Somebody senior been generous with you two times now. Dey wen give you one straight answer in one meeting, dey wen take your question serious when dey neva had to, and you been drafting one message to dem for one week. Every version get deleted, cause every version sound like one demand for someting huge.
It sound like one demand cause dat's what it is. Da word mentor imply unpaid work forever, one open-ended commitment to somebody dey barely know, and one busy person read um like one subscription dey no can cancel. Da message no going write itself cause you asking for da wrong ting.
Ask for someting small, specific and finite instead: fifteen minutes on one decision you about to make. Den come back and tell dem what you wen do with da answer. Mentorship stay what three of dose conversations turn into all by demself, and da word neva gotta come up at all.
How I ask somebody fo be my mentor?
No do um. Ask for fifteen minutes on one real decision instead, name da decision in da message, and say when you gotta make um by.
One request fo be somebody's mentor stay unbounded, undefined and no can rate um, so da safe answer is one polite deflection. One request for fifteen minutes on whether fo take da platform role or stay on payments stay bounded, flattering and easy fo say yes to. It also tell da person da ting dey most like know, which is dat dea time going get used on someting real.
People say yes way mo often than you expect. Research by Flynn and Lake, summarized by da Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley, wen find dat people underestimate da chance of getting one yes to one direct request for help by as much as fifty percent. Da reason is one difference in what each side stay looking at. You focused on da burden you putting on dem. Dey focused on how uncomfortable it feel fo turn down somebody who wen ask direct and polite.
So da odds stay better than da draft in your outbox assume. And da smaller and mo specific da ask, da better dey get.
What exactly I write in da message?
Four sentences and no mo: da specific decision, why you asking dis person, da fifteen minute ask with one deadline, and one easy exit.
Someting like dis. I deciding between one specialist track and one management track and I gotta answer by da end of da month. You wen do both, and da way you wen describe da trade in da all hands wen stick with me. Can I get fifteen minutes in da next two weeks fo ask three questions? If da timing stay bad, no worries at all, and I no going chase um.
Three details make da difference. Name da actual decision, cause one real problem stay interesting and one vague request for career advice stay one chore. Say why dem, specifically, since one message dat could have gone to forty people read like it went to forty people. And give da exit, cause one easy no is what make one yes cheap fo give.
Den show up prepared. Three questions written down, arrive on time, and finish two minutes early. Finishing early is one small ting dat people remember, and it's da most easy way fo be somebody worth giving anodda fifteen minutes to.
What if dey say no, or neva reply?
Assume was da calendar, not you, and let um go clean. Send nothing for three months, den send one line telling dem what you wen decide and how um went, with no ask attached at all.
Most no-replies is one full inbox in one bad week. One quiet follow-up dat ask for nothing and just report one outcome stay unusual enough fo get read, and it move you from somebody who like someting to somebody who do someting. One surprising number of relationships start on dat second message.
If da answer is one actual no, take um at face value and thank dem one time. No negotiate and no explain why dey should reconsider. You building one twenty year reputation and da person who take one no gracefully get remembered better than da person who wen get da meeting.
And widen da field. Da people who end up well advised no get one mentor, dey get six people dey can ask one question each. Somebody two years ahead of you stay plenty times mo useful than somebody twenty years ahead, cause dey still remember da details and dea answers stay current.
How I earn da second conversation?
Come back and report what you wen do with da advice. Dat one act is what turn one meeting into one relationship, and almost nobody do um.
Give um two or three weeks, den send four lines. Here what you wen say. Here what I wen do. Here what wen happen. Thank you. If you neva take dea advice, say dat too and say why, cause one person who wen think about da answer on dea own stay mo interesting fo advise than one person who just comply.
Reporting back is not one courtesy. It's da only proof around dat dea fifteen minutes wen turn into someting, and it's da reason da second meeting stay easy while da first one was hard. Advisers keep advising people whose lives visibly move.
Den bring someting da next time. You not senior, but you not empty handed either. You know what your generation of da job really like, you know which tools work, you see one part of da company dey no can see, and you can send dem da article about dea own field dat dey wen miss. Da relationships dat last is da ones dat run both ways, and da sooner yours do, da sooner it stop feeling like charity.
What I gotta give when I da junior one?
Give da ting you asking for. You senior to somebody right now, whatever your level, and da fifteen minutes you hoping fo get is fifteen minutes you can hand out dis month.
Answer da message you would have deleted. Take da person two years behind you for one coffee and let dem ask three questions. Den go one step mo and say dea name in one room dey no stay in, which is da version dat actually move careers, and which almost nobody get taught fo do. Get one companion piece in dis library, Becoming the Obvious Choice, about exactly dat move: speaking for people instead of only talking to dem.
Two honest reasons, and no karma in either one. Sitting on da odda side of da table is da fastest way fo learn what make one request easy fo say yes to, which make your own asks better right away. And da people who end up with three senior advocates usually was somebody's advocate demself first. Same room, same habit and same set of conversations, run both directions.
Good mentoring stay mo rare than it should be. Gallup's long running research on college graduates wen find only fourteen percent strongly agreed dey had professors who cared about dem, made dem excited about learning and encouraged dem fo chase dea dreams. Dat gap not made of unwilling people. It's made of one question nobody eva wen ask dem in one form small enough fo say yes to.
Da long version is one network you neva set out fo build
Ten years from now you going get one handful of people you can call, and none of dem going be recruited. Dey going be people you wen ask one good question, wen go away, wen do da ting, and wen come back fo tell about um, and couple of dem going be people you wen do dat for first.
Dat's one slower mechanism than one formal mentoring program and one way mo reliable one, cause nothing about um depend on one match, one form or one scheme dat get canceled in one reorg. It run on fifteen minutes at one time, and every one of dose fifteen minutes stay available to you dis week.
So send da message you been deleting. Name da decision, ask for da quarter hour, make um easy fo decline, and put da date you going report back in your calendar before you press send. Den send da second one, da one where you da person giving da fifteen minutes away. Both of dose is da same skill, and you going be better at your own career for practicing da giving half early.
Sources
- Greater Good in Action, University of California, Berkeley, Ask for Help at Work
- Gallup, Life in College Matters for Life After College
- Harvard Business Review, Why Men Still Get More Promotions Than Women
- Catalyst, Managing with a sponsorship mindset: Why mentorship isn't enough