Quick tips
- Look up when dem talk something small.
- Greet and say goodbye with real hug.
- Circle back when you snap.
Your partner look up from dem phone come talk, "Huh. Dem dey tear down di old diner for Fifth." You dey halfway inside one email. You fit just grunt without to look up. You fit talk "na shame, make we drive pass am before e comot." Or you fit sigh come talk say you dey try concentrate.
Three small choices. None of dem feel like big deal. Na exactly di point. Moments like dis one dey happen plenty times for one day, and di way wey you dey answer dem, over months and years, dey quietly decide how close di two of una go stay.
Di researchers John and Julie Gottman give dis small moment name. Dem dey call am bid for connection. Bid na any small move wey person dey make to get your attention, your affection, or just small acknowledgment. "Look dis dog." "You sleep well?" Hand wey rest on your shoulder as dem waka pass. None of am dey announce itself as important. Na why e dey so easy to miss.
Wetin bid actually be
Most of us dey think of connection as di deep conversation, di anniversary, di moment wey one person finally talk di hard thing out loud. Those ones matter. But dem rare. Di connection wey actually dey hold relationship together na much smaller thing, wey you dey repeat constantly.
Di Gottmans, wey don study couples for plenty years for one Seattle lab wey dem nickname di Love Lab, dey call di bid "di fundamental unit of emotional communication." For one observation period for dinner, di couples wey dey do well make something like one hundred bids for ten minutes. Dem dey reach for each other almost without pause.
Bid fit be question, comment, touch, look, half-finished thought wey person just throw into di air. Some clear ("we fit talk?"). Most no dey clear. Plenty bids dey clumsy, indirect, or badly timed. Person wey dey lonely fit pick small fight instead of to talk "I dey miss you." Under plenty friction wey go surprise you na bid wey no land.
Towards, away, against
When bid arrive, you dey do one of three things. Di Gottmans name dis ones too.
You fit turn towards am. You answer. "Oh wow, look dat one." You no need to drop everything or get di perfect reply. Nod, question back, quick "tell me more" all dey count. You dey talk say: I hear you, I dey here.
You fit turn away from am. No be say na bad mind, usually. You dey busy, distracted, on your phone, deep inside your own head. You no notice, or you notice come let am slide. Di bid just evaporate. Di person wey make am no dey often make scene about am. Dem just feel, small, like say dem reach out come meet air.
Or you fit turn against am. Na dis be di sharp one. "You no see say I dey work?" "Why you dey tell me dis one?" Na response wey get edge, and e dey sting pass silence because e carry rejection.
Na here di finding wey suppose make all of us sit up. When di Gottmans follow newlyweds over six years, di couples wey still dey together been dey turn towards each other bids about 86 percent of di time. Di couples wey don divorce manage am only 33 percent of di time. Di difference between marriage wey last and one wey fall apart no be di size of di fights. Na how often, for ordinary moments, each person answer di other one small reach.
Di slow math of am
Di Gottmans dey use plain metaphor for wetin dey happen under: emotional bank account. Every time you turn towards bid, you dey make small deposit. Turn away, and di account dey flatten. Turn against, and you dey make withdrawal.
No single deposit dey change much. Na di thing wey easy to get wrong. You no dey repair strained relationship with one grand gesture, and you no dey wreck strong one because you cut somebody short on bad afternoon. Na di running total dey matter, wey build up over thousands of tiny exchanges. Couple wey get full account fit weather rough patch, because deep store of goodwill dey to draw on. Couple wey dey run on empty dey feel every slight, because nothing dey for reserve.
Di quiet good news for dis na how low di bar be. Dem no dey ask you to be better communicator for some heroic way. Dem dey ask you to look up. To answer di small thing. Again and again. Di Gottmans own motto for am almost dey comically modest: "small things often."
How to catch di bids wey you don dey miss
If you suspect say you don dey turn away without to mean am, na here small things wey worth to try. Pick one. No try to overhaul everything at once.
- Assume say bid dey hide inside. When your person talk something small or random, treat am as invitation instead of status update. "Dem dey tear down di diner" usually no be about di diner. Na open hand. Take am.
- Lower di bar for your own response. You no owe full conversation every time. Genuine "oh really?", eye contact, follow-up question, dis ones na complete answers. Tiny turns towards dey count just as much as big ones.
- Notice your phone. Na for screen most modern bids dey quietly die. You no need to ban devices. Just learn to feel di pull of bid strong enough to look up from one.
- Mind di entrances and exits. Di Gottmans put real weight on di small rituals around leaving and reuniting, di goodbye, di hello at di end of di day. Six-second hug or kiss, actual "how e be?" at di door, dis ones na reliable small deposits. Build one and let am become automatic.
- Repair when you turn against. You go snap sometimes. Everybody dey do am. Wetin dey help na to circle back: "Sorry, I been sharp with you earlier, you just dey try talk to me." Repair dey turn withdrawal back into deposit, and e dey teach di two of una say one missed moment no be di end of anything.
Dis no be only for romantic partners o. Pikin dey bid for connection constantly, and friends, parents, and di people wey you dey work with too dey do am. Di same small move, to look up and answer, dey build closeness anywhere people dey reach for each other.
When di miss go deeper
Sometimes di problem no be few missed bids. Sometimes one or di two people don stop to bid at all, because to reach out don stop to feel safe or worth am. Dat quiet, settled distance, where di two of una don go flat and give up trying, dey harder to fix from inside, and e worth to take serious instead of to wait am out.
If di warmth between una don drain comot, if conversation don turn to contempt or stonewalling, or if you just no fit find your way back to each other no matter how many small things you try, good couples therapist fit help. To reach for dat kind of support no be sign say di relationship don fail. Na real bid for connection on im own. And if any relationship for your life involve fear, control, or harm, dat no be closeness problem wey you go patch with small gesture, na safety issue, and you deserve help wey dem build for am.
But most relationship no spoil. Dem just dey small starved of attention. Di repair dey closer than e look. Na di next small thing wey your person go talk, and whether you go look up.
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- The Gottman Institute, Small Actions Make Big Impacts
- The Gottman Institute, The Six Second Kiss
- Greater Good Magazine (UC Berkeley), Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship