Amathiphu asheshayo
- Shintshanisa ulimi lwe-wena ngalokho okuqaphelile.
- Yifunde kabusha: bengizozizwa kanjani ngiyithola lokhu.
- Buza umbuzo wangempela, hhayi isinqumo.
Cishe uke waba nalesi sipiliyoni kuzo zombili izinhlangothi. Umuntu ukunika impendulo enembile, ewusizo, bese uchitha ihora elilandelayo uzivikela esikhundleni sokwenza ngayo. Noma usho okuthile okuyiqiniso nokunengqondo kuzakwenu, bese bethula babande, futhi awukwazi ukuthola ukuthi kungani. Ulwazi belulungile. Umlayezo ufike kabi noma kunjalo.
Iningi lethu safundiswa ukuthi ukuxhumana kumayelana nokuqukethwe. Yenza amaqiniso alunge, wenze umqondo ucace, bese okunye kuzinakekela kona. Akusebenzi kanjalo. Abantu abazwa kuphela lokho okushoyo. Bezwa ukuthi kuphephe kangakanani ukuba ohlangothini olwamukelayo kuwe. Futhi lowo muzwa umiswa, kakhulukazi, yithoni nendlela yokubeka amazwi, izinto ezimbili esivame ukuzishiya zizihambela khona kanye lapho zibaluleke khona kakhulu.
Uhlelo lwe-Harvard lokuthuthukiswa kobungcweti lukubeka ngokusobala esiqondisweni sawo ngamakhono okuxhumana: indlela osho ngayo okuthile ingabaluleka ngokufanayo nalokho okushoyo. Ithoni ingangeza amandla emlayezweni wakho noma iwuchithe ngokuthulile. Umusho ofanayo ungavula umnyango noma uwuvale ngamandla, kuya ngomculo ongaphansi kwamazwi.
Kungani ushintsho oluncane lwegama lwenza okuningi kangaka
Qala ngendlela yokubeka amazwi, ngoba yiyo into elula kakhulu ukuyilungisa futhi umphumela mkhulu ngokumangazayo.
Kunomehluko ofundwe kahle phakathi kwalokho abacwaningi abakubiza ngokuthi "ulimi lwe-wena" ne"limi lwe-mina." Ulimi lwe-wena lubeka omunye umuntu ecaleni. "Uwise ibhola." "Uyazivikela." "Awungifaki." Ulimi lwe-mina luchaza isipiliyoni sakho esikhundleni salokho. "Angitholanga engikudingayo ukuqeda ingxenye yami." "Ngiyakhathazeka ukuthi asivumelani."
Ucwaningo luka-2018 olwashicilelwa kujenali i-PeerJ lwahlola ukuthi abantu basabela kanjani kulezi zindlela ezimbili zokubeka ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana. Izitatimende ezakhelwe olimini lwe-mina zalinganiselwa njengezingenathuba kangako lokuvusa impendulo yokuzivikela kunezikhalo ezifanayo ezakhelwe olimini lwe-wena. Inguqulo eyasebenza kangcono yenza isinyathelo esengeziwe: yaxhumanisa ulimi lwe-mina nokuvuma umbono womunye umuntu kuqala. Okuthile okuthi, "Ngiyaqonda ukuthi kungani ungakubona ngaleyo ndlela, futhi nakhu okubukeka ngakho lapho ngihlezi khona."
Lokho akukhona ubumnene ngenxa yako. Kumayelana nokugcina ukucabanga komunye umuntu kusebenza. Ngesikhathi umuntu ezizwa esolwa, ingxenye yengqondo ephatha isongo ithatha izintambo, bese ingxenye elalelayo necabangayo iba thule. Ungaba qotho ngokuphelele kodwa usavusa leso siphunzo. Uma sesiguqukile, ukunemba kwakho kuyayeka ukubaluleka, ngoba akekho osalalele ngempela.
Ezinye izinshintsho ezimbalwa ezehlisa ukushisa ngaphandle kokuthambisa okuqukethwe:
- Shintshanisa "njalo" ne"soze" ngalokho okwenzeke ngempela. "Awuze uphendule imiyalezo yami" kumema impikiswano ngesikhathi esisodwa abaphendula ngaso. "Angizwanga mpendulo emibili yokugcina" kunzima ukuphikisana nakho futhi kulula ukukulungisa.
- Buza ngaphambi kokucabanga. "Kwenzekani ngakwakho?" kukuyisa kude kunokuthi "Kungani ungakwenzanga lokhu?"
- Qamba inkinga, hhayi umuntu. "Le drafthi ayikafiki lapho" kuyinkinga eningayixazulula ndawonye. "Uyabhaxabula" kuyisinqumo, futhi abantu ababambisani ekugwetshweni kwabo.
Ukusho into enzima ngaphandle kokumfihliza umuntu
Indlela emnene yokubeka amazwi ayifani nokugwema iqiniso. Ezinye zezinto ezinomusa kakhulu ongazenzela umuntu ziphinde zibe eziqondile kakhulu. Iqhinga ukuletha ubuqotho ngendlela abangayisebenzisa ngempela.
Abacwaningi bakufundile kanye lokhu. Uchungechunge lwezivivinyo oluholwa nguDavid Yeager noGeoffrey Cohen, olwashicilelwa ku-Journal of Experimental Psychology, lwabheka ukuthi unganika kanjani abantu impendulo egxekayo abazokwenza ngayo kunokuyizonda. Indlela eyasebenza ngezinye izikhathi ibizwa ngokuthi "impendulo ehlakaniphile," futhi inezingxenye ezimbili ezilula. Wenza kucace ukuthi ukugxeka kubonisa amazinga aphakeme, futhi wenza kucace ukuthi ukholelwa ukuthi umuntu angawafinyelela.
