Afotusɛm ntiantia
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ɛtaa fi aseɛ sɛ asɛmmisa ketewa komm bi a wuntumi nto fam. Nneɛma yɛ pa dodoɔ no ara. Nanso, wo fa bi kɔ so bisa sɛ eyi yɛ deɛ ɛteɛ anaa. Wosan kae nkɔmmɔ bi. Wokyerɛw adamfo bi krataasɛm tenten na afei wopepa. Wodwene sɛ akyinnyegyeɛ no kyerɛ biribi sɛ biribi nteɛ, anaa akyinnyegyeɛ yɛ sɛnea ɔdɔ foforɔ te ma obiara.
Kane, ahomegyeɛ kakra: sɛ wonni awerɛhyɛmu no nkyerɛ sɛ woredi nkogu wɔ eyi mu. Nhwehwɛmufoɔ a wɔhwehwɛ sɛnea nnipa si gyinaeɛ sɛ wɔ ne ɔhokafoɔ bɛtena anaa wɔbɛtetew mu hunuu sɛ ɛkame yɛ nnipa a wɔbisaa wɔn no fa wɔ ntease ankasa a ɛma wɔtena hɔ ne ntease ankasa a ɛma wɔkɔ bere korɔ. Saa nhwehwɛmu no, a ɔdwenefoɔ Samantha Joel dii anim no, daa ntease soronko 27 a nnipa de maa sɛ wɔbɛtena ne 23 a wɔbɛkɔ adi. Nnipa no fa pɛɛ tee sɛ wɔn adwene mu apaapae ankasa. Enti sɛ wokura "aane" ne "dabi" wɔ koko korɔ mu a, wowɔ nnipa a wɔn nteaseɛ teɛ saa ara mu.
Deɛ wopɛ no nyɛ awerɛhyɛmu. Awerɛhyɛmu nntaa mma ne bere so, na sɛ wotwɛn no a, ɛtumi ma wo si baabi mfeɛ pii. Deɛ wopɛ ne sɛ wobɛdwene eyi ho pefee ara kɔsi sɛ gyinaeɛ a wosi no yɛ wo deɛ ankasa, ɛnyɛ deɛ ɛkwan a ɛyɛ mmerɛ koraa bɛpaw ama wo.
Deɛ enti a eyi yɛ den sɛ wobɛhunu mu
Abusuabɔ foforɔ yɛ dede. Wo nipadua mu nhonhom reyɛ adeɛ pii pɛnkoro. Anigye, abataeɛ, suro a ɛyɛ daa sɛ wobɛyɛ no mfomso. Eyi nyinaa akyi no, abosome a edi kan no yɛ deɛ ɛkɔ baabiara. Woda so resua onipa ko a saa onipa yi yɛ bere a wabrɛ, ne ho yeraw no, anaa n'ani abu no, na ɔno nso resua wo ho korɔ no ara.
Saa nhwehwɛmu no ara hunuu biribi a mfasoɔ wɔ ho. Bere a nneɛma pa no ne nneɛma a ɛyɛ den no nyɛ pɛ no, gyinaeɛ no taa yɛ deɛ ɛda adi. Adesɛm a ɛbɛn pɛɛ no na ɛyɛ ya. Bere a nneɛma pa ne emu bɔne no yɛ pɛ kakra no, wotena adwene-mienu no mu, na adwene-mienu no ankasa fi aseɛ te sɛ atemmuo. ɛnyɛ saa. ɛyɛ tebea a afa mmienu ankasa wɔ ho no nnyigyei kɛkɛ.
Twetwe komm bi nso wɔ hɔ a ɛkɔ tenaeɛ fam kɛkɛ ɛfiri sɛ tenaeɛ yɛ mmerɛ sen kɔ. Bere tenten a woadi wɔ biribi mu no, saa twetwe no mu yɛ duru. ɛfata sɛ wobɔ din, sɛnea wobɛtumi ahunu nsonsonoeɛ a ɛda *mepɛ eyi* ne *mempɛ nkɔmmɔ a emu yɛ den no nko* ntam.
Paepae nsɛm a ɛsɛe abusuabɔ no mu firi nyiniedie ɔyaw mu
ɔhaw biara nkura mu duru korɔ no ara, na sɛ wode di dwuma sɛ ɛnyɛ saa a, ɛyɛ ɔkwan ntɛm a wode kɔ adwene mu basabasa mu. ɛboa sɛ wopaepae nneɛma a ɛtaa wɔ ano aduruyɛ ne nneɛma a ɛtaa nnya ano aduruyɛ no mu.
