The Difference Between Problem Wey You Fit Solve and Problem Wey No Dey Ever Finish

Most couples get one fight wey dem don fight hundred times. E dey wear different cloth each time. One week na the plates, the next na text wey person no reply, the next na how una spend one Saturday. But under am, na the same argument, and una two sabi am the moment e start, because una fit feel the old familiar dread arrive before either of una finish the first sentence.

If that one sound like you, see something wey worth to hear early: e get good chance say that particular fight go never solve. No be because you dey with wrong person. No be because one of una dey do difficult. Na because some disagreement no dey designed to solve at all. Dem suppose dey managed, gently, for long time.

That idea dey come from the relationship researcher John Gottman, wey spend decades to dey watch real couples dey argue for lab come dey track which ones last. One of im findings wey e dey repeat pass dey striking. Around 69 percent of the things wey couples dey fight about na wetin e dey call perpetual problems, the kind wey no dey ever fully go away. Na only the smaller share you fit actually solve. Most of us, nobody ever tell us this, so we dey treat every fight wey dey repeat as failure. E no be. Na the math of two people wey dey share one life.

Two very different kinds of trouble

The first step comot from argument wey don stuck na to figure out which kind argument e actually be. Two dey, and dem dey ask completely different things from you.

A problem wey you fit solve na about situation. E get shape wey una two fit see, and somewhere inside am one workable answer dey. Who go book the dentist. How loud the TV go dey after ten. Whether your mama go stay three nights or five. This kind problem fit feel hot for the moment, but the heat dey on the surface. Once una land on plan wey una two fit manage, the issue more or less stay solved. E fit come up again, but e no dey reopen the same old wound every time.

A problem wey no dey finish different all the way down. E dey grow out of who una two be: lasting differences for personality, for temperament, for wetin each of una need to feel safe and at home. One of una dey crave spontaneity and the other one need plan. One dey warm and social, the other dey recover for quiet. One dey spend to enjoy life now, the other dey save to feel secure later. None of those na flaw. Na just real, durable differences between two nervous systems, and no amount of argument fit file dem down. You fit talk about the spending for thirty years and una go still be, at bottom, a spender and a saver.

Gottman research find say this perpetual issues dey show for every couple, the happy ones included. The difference between the couples wey dey thrive and the couples wey no dey thrive no be whether dem get this problems. Everybody get. Na how dem take carry dem.

Why to try 'win' dey make am worse

When you mistake problem wey no dey finish for one wey you fit solve, you dey keep reach for finish line wey no dey exist. Each talk dey become another attempt to finally settle am, to make your partner admit say you correct and make dem change. And because the difference real and e no dey go anywhere, every attempt dey fail. The failure dey sting, so next time you dey come in small harder, small more armored.

That slow hardening get name for Gottman work: gridlock. Conflict wey don gridlock get one particular feel. You dey talk and talk and reach nowhere. You start to feel rejected by the person wey you love pass. The topic stop to be topic come start to be sore spot, wey charge so tey you dey brace yourself before you even raise am. As time dey go, the warmth dey leak out. You stop to bring humor to am, stop to bring curiosity, and una two dey dig further into una corner. If you leave am alone long enough, gridlock no just dey sour the one issue. E dey slowly cool the whole relationship as una two quietly give up on being understood.

The escape no be better solution. Na better conversation. Gottman phrase for the goal na to move "from gridlock to dialogue," and the aim of that dialogue dey almost shockingly modest. You no dey try to agree. You dey try to talk about the thing without hurting each other, and to understand wetin e really mean to the person wey dey your front.

Wetin usually dey under am

The spending argument rarely be about money. The lateness argument rarely be about the clock. Perpetual fights dey tend to sit on top of something tender, a hope or a fear or a need wey matter deeply to one of una and wey the other one never fully see yet.

One writer wey cover this research for Psychology Today put am plain: couples dey argue about the visible thing, the chores or the calendar, but those surface topics usually dey mask deeper need under am. One person dey feel say dem dey squeeze im freedom. The other dey feel alone, like say dem no quite matter. When you only dey fight about the surface, you dey keep miss each other, because the real thing was never on the table.

