwɛ, anaa wo bo bɛdwo?
- Ehu bɛn na ɛhyɛ saa adeyɛ no ase? Sɛ wɔbɛgyaw wo? Sɛ wobedi wo so? Sɛ wɔbɛhu wo sɛ wodɔɔso dodo?
- Saa nyiyimu yi mu deɛ ɛwɔ saa onipa yi ho, na deɛ bɛn na ɛyɛ obi foforo deɛ bio?
Ɛnsɛ sɛ wonya mmuaeɛ a emu da hɔ. Sɛ wuhu nhyehyɛe no bere a ɛrekɔ so kɛkɛ, sɛ ɛsen mpo, ɛma wo kwan kakra sɛ wobɛpaw biribi soronko bere a edi akyiri. Nimdeɛ ne mfiase no nyinaa. Worentumi nsesa alaam a wuntumi nhu.
Wɔsi gyidie wɔ nneɛma nketenkete mu
Bere a nnipa dwene abusuabɔ foforo ho a wɔn ho yeraw wɔn no, wɔtaa susuw nsɔhwɛ akɛse ho. Ɛkɔm kɛse no, adekyerɛ a ɛyɛ hu no. Ankasa mu no, wɔsi gyidie na wɔsɛe no wɔ mmere nketenkete a wonhu ho mpo wɔ ɛnam mu.
Adwennimfo John Gottman de mfe pii hwɛɛ awarefo wɔ lab mu, na ne nhwehwɛmu a emu da hɔ baako fa nea ɔfrɛ no "bids" a ɛyɛ abɛnnam ho. Bid yɛ ketewa: ahome, asɛmmisa, nsa a ɛda mmati so, anaa "hwɛ wei." Nea ɛho hia ne sɛ onipa baako no dane n'ani kɔ so anaa ɔto twene. Ne nhwehwɛmu mu no, awarefo a na wɔda so ara wɔ anigye mu mfe pii akyi no na wɔadane wɔn ani akɔ wɔn ho wɔn ho bid so bɛyɛ ɔha mu 86. Awarefo a wɔtetewee no yɛɛ saa bɛyɛ nkyem mmiɛnsa mu baako pɛ.
Wei kyekye werɛ wɔ ɔkwan a ɛyɛ nwonwa mu bere a mo baanu de abakɔsɛm ba no. Ɛkyerɛ sɛ wonsa apirakuro dada nkɔkɔbɔ baako a ɛyɛ pɛ so. Wosi ahobammɔ wɔ mmere ɔha pii a ɛyɛ daa daa a mo mu biara ba, hwɛ, na obua mu. Nneɛma nketenkete no ne nneɛma ankasa.
Sɛnea ani dane kɔ so te
- Wɔbɔ biribi a ɛda wɔn adwene mu ho amaneɛ. Wode wo telefon to fam na wutie ankasa, sɛ ɛnyɛ asɛm kɛse mpo a.
- Wo bo afuw na woahoɔ. Akyiri yi, wosan kɔ: "Ɛnyɛ wo ho. Ɛyɛ da tenten."
- Wɔka biribi a emu yɛ den fa wɔn bere a atwam ho kyerɛ wo. Wunsuro na wontoto. Wotena hɔ ara.
- Woka deɛ wuhia no pefee, sen sɛ wobɛyɛ anidaso sɛ wɔbɛnya na afei wo bo afuw wɔn sɛ wɔanyɛ.
Wei mu biara nyɛ adekyerɛ a ɛyɛ hu. Sɛ wode boaboa ano wɔ nnaawɔtwe pii mu a, ɛno ne sɛnea nnipa baanu a wɔhwɛ yiye nyini brɛoo si gyinae sɛ ɔbaako no wɔ ahobammɔ.
Ahobrɛaseyiwie, wɔ susudua a ɛsɛ mu
Abɛnnam biara nni hɔ a asiane bi nni mu. Worentumi nhu wo ankasa nokware mu sɛ obi nim wo bere a wode wo nneɛma a ɛyɛ mmerɛw nyinaa sie. Bere koro no ara mu, sɛ wode wo abakɔsɛm nyinaa gu obi a wuhuu no nnawɔtwe mmiɛnsa so a, ɛnyɛ abɛnnam, ɛyɛ nhyɛso bi.
