Amathiphu asheshayo
- Phefumulela phandle kanye kade ngaphambi kokuphendula.
- Qamba ngokuthula umuzwa ophakama kuwe.
- Thola into eyodwa eyiqiniso, ewusizo.
Othile uyayisho leyo nto. Mhlawumbe ngumphathi wakho ekuhloleni, mhlawumbe ilungu leqembu phambi kwegumbi, mhlawumbe umlayezo osuke uhlale nje esikrinini sakho. "Le ngxenye ayisebenzanga." Futhi ngaphambi kokuba unqume noma yini, ubuso bakho buyashisa, isisu sakho siyawa, futhi izwana elincane ekhanda lakho selivele lakha icala lokuzivikela.
Leyo mpendulo isheshayo ngoba kufanele ibe njalo. Awuyikhethanga. Umsebenzi othakazelisayo awukho ekumiseni ukukhuphuka, ikakhulukazi awukwazi, ukusekutheni wenzani emizuzwaneni embalwa ngemva kwako. Leyo mizuzwana yilapho igama lakho, ubudlelwano bakho, futhi ngokusobala ukufunda kwakho konke kuhlala khona. Izindaba ezinhle wukuthi kungaqeqeshwa.
Kungani amazwana angazwakala njengesongelo
Ubuchopho bakho abugcini umugqa ohlelekile phakathi kwengozi yomzimba nengozi yenhlalo. Ukugxekwa, ikakhulukazi phambi kwabanye, kubhaliswa kwesinye salezo zezinto ezifanayo ezibhabhamela lapho kukhona okungalungile ngempela. Ingxenye ye-alamu yobuchopho bakho ayilindi amaqiniso. Ivele ikhale.
Uma leyo alamu ithatha izintambo, ingxenye ehamba kancane, ehlakaniphile yobuchopho bakho, ingxenye ekala ubufakazi ikhethe amagama, iba thule kakhulu. Yingakho abantu besho izinto ekushiseni kokuhlolwa abangeke bazisho uma benobusuku bokulala ngazo. Awubuthakathaka ngokukuzwa. Ungumuntu, osebenzisa isofthiwe endala kakhulu.
Kukhona into yesibili eyenzekayo futhi. Abacwaningi uSheila Heen noDouglas Stone, abachitha iminyaka befunda ukuthi kungani impendulo yokuhlaziya kunzima kangaka ukuyamukela, bakhomba ukuthi noma yisiphi isiqephu sokugxekwa empeleni sishaya izintambo ezintathu ezehlukene ngesikhathi esisodwa. Kukhona umbuzo wokuthi ingabe *iyiqiniso yini*. Kukhona indlela ozizwa ngayo ngo-*muntu* oyilethayo. Futhi kukhona lokho ekubonakala ikusho ngo-*wena ongubani*. Amazwana amancane ngespredishithi angathula abe "Angilungile emsebenzini wami," noma "Angisiye umuntu ebengicabanga ukuthi nginguye." Lokho kweqa, kusuka emazwaneni kuya kubunjalo bomuntu, kuyingxenye enkulu yalokho okwenza ukugxekwa kuhlabe ngaphezu kokulinganisa kwamagama angempela.
Imizuzwana engamashumi ayisishiyagalolunye yokuqala
Le yingxenye ebaluleke kunazo zonke, ngakho ithola indawo enkulu kunazo zonke.
Umgomo akusiwo ukuzizwa uzolile. Uwukwenza uzinzile ngenkathi uzwa noma yini oyizwayo. Izinto ezimbalwa ezisiza ngempela, cishe ngokulandelana obungazisebenzisa ngayo:
- Bamba ukukhuphuka bese uphefumulela phandle. Ngomzuzu ozwa khona ukushisa, phefumulela phandle kanye ngokungasheshi, kade ngaphambi kwanoma yini enye. Ukuphefumulela phandle kade kuwuphawu lomzimba olusheshayo ongaluthumela emzimbeni wakho wokuthi isimo esiphuthumayo siphelile. Gxilisa izinyawo zakho. Wehlise amahlombe akho. Uzithengela igebe.
- Qamba lokho okuzwayo, ngokuthula. Lokhu kunesayensi yangempela ngemuva kwakho. Uma ubeka umuzwa ngamazwi, ngisho nakuwe wedwa, i-alamu ebuchosheni bakho iyadamba ngendlela elinganisekayo bese ingxenye yokucabanga ibuya ku-inthanethi. Ngakho ngaphakathi ekhanda lakho: *Ngizizwa ngivikela. Nginamahloni.* Yilokho nje. Abacwaningi bakubiza ngokuqamba imizwa, futhi kusebenza ngemizuzwana.
- Zithengele umusho wesikhathi. Cishe awudingi ukuphendula ngokushesha. Umusho olula othi "Ake ngiqiniseke ukuthi ngiyaqonda" noma "Nginike umzuzwana ngikumunce lokho" ungowobungcweti ngokuphelele, futhi unikeza ubuchopho bakho obuhamba kancane imizuzwana embalwa obuyidingayo.
