Quick tips
- Slow your breathe-out before you talk.
- Talk say you wan take break, den keep am.
- Own di snap, no 'but' attach.
One particular kind of quiet dey wey dey come after you don blow up. Di room still. Di oda person don dey careful, or don comot. And you dey stand dia dey replay di last sixty seconds, dey wonder how one wrong comment about plate turn to you dey raise your voice over sometin wey, even to you, no be big tin again.
If you sabi dat quiet, you no be bad person. You be person wey im alarm system dey fire fast and hard, and wey den go get to live inside di mess wey e leave. Dat one na real tin, and e fit work. No be by to become calmer person overnight, wey nobody dey manage, but by to learn wetin your fuse really be and to get few seconds of room before e light.
Wetin Quick Temper Really Be
Vex imsef normal. E dey run from small irritation all di way go full fury, and on im own e no be di problem. Di American Psychological Association describe am as ordinary human emotion, complete with faster heart, higher blood pressure, and surge of stress hormones. Everybody dey vex. Di question for people wey get quick temper na how fast dem dey go from zero to flooded, and how small tin e dey take.
Na dis dey happen under. Deep inside your brain, one small structure dey wey dem dey call amygdala, wey Cleveland Clinic describe as your built-in alarm. Im work na to scan for threat and react before your tinking brain even finish to form sentence. Wen e decide say sometin dangerous, e fit basically take di wheel, dey flood your body with adrenaline and dey quiet di slower, wiser part of your brain wey for normally talk say wait, hold on, na just plate dis. People dey sometimes call dat one amygdala hijack. Na di reason why one reaction fit feel completely automatic and, few minutes later, completely out of proportion.
Quick temper usually mean say dat alarm dey set to go off easy. Dat one fit come from your natural temperament, from tiredness, from long-lasting stress, from history wia to stay on high alert once keep you safe. None of dem no make you broken. Dem make you person wey im system need small more help to slow down before e act.
Di Window Small Pass Wetin You Tink
Di hard truth about to overreact na say by di time wey you notice say you don vex, you don often already pass di point wia logic dey help. Once you don flooded, di slow part of your brain don off. To tell person wey don flooded make dem dey reasonable na like to ask person to read map during fire alarm.
Na why di real work dey happen earlier, for di body. Di psychologist John Gottman, wey spend plenty years dey study how couples dey fight, find say flooding na physical tin. Wen di quarrel overwhelm you, your heart dey speed up and your body dey brace, and e dey take real time before dat one go drain comot. Gottman point out say di stress chemistry behind am need like twenty minutes or more to clear from your system. Dat one no be mood. Na chemistry, and you no fit argue am comot faster.
So di most useful skill no be better comeback. Na to catch di early signal and buy yourself dat time.
Catch Am For Di Body First
Your vex almost always dey show for your body one beat before e show for your mouth. Learn your own version of di warning. For plenty people na some mix of:
- jaw wey dey lock or face wey dey hot
- chest wey dey tight, breath wey dey shallow and quick
- voice wey dey jump up, or di urge to interrupt
- dat narrow, tunnel-vision feeling wia you suddenly dey see only wetin dey wrong
Dat tins no be sign say you wan win di argument. Na sign say your alarm don trip. Treat dem like dashboard light. Di moment wey you notice one, you don find di only real opening wey you go get.
Wetin To Really Do For Dat Moment
1. Name Am To Yourself
One quiet internal note dey work: "I dey get flooded." To just label am dey pull small blood back toward your tinking brain and dey break di autopilot.
2. Slow Your Breathe-Out
You no fit reason your way calm, but you fit breathe your way down small. Few slow breath with long, unhurried breathe-out dey tell your body say di threat dey pass. Di APA list deep breathing as one of di most reliable ways to bring vex intensity down.
3. Take Real Break, Di Correct Way
If you fit feel yourself dey go over di edge, step away. Di trick na how you do am. No storm comot, and no disappear without word, becos to di oda person dat one land as punishment. Talk sometin first: "I don too work up to do dis well right now. I need twenty minutes, den I wan come back to am." Den really go. Waka, splash water for your face, do sometin wey no be to rehearse your case. Gottman dey call dis one physiological self-soothing, and di twenty minutes matter becos na roughly how long your body need to settle.
Di promise to come back no be optional. Break na pause, no be exit. E only dey build trust if you keep your word and return.
4. Come Back And Try Again
Wen you don settle, talk di tin wey you really mean, di way wey you for wish say you talk am. Calmer, slower, about your own need instead of dia failings.
Na Di Repair Be Di Part Wey Count
Na dis be di most freeing tin for all of dis. You go still overreact sometimes. Even people wey dey work on dis one for years still dey snap. Wetin dey separate relationship wey dey survive quarrel from di ones wey dey slowly rot no be whether di break dey happen. Na whether dem dey repair am.
Gottman research find say wetin dey protect relationship na di repair attempt, any gesture wey dey stop bad moment from dey spiral, and di willingness to accept one wen dem offer am. After you don overreact, di repair na usually some version of to take honest ownership. No be long apology wey secretly na about say you wan feel better. Sometin clean:
"I snap for you and dat one no fair. You no deserve am. I sorry."
No "but." No dey explain why dem make you do am. Di repair dey land wen e dey about your behavior, finish. You fit talk about di original issue afterwards, once di air clear. People dey remarkably forgive person wey dey own dia overreaction, and dey remarkably tire for person wey never dey do am.
If dis one na pattern, e good to name am openly with di people closest to you wen tins calm. To tell your partner or your pikin, "I dey work on my reactions, and wen I take break na so I no go talk sometin wey I go regret," dey turn your fuse from tin wey dey happen to dem into tin wey una dey handle together.
Wen To Dey Work On Am No Reach
One line dey wey good to dey honest about. If your vex don cost you work, don frighten person wey you love, don lead to anytin physical, or if you keep dey promise yourself say you go do better and keep dey land for di same mess, dat one don pass wetin breathing exercise fit hold. Dat one no be weakness, and to reach for help no be to admit defeat. Di APA note say people wey get serious anger problem fit make real progress with professional, often within some weeks.
Doctor or therapist fit also check for tins wey dey quietly turn up di heat under your fuse, sleep wey don damage, anxiety or depression wey dem never treat, trauma, di slow burn of long-lasting stress. Sometimes di vex dey ease well once di tin wey dey feed am get name.
To want to stop to dey hurt di people wey you care about na good instinct. Na di whole reason wey you feel bad for dat quiet room. Trust dat feeling, and give yourself sometin better to do with am pass to blame yourself. Di next time wey di alarm go off, you go get few seconds wey you no get before. Sometimes few seconds na everytin.
Wia Dis Info Come From
- American Psychological Association, Control anger before it controls you
- Cleveland Clinic, Amygdala
- The Gottman Institute, Physiological Self-Soothing
- The Gottman Institute, How Well Do You Repair Your Relationship?