Stonewalling: Why People Dey Shut Down, and How to Open Di Door Again

You dey try talk something through. Your voice dey get tighter, dia own dey get quieter, and den dem just go. Eyes drop go ground or phone. One-word answers, or nothing at all. You ask wetin dey wrong and you get flat "nothing." Di harder you push, di further dem seem to drift away, until you dey talk to person wey look like say dem don leave di room while dem still siddon right for your front.

Dat shutting-down get name. Researchers dey call am stonewalling, and if you don dey for either end of am, you know how lonely e dey feel. Di person wey dey pursue dey feel stranded and dismissed. Di person wey don go quiet usually dey feel something too, though from outside you go never guess wetin.

Wetin dey look like say di person no send, na, more often than not, di exact opposite.

Wetin body wey shut down actually dey do

Di relationship researcher John Gottman spend decades dey watch couples dey quarrel for lab, dem connect dem to monitors. E notice say some people, for middle of quarrel, go simply stop to respond. Dem go turn away, look down, stiffen up, stop to give any of di small signals wey talk say "I still dey here with you." E name dis one of di patterns wey dey spoil relationship pass over time.

But di monitors tell stranger story. Di people wey don go blank for outside were often lit up for inside. Heart rate dey climb pass 100 beats a minute. Rush of stress hormones. Di whole fight-or-flight system dey trip into gear. Gottman call dis state flooding, and once person don flood, di thinking part of di brain go step back and di alarm part go take over.

So di silence no be strategy. E close pass to circuit breaker. When di body decide say too much current dey run through di system, e go cut di connection so e no go burn di wires. Di person wey dey stare di carpet no dey ignore you. Dem don hit wall inside demself, and to go quiet na wetin remain when di system don overwhelm and di words no dey come.

Dat one matter, because e dey change wetin you dey deal with. You no fit reason person comot from flooded state, just like you no fit talk person comot from sneeze. Dia nervous system get di floor now, and e no dey take questions.

Why e dey happen so fast

Clinicians get clinical name for di flooded state: diffuse physiological arousal. Na di whole body dey go into alarm at once, and na deep, old part of how dem wire us. Di system wey dey fire am no dey pause to check whether di danger na tiger or tense kitchen conversation. E just dey fire.

See di unfair part. People no dey flood for di same speed. Some bodies dey tip into full alarm much faster pass others, and dem dey also slower to come back down once dem do. So you fit get two people for di same quarrel dey get completely different physical experiences. One still fit think and talk. Di other one don cross di line three sentences ago and now just dey try hang on. To di first person, di second one look like say dem suddenly check out for no reason. From inside, very good reason bin dey. E just no dey visible.

To know dis one dey take some of di personal sting comot. Di shutdown often no be about how much person care or how mature dem be. Plenty of am na wiring, and how quick a particular body dey hit im limit.

To shut down no be di same as silent treatment

Dis one worth to slow down on, because di two dey confuse people constantly and di confusion dey do real damage.

Di silent treatment na deliberate move. Na to withhold on purpose, to go quiet to punish, to win, to make di other person sweat. Aim dey behind am, and di aim na to land blow.

Stonewalling, for di sense wey Gottman mean, usually no get aim at all. Na wetin flooded person dey do when dem don run out of capacity. As di Gottman Institute talk am plain, di silent treatment na to hurt di other person, while stonewalling na flooding and self-preservation. From across di room dem fit look identical. Underneath, dem be different animals.

Why di difference matter so much? Because if you read overwhelmed shutdown as deliberate wickedness, you go respond with more heat, and more heat na exactly wetin dey flood di system further. You go end up dey punish person for state wey dem no fit control, and una two go sink deeper. To read am accurately na di first repair.

(None of dis one na free pass. If dem dey use silence as weapon, on purpose and repeatedly, dat one na real problem wey worth to call and to get help for am. Di point no be to excuse every withdrawal. Na to stop to assume di worst when di worst usually no be wetin dey happen.)

Di chase wey dey make am worse

One sadly predictable dance dey wey dey tend to set in. One person wan talk am out and dey press in. Di other one feel di pressure, flood, and pull back. Di pulling back dey read like rejection, so di first person go press harder. Wey go flood di second person more. Researchers dey call dis di demand-withdraw pattern, and na one of di most studied dynamics for couples.

One study by Lauren Papp and her colleagues, wey dey watch couples handle real disagreements for house instead of for lab, find say di two versions of dis pattern, one partner dey demand while di other one dey withdraw, were tied to more negative feelings and less resolution. Di roles no fix to gender or to character. Na positions wey two people dey fall into, and either of una fit be di pursuer on one topic and di one wey shut down on di next.

Di trap na say each person instinct dey make di other person reaction worse. To pursue harder dey feel like di only way to reach person wey dey drift. Na di very thing wey dey drive dem further out.