Deɛ ɛyɛ apɔmuden no kɔ nkakrankakra. Wokyɛ biribi a ɛyɛ nokware kakra na wohwɛ sɛnea wodi ho dwuma. Wɔbrɛ wɔn ho ase anaa wɔyɛ adeɛ a ɛyɛ hu? Wɔde sie anaa wɔde di dwuma akyiri yi sɛ akodeɛ? Sɛnea Psych Central kyerɛ no, sɛ wobue wo ho mu a, ɛtaa to nsa frɛ ɔfoforo no ma ɔno nso bue ne ho mu, na ɛno ne sɛnea gyidie mu yɛ den wɔ afanu nyinaa. Woma kakra fi, wɔhyia wo, woma kakra bio.
Fa no sɛ nsɔhwɛ nketenkete pii sen bɔneka kɛse baako. Yɛ no nkakrankakra ma ɛne gyidie a wode mo ho mo ho anya ankasa hyia, ɛnyɛ gyidie a wopɛ sɛ anka wo wɔ dada.
Bere a deɛ atwam no fi ase di nneɛma so
Abakɔsɛm bi mu yɛ duru sen sɛnea hokafo pa ne suban pa betumi akura. Ɛnyɛ huammɔ, na ɛnyɛ atemmu wɔ abusuabɔ no so. Ɛyɛ nsɛm kɛkɛ.
Ebia bere adu sɛ wode mmoa bi ba sɛ wuhu nneɛma a ɛte sɛ eyinom:
- Ɔko a ɛyɛ ya koro no ara kɔ so ba, na mo mu biara ntumi nhu ɛkwan a wɔbɛfa so afi mu.
- Mo mu biako resan adi nkontompo dada bi a ɛyɛ den araa ma ɛyɛ sɛ hokafo a ɔwɔ hɔ mprempren no ntumi nnya atemmu pa.
- Anibere, nhwɛhwɛmu, anaa nidiso suban rebɛ to mu, ɛfi afã abien biara.
- Wuhu sɛ woretew, wonantenante so sɛ nkesua so, anaa wusuro sɛ wobɛka deɛ wote nka ankasa.
- Abusuabɔ a atwam bi gyaw ɔkwa bi a ɛba sɛ ehu, akomatuyam, anaa suro a ɛnnwo.
Awarefo therapist pa betumi aboa mo baanu ahu nhyehyɛe a moayɛ mu na moayɛ deɛ ɛyɛ soronko. Ankorankoro therapy betumi aboa wo ma woayɛ adwuma wɔ ɔfã a wode bae no ho. Na sɛ abusuabɔ biara ma wote nka da sɛ wonni ahobammɔ a, ɛno nyɛ adesoa a ɛsɛ sɛ moboom yɛ ho adwuma. Ɛno yɛ nea enti ɛsɛ sɛ wone obi a wode wo ho to ne so anaa obenfo kasa fa pue mu ho.
Mmoa hwehwɛ nkyerɛ sɛ abusuabɔ no asɛe. Mpɛn pii no, ɛkyerɛ sɛ mo baanu fa no aniberesɛm araa ma mopɛ sɛ ɛtena hɔ.
Nnipa baanu a wɔwɔ abakɔsɛm betumi asi biribi a ɛtim hɔ ampa. Ɛnyɛ sɛ wɔbɛpopa deɛ atwam no, na ɛnyɛ sɛ wɔbɛyɛ sɛnea ɛnni dan no mu, na mmom sɛ wɔbɛka nokware afa deɛ mo mu biara kura ho na wɔasua, wɔ mmere nketenkete ɔha mu, sɛ wɔde ne ho bɛyɛ brɛoo. Ɛno nyɛ ɔdɔ a esua. Yɛn mu dodow no ara, ɛno nkutoo na ɛwɔ hɔ.
Nsɛm a ɛfi
- Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
- Scientific American, How Childhood Relationships Affect Your Adult Attachment Style, according to Large New Study
- The Gottman Institute, An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
- Psych Central, Vulnerability in Relationships: Benefits and Tips