So the more useful question for fight wey dey repeat no be "how we go settle this." E quiet pass that. Why this thing matter so much to you? Wetin you dey fear go happen if e go the other way? Wetin this thing remind you of, when you dey grow up? Under the saver, often na pikin wey watch im family dey scramble for money. Under the spender, often na person wey learn say joy fragile and e better make you take am while e still dey here. Neither one wrong. Na two reasonable people wey dey protect two real things.

How to handle the fight wey you go keep fight

You no go fit make problem wey no dey finish disappear. You fit make am far less painful to live with. Few things genuinely dey help.

1. Call am for wetin e be, out loud, together. Relief dey inside to just talk say, "I no think say we go solve this one, and I no think say we suppose." To call fight as one wey no dey finish dey remove some of the panic from am. You stop to treat each round as crisis come start to treat am as familiar weather.
2. Get curious before you get persuasive. Next time e surface, resist the pull to convince. Ask one real question about why e matter to dem, and actually listen to the answer instead of loading your reply. You dey collect information about the person wey you love, no be to build case.
3. Soothe your own body first. This kind talk dey spike the nervous system fast. If your heart dey pound and your thoughts don go narrow and mean, you don lose access to your best self, and nothing good dey decided from there. E dey fine to talk, "I want keep dey talk about this, I just need twenty minutes to settle down." Then actually settle, and come back.
4. Look for the small overlap. You no need full agreement. You need workable middle wey respect wetin each of una no fit give up. Figure out the one part wey you truly no fit bend on, name the parts where you get room, and build temporary arrangement around that. Then revisit am. Problem wey no dey finish dey get renegotiated over a lifetime, no be say you solve am once.
5. Keep affection for the room. Small warmth dey change the whole exchange. Hand on the arm, small shared humor about how predictable this fight don become, a reminder say una dey the same team even while una dey disagree. Couples wey dey manage this issues well na the ones wey fit talk about the hard thing without losing the tenderness.

Let yourself move small

One more piece dey wey quietly dey hold all of this together, and Gottman give am plain name: accepting influence. E mean to stay genuinely open to your partner point of view, willing to make wetin dem tell you change you small, even on the issues where you go never fully agree. Na the difference between listening to find the flaw for wetin dem dey talk and listening to actually take some of am in.

This one sound soft, and e be the opposite of dramatic. But e dey carry weight. When you let your partner perspective shift you even small, the whole tone of the fight wey dey repeat dey change. Dem stop to feel like say dem dey talk to wall, wey mean say dem no need escalate before dem hear dem, wey mean say you no need defend. The fight dey get smaller. You still be saver and spender. Una just be two people wey each dey make room for the other person truth, instead of two people wey each dey wait for the other to finally surrender.

Accepting influence na practice too wey you fit build. The next time the old argument start, try to find the one thing for wetin your partner dey talk wey you fit honestly agree with, and talk am before you talk anything else. "You correct say I dey sharp about this." "That one fair, I don dey distant." Small concession, wey you offer first, dey tend to soften the whole talk for way wey no clever rebuttal go ever do.

None of this mean say every difference workable, and e no mean say you suppose accept say dem dey treat you bad. Contempt, control, and wickedness no be perpetual problems wey you suppose manage. Na reasons to get help or to reconsider the relationship. The framework here na for two people wey get basic goodwill wey dey keep snag on the same honest difference.

When e worth to bring help come in

Sometimes fight don gridlock so long tey you no fit find your way back to real talk on your own. The topic radioactive, every attempt dey end for the same wall, and you don start to feel like roommates wey just happen to dey sad. That no be verdict on the relationship. Na sign say the issue don harden pass the point where una two fit soften am without hand.

Good couples therapist dey do exactly this kind work, dey help you take the sting comot from stuck issue so you fit talk again. If your own mood na part of wetin dey make conflict hard so, if you dey carry anxiety, depression, or old wounds wey dey flare up for this moments, to talk with doctor or therapist on your own worth am too. And if relationship ever leave you dey feel frightened or unsafe, that one move well pass ordinary conflict, and to reach out to professional or support line na the kind thing to do for yourself.

The couples wey dey go the distance no be the ones wey find partner wey no get friction. Na the ones wey learn to argue about the same old thing with small more gentleness each decade. You fit love person and still get fight wey no dey ever end. Most people wey love each other get.

Wia We Take Am From

• The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
• The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Recognizing Gridlock
• Psychology Today, Why 69 Percent of Couples' Conflict Will Never Go Away