If na you be di one wey dey shut down

Di goal here no be to force yourself to keep talk through flood. You no fit, and to try usually dey make di spiral tighter. Di goal na to leave di conversation for one way wey no dey feel like abandonment, and to actually come back.

1. Catch di early signs. Flooding get warning shadow. Hot face, clenched jaw, to go blank, di sudden urge to run or to shut di other person up. Di sooner you notice am, di more choices you get.
2. Call am instead of to disappear. Few honest words dey change everything: "I dey overwhelmed and I no fit think straight. I no dey leave dis matter. I just need small time." Dat sentence na di difference between break and wall. One dey talk wait for me; di other dey talk you dey on your own.
3. Take real break, and make e long enough. Di body need roughly twenty minutes to come down from full flood, sometimes more. Few deep breaths no go do am. Waka, siddon outside, do something with your hand.
4. No dey rehearse di fight. See di catch wey most people dey miss. If you spend di break dey replay dia worst line and dey build your reply, your body go stay flooded di whole time and di break no go do anything. Let di argument go for now. You fit pick am up later, when your head don come back.
5. Come back. Na dis be di part wey dey make di break something person fit trust. If you talk twenty minutes and disappear for two days, dem no go believe di next break. To come back, even just to talk "okay, I think say I fit talk now," na wetin dey teach di other person say your silence no be di end.

If na you be di one wey dem dey shut out

Dis side genuinely hard, because every instinct wey you get dey wrong for di moment.

When person wey you love go blank, di pull na to chase, to demand response, to raise di stakes until dem finally react. Against flooded nervous system, dat one na di worst move wey fit dey. You dey pour fuel on di fire and dey wonder why e dey spread.

Wetin dey help instead:

• Lower di temperature for di room, start with yourself. You no fit pull person comot from flood while you sef don flood too. Soften your voice. Unclench. Siddon. Your calm na di most useful thing wey you get.
• Offer di exit wey you wish say dem go take. Try something like, "I fit see say dis one too much right now. Make we stop and come back to am small time." To call di break for dem fit be relief when dem no fit find di words to ask.
• No dey read di silence as di whole story. E dey tempt person to fill di quiet with di most wicked interpretation. Try hold off. Overwhelmed shutdown rarely be di judgment on di relationship wey e dey feel like for di moment.
• Take care of your own hurt separately. To dem shut you out dey pain, and dat hurt real and worth to care for. Just try no make di flooded person responsible for am for di same breath wey dem dey try recover.

Why to come back na di whole point

Break only dey work if e be comma, no be full stop. Di repair no be di leaving. Na di returning, with softer voice and willingness to try di conversation again from calmer place.

Over time, couples wey dey get good for dis one dey build one kind shared agreement: when one of us flood, we pause, we no dey punish each other for am, and we dey come back. Dat agreement na wetin dey keep overwhelmed moment from hardening into pattern wey dey quietly scatter relationship.

One worry dey wey dey come up here, and na fair one. "If we keep dey take break, we no go just keep dey avoid di real thing forever?" Di fear na say di timeout go become permanent escape hatch and dem go never touch di issue. Dat one dey happen, but only when di break no get return build inside am. Break na avoidance when e no get end. Na repair when e get time on am and person actually waka back through di door. Di difference no be di pause. Na di promise wey dey attached to di pause, and whether dem keep dat promise enough times reach say di other person go learn to trust am.

E dey also help to remember wetin you dey try fix for dat moment, wey small pass how e dey feel. You no need to solve di whole disagreement before di break go work. You only need to get two bodies calm enough to dey for di same room again with some goodwill. Di actual problem, di plates or di money or di in-laws or whatever cause am, almost always easy to sort out once nobody don flood. Calm first, content second. For di wrong order, you go get neither.

When to bring in more help

Sometimes di wall too high to climb by yourself, and dat one no be failure on anybody part. If di same shut-down cycle keep dey repeat no matter wetin una two try, if dem dey use di silence to control or punish, or if you dey start to feel small, anxious, or unsafe for your own house, those na signs to reach for support. Couples therapist fit help una build di timeout-and-return habit and reach wetin dey under di flooding. If any fear dey for your safety, talk to professional or domestic violence resource by yourself, privately, before anything else.

To go quiet under pressure na human thing. Most of us dey do am. Di door wey dem slam for hard moment fit almost always open again, gently, from di two sides, once di bodies behind am don get chance to settle.

Sources

• The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling
• The Gottman Institute, Stonewalling vs. The Silent Treatment: Are They the Same?
• Papp, Kouros & Cummings, Demand-Withdraw Patterns in Marital Conflict in the Home (Personal Relationships)
• Psychology Today, What Is Stonewalling and Why Does It Damage Relationships?