Ezifundweni, abafundi abathola amanothi afanayo agxekayo enanyaniselwe naleyo ndlela emfushane yokubeka babenethuba elikhulu kakhulu lokubuyekeza umsebenzi wabo bawuthuthukise. Ukugxeka akushintshanga. Indaba eyizungezile yashintsha. Esikhundleni sokufunda "lokhu kubi," bafunda "lokhu kubalulekile nawe futhi."
Ungakuboleka lokhu cishe emushweni owodwa. Ngaphambi kwengxenye enzima, sho ukuthi ubamba umuntu kuliphi izinga nokuthi kungani uzihlupha. "Ngikunika amanothi anemininingwane ngoba izinga lapha liphakeme futhi anginakungabaza ukuthi ungalifinyelela." Bese uba nqophile ngokumele kushintshe. Abantu bangathwala ubuqotho obuningi lapho bethemba ukuthi akusona isinqumo esifihliwe ngokubaluleka kwabo.
Ukushisa okulethayo
Indlela yokubeka amazwi ingamagama. Ithoni iyiyo yonke into engaphansi kwawo, ivolumu yakho, isivinini sakho, ukubukeka ebusweni bakho, ukuthi izwi lakho linobukhali yini. Abantu bafunda ithoni ngokushesha kunokuhlaziya okuqukethwe, futhi bayithemba kakhulu. Uma amazwi akho ethi "ayikho inkinga" kodwa umhlathi wakho uqinile futhi impendulo yakho inqamulwe, bazokholelwa umhlathi.
Yingakho ukuzilawula kwakho kuyikhono lokuxhumana, hhayi into ehlukile oyiphatha eceleni. Awukwazi ukuletha umlayezo ozinzile usuka emzimbeni ongazinzile. Lapho ugcwele, ithoni yakho iyakuvuza, futhi omunye umuntu ubamba isexwayiso bengakawuzwa ngisho nephuzu lakho.
Isenzo esisebenzayo ukuzithengela umzuzwana ngaphambi kokuphendula, ikakhulukazi lapho ubhala, lapho kungekho mfudumalo emazwini wokuthambisa obukhali. Funda umlayezo emuva bese uzibuza umbuzo osheshayo: uma umuntu ebengithumelele leli nothi kanye, bengizozizwa kanjani ngilifunda? Ngokuvamile uzobamba igama elenza umonakalo obungawuhlosile, futhi ukulishintsha akubizi lutho.
Yenza kuphephe ukuphendula
Ingxenye yokugcina imayelana nohlobo lwegumbi olilakhayo ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Umcwaningi wobuholi u-Amy Edmondson uchithe amashumi eminyaka efunda lokho akubiza ngokuthi ukuphepha kwengqondo, umuzwa owabelwana ngawo wokuthi ungakhuluma, ungavumelani, noma uvume iphutha ngaphandle kokujeziswa ngalo. Okunye okutholakele kwakhe okucace kakhulu kumayelana nendlela abaholi ababuza ngayo imibuzo.
Kukhona umehluko phakathi kombuzo wangempela nesitatimende esigqoke uphawu lombuzo. "Awucabangi yini ukuthi kufanele sihambe nenketho A?" akusona isimemo. Kuyisinqumo esicela ukuvumelana, futhi abantu bayakubona. Umbuzo wangempela yilowo ongakawazi impendulo yawo: "Yini esiyishiyayo lapha?" "Yini engakwenza wesabe ngale hlelo?" Leyo mibuzo itshela abantu ukuthi umbono wabo ufunwa ngempela, futhi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi yilokho okwenza ithimba lizimisele ukukutshela iqiniso ngaphambi kokuba sekwephuze kakhulu.
Akukho kwalokhu okudinga ukuba ube umuntu ohlukile. Akudingeki ube ushelela ngokwemvelo noma othandekayo. Kudingeka nje wehlise ngokwanele ukuze ukhethe, ngamabomu, amazwi nethoni okuvumela omunye umuntu ukuba ahlale engxoxweni nawe.
Kusho lokho, ukuxhumana kunesisindo sangempela ezimpilweni zethu, futhi lapho kulokhu kuhamba kabi kungakukhathaza. Uma ukungqubuzana ekhaya noma emsebenzini kukushiya ukhathazekile, ungalali, noma wesaba abantu obuvame ukubathokozela, noma uma yonke ingxoxo enzima ibonakala iphela ngendlela efanayo ebuhlungu noma yini oyizamayo, kufanele ukhulume nodokotela wezengqondo noma umeluleki. Ngezinye izikhathi iphethini ayimayelani nokukhetha amagama nhlobo, futhi umuntu ochwepheshe omuhle angakusiza ubone ukuthi yini engaphansi kwako.
Imithombo
- PeerJ (via PubMed Central), I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict
- Journal of Experimental Psychology: General (via PubMed), Breaking the cycle of mistrust: wise interventions to provide critical feedback across the racial divide
- Harvard Division of Continuing Education, 8 Ways You Can Improve Your Communication Skills
- Harvard Business School Working Knowledge, Four Steps to Build the Psychological Safety That High-Performing Teams Need Today