Ntwitwaho bi yɛ ɛboɔ a nnipa ankasa mmienu a wɔrebɛn wɔn ho tua. Akwan ahodoɔ. Akasakasa a edi kan a ɛyɛ basaa. Sɛ wobɛhwehwɛ sɛnea wɔbɛkyerɛw wɔn ho mpɛn ahe. Dapɛn a ɛyɛ basaa. Eyinom taa yɛ nyiniedie ɔyaw, na wobɛtumi aka nyiniedie ɔyaw ho asɛm afa mu.
Suban afoforɔ yɛ duru, na ɛfata sɛ wode di no asɛm pa mu mpo wɔ mfiaseɛ. Abusuabɔ ho nhwehwɛmufoɔ John Gottman de mfe pii hwɛɛ awarefoɔ na ɔhunuu nkitahodie su ɛnan a ɛsɛe adeɛ ara kɔsi sɛ ɔfrɛɛ no Apɔnkɔsotefoɔ Baanan: akasakasa a ɛto hyɛ suban so sen nneyɛeɛ pɔtee bi so, animtiabuo, wo-ho-bammɔ, ne stonewalling (woto wo ho mu na woyɛ nwunu). ɛnan no mu, ɔhunuu sɛ animtiabuo (fɛdie, asredie, ani buebue, ɔma obi tew ne ho ase) na ɛyɛ adeɛ baako a ɛkyerɛ kɛse sen biara sɛ abusuabɔ bi rentena.
Nsonsonoeɛ bi a ɛfiri n'adwuma mu a ɛma adeɛ da hɔ ankasa ni. Anwiinwii fa adeɛ a ɛsiiɛ ho: "Mehaw me ho bere a woankyerɛw na na mennim sɛ wo ho yɛ wo den." Akasakasa di onipa no akyi: "Wodɔ wo ho dodo, wonnwene me ho da." Awarefoɔ dodoɔ no ara nwiinwii. Suban a ɛsɛ sɛ wohwɛ ne sɛ wofiri anwiinwii a ɛfa ɔhaw bi ho dane wo ho a moto hyɛ obiako so.
Enti bere a ɔhaw bi ba a, wobɛtumi abisa wo ho asɛm a ano yɛ nnam sen *eyi yɛ bɔne anaa?* Bisa: eyi yɛ ɔhaw a yɛredi ho dwuma anaa ɔkwan a yɛfa so di yɛn ho yɛn ho?
Nsɛmmisa nokware kakra a wode bɛtena ho
Wonhia nkrataa nhyehyɛeɛ. Wuhia nsɛmmisa kakra a wobɛbua nokware mu, deɛ ɛyɛ pa no, woakyerɛw atwa nkyɛn sɛnea atenka denden no rentumi nsesa no daa.
- Sɛnea mete me ho wɔ eyi mu? ɛnyɛ sɛnea mete wɔn ho, sɛnea mete *me* ho bere a me ne wɔn wɔ hɔ, ne nnɔnhwere a ɛba akyi no. Te sɛ me ankasa kɛse, anaa kakra? Dwoodwoo, anaa abufuo so kɛse?
- Metumi de adeɛ a ɛyɛ den bɛto wɔn anim? Bere a biribi haw me a, mete nka sɛ me ho yɛ me den kakra sɛ meka, na wɔtie anaa? Anaa mehunu me ho sɛ meretwitwa nkɔmmɔ so sɛnea ɛbɛyɛ a akyiri mu nsɛm remma?
- Ahotosoɔ no rekɔ ɔkwan a ɛteɛ so anaa? Mfiaseɛ ahotosoɔ yɛ deɛ ɛnwie pɛyɛ firi ne su mu. Asɛmmisa no ne sɛ ɛrekyekye nkakrankakra ɛfiri bɔhyɛ nketewa a wodi so anaa ɛresɛe komm.
- Mereyɛ biribi atia wɔn, anaa biribi a aka akyɛ? Ɛtɔ da a ɔhokafoɔ a ɔwɔ hɔ seesei renya ɛhyeɛ a ɛfiri pira dada bi mu. ɛfata sɛ woka nokware fa ho, wɔ akwan mmienu nyinaa so.
- Anka mepɛ sɛ adamfo pa bi tena eyi mu? Yɛtaa hunu afoforɔ asetena mu nsɛm pefee sen yɛn deɛ. Fa saa hunu no fɛm.
Hwɛ deɛ woresusu. Wonhwehwɛ sɛ wɔyɛ pɛ. Worehwɛ sɛ abusuabɔ no yɛ onipa ko a wote mu no yie anaa.