- Funa ukwazi esikhundleni sokwakha icala lakho. Ngenkathi uzivikela, awukwazi ukufunda, lokhu okubili akukwazi ukwenzeka ngesikhathi esisodwa. Zama ukuyizwa ngempela leyo nto ngaphambi kokuyihlela. Uzoba naso sonke isikhathi somhlaba ukuyihlola kamuva.
Akukho kulokhu okudinga ukuba uvume. Kuvele kukugcina egumbini njengomuntu obungathanda ukuba nguye, kunalowo osabelayo.
Kuhlele ngemuva, hhayi ngaleso sikhathi
Uma ukushisa sekudlulile, ngokuvamile emva kwesikhathi eside kwengxoxo, ungenza ukucabanga kwangempela. Akukho konke ukugxekwa okulinganayo, futhi uvunyelwe ukukukala.
Imibuzo embalwa eyiqiniso iyasiza:
- Ingabe kukhona into eyodwa eyiqiniso lapha, ngisho nencane, engingayisebenzisa? Cishe njalo ikhona, futhi ukuyithola kuwusizo kakhulu kunokwahlulela okunye.
- Kuvela kubani lokhu, futhi banayo yini indawo yokubona okuhle abakuchazayo? Impendulo yokuhlaziya evela kumuntu okubuka usebenza nsuku zonke ibaluleke kakhulu kunombono odlula nje.
- Ingabe lokhu kumayelana nomsebenzi wami, noma ngikuvumele kwehlela kube yisinqumo ngami njengomuntu? Hlukanisa lokho kokubili ngamabomu. Ispredishithi sakho besinephutha. Wena awulona iphutha.
UHeen noStone baphakamisa isinyathelo esincane, esinamandla uma ngempela ufuna ukukhula: cela umuntu oyedwa into eyodwa. "Qamba into eyodwa engingayenza ngendlela ehlukile engenza umehluko." Kuguqula ukwesaba okungacacile kokwahlulelwa kube yinto eqondile nenomkhawulo, okulula kakhulu ukuba uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa lukubambe.
Kuyasiza ukukhumbula ukuthi impendulo yokuhlaziya ivamise ukuba yini, ngisho nalapho ifika njengesinqumo. Iningi layo umbono womuntu oyedwa esuka lapho kwenzeka emi khona, obunjwe usuku lwakhe, umsebenzi wakhe, izindawo zakhe angaziboni. Amazwana abo ngomsebenzi wakho akutshela okuthile kwangempela ngokuthi bewubukeka kanjani kusuka laphaya. Awukhiphi isinqumo ngokubaluleka kwakho. Ukukubamba ngokukhululekile kanjalo, njengolwazi oluwusizo kunesigwebo, yikho okukuvumela ukuthatha okuhle kukho ngaphandle kokumunca okunye.
Uma kungeyona ngempela impendulo yokuhlaziya
Asikhulume ngokusobala. Okunye ukugxekwa akunikezwa ukukusiza. Kuwukudelela, noma ngumuntu ophethe usuku lwakhe olubi ngezindleko zakho, akwembathisa njengamazwana. Awukukweleti lokho ingqondo evulekile efanayo.
Usengagcina ukuzola kwakho, lokho kungokwakho, hhayi okwabo, ngenkathi unquma ngokuthula ukuthi okuqukethwe akukufanele ukugcinwa. Ukuhlala uzinzile akusho ukugwinya konke. Kusho ukuthi wena, hhayi uhlelo lwakho lwe-alamu, ukhetha ukuthi ungenisani. Umusho ozolile othi "Ngiyakuzwa, ngizocabanga ngakho" ungavala umnyango ngokuhlanzeka njengoba uwuvula.
Futhi uma ukugxekwa empilweni yakho sekuwele kokuthile okukucobisa ngempela, iphethini yokwehliswa isithunzi, indawo yokusebenza ekushiya ukhathazekile ngaphambi kokuba ngisho ufike, leyo akuyona inkinga yokuzola engaxazululwa ngokuphefumula kade. Lokho kufanele kukhulunyelwe nomuntu omethembayo, futhi, uma isisindo sakho sikulandela ekhaya nasebuthongweni bakho, nomeluleki wezengqondo noma udokotela wakho. Kukhona umehluko phakathi kwamazwana anzima nokulimala okuhamba kancane. Ufanelwe ukwesekwa ekuwahlukaniseni.
Ukuzinza okwakhayo lapha kuyakhokha ngendlela ethule. Abantu abakwazi ukuzwa iqiniso elinzima ngaphandle kokuhlakazeka yibona abanye ababathembayo ngamaqiniso anzima, futhi lokho kwethembana kuyingxenye enkulu yalokho ithonya langempela elakhiwe ngakho.
Imithombo
- Harvard Business Review, Find the Coaching in Criticism (Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone)
- UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
- PubMed, Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity (Lieberman et al., 2007)
- American Psychological Association, Control Anger Before It Controls You