Sɛnea abusuabɔ a egyina pintinn taa te
ɛyɛ mmerɛ sɛ wobɛsi w'ani gu nsɛnkyerɛnneɛ kɔkɔɔ no so na wo werɛ afiri deɛ worepɛ ankasa. Cleveland Clinic kyerɛ akwahosan abusuabɔ nsɛnkyerɛnneɛ wɔ kasa a emu da hɔ sen sɛnea ɔdɔ adwumakuo taa ma kwan: obu a ɛyɛ mmienu ne ɛhye ankasa, ahotosoɔ a ɛkɔ soro bere kɔ so, nkitahodie a ɛgyina hɔ bere a nneɛma yɛ den, ayamyɛ a ɛma wote nka sɛ wo ho yɛ dwoodwoo na woyɛ deɛ wodi kan, ne baabi a ɛdɔɔso sɛ wobɛkɔ so ayɛ onipa mua a wowɔ w'ankasa nnamfoɔ ne botaeɛ.
Saa a etwa toɔ no ho hia sen sɛnea nnipa susu. Abusuabɔ pa de biribi ka w'asetena ho. Ɛnte komm ma ɛyɛ ketewa.
Eyinom mu biara nhia sɛ abusuabɔ no nyɛ deɛ mmɔden nni mu. Deɛ ɛyɛ apɔmuden no hia mmɔden. Nsonsonoeɛ no ne sɛ mmɔden no kɔ biribi a wɔrekyekye abom mu, sen sɛ ɛkɔ sɛnea wɔbɛyɛ wo ahwɛyɛ mu.
Ansa na wobɛsi gyinaeɛ ɔkwan biara so
Gyinaeɛ a wosi wɔ atenka a ɛsoro mu no taa san yɛ akyiri yi, enti fa kwan kakra ma wo ho kane.
- Ne onipa no ankasa kasa, sɛ ɛho yɛ asomdwoeɛ a. Akyinnyegyeɛ pii fi nkɔmmɔ a woabɔ wɔ wo tirim na ɛnyɛ wɔ kasa mu. Adeɛ a wusuro sɛ wobɛka no taa yɛ adeɛ a ɛsɛ sɛ wɔka.
- Nya ɔbaako a ɔwɔ akyi adwene firi obi a ɔpɛ deɛ ɛyɛ ma wo, ɛnyɛ obi a ɔpɛ sɛ wuyi wo ho kɛkɛ anaa obi a ɔpɛ sɛ wotena hɔ kɛkɛ.
- Hwɛ suban sen atenka. Anadwo bɔne baako yɛ nsɛm, nanso ɛnyɛ asɛm no nyinaa. Suban a ɛkɔ so san ba dapɛn pii no ne adeɛ a wode bɛkari.
- Fa w'adwene yɛ abosome nsia bio a ɛte saa ara, nsakraeɛ kɛseɛ biara nni mu. Sɛ saa mfoni no de ahomegyeɛ ba a, ɛkyerɛ wo biribi. Sɛ ɛde suro ba a, ɛno nso kyerɛ wo biribi.
Bere a ɛsɛ sɛ wokɔpɛ mmoa pii
Eyi mu bi yɛ kɛseɛ sen pa-ne-bɔne nhwɛsoɔ, na ɛnsɛ sɛ wo nko ara paepae mu. Sɛ wokɔ so twa gyinaeɛ korɔ no ara ho hyia abosome pii na wuntumi ntu a, adwene ho ɔyaresafoɔ bɛtumi aboa wo ma woate w'ankasa adwene ase pefee. Sɛ abusuabɔ no resɛe wo nna, w'akɔnnɔ, onipa ko a woyɛ, anaa sɛnea woda wo ho adi ma nnipa a wodɔ wɔn a, ɛno fata sɛ wo ne ɔbenfoɔ bi di ho nkɔmmɔ.
Na mesrɛ wo, twa ɛhye a egyina pintinn fa banbɔ ho. Sɛ ɔhokafoɔ redi baabi a wokɔ anaa nnipa a wuhu wɔn so, ɔrehyɛ wo so boro wo "dabi" so, ɔrebɔ wo hu, anaa ɔrepira wo wɔ honam, atenka, anaa sika fam a, ɛno nyɛ tena-anaa-kɔ aborɔdwe a wo nko ara di ho dwuma. Mmoa a wɔde sie wɔ hɔ, na sɛ wokɔpɛ a ɛyɛ adeɛ a ɛyɛ den na ano da hɔ.
Deɛ wobɛsi biara, ma ɛnyɛ gyinaeɛ a wo ankasa woasi, a w'ani da hɔ, sen deɛ ɛtoo wo bere a na woretwɛn sɛ wonya awerɛhyɛmu. Wowɔ ho kwan sɛ wobɛpaw eyi. Wowɔ ho kwan nso sɛ wobɛpaw wo ho.
Mmeaeɛ a wonyaa nsɛm yi firii
- University of Utah, Should I Stay or Go? (research by Samantha Joel)
- The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship