From Small Talk to Real Talk: How to Go Deep With Di People Wey You Love

Imagine dinner with person wey you don know since. Papa or mama, partner, old friend. Di food sweet, di gist easy, and somewhere around di second hour you go realize say una don talk about weather, traffic, news, dem work, your work, and absolutely nothing wey matter. You drive go house full but small empty for inside. Una dey together for three hours and you never really arrive.

Dat gap dey more common pass how people dey admit. We fit love person deeply and still keep most of our gist for di shallow side, partly na habit, partly na fear, partly because nobody ever teach us how to go inside deep water. Di good news be say di move from small talk to real talk no be personality gift wey some people born with. E dey follow one pattern wey researchers don study for decades, and once you fit see di pattern, you fit use am on purpose.

Why we dey stuck for di shallow side

Small talk dey get bad name, but e dey do real work. Na di warm-up. E dey show say you dey friendly, e dey let two people sync, and e no get risk, nobody dey hurt from talking about weather. Di wahala be say plenty relationship no dey ever graduate pass am. Di warm-up go turn to di whole game.

Psychologists wey dey study how people dey grow close describe di process as moving along two lines for di same time. One na breadth, di number of different topics wey you go touch with person. Di other one na depth, how far below di surface you go go on any of dem. Coworker fit get breadth, una go gist about projects, weekend plans, di new place down di street, but very little depth. Relationship dey deepen when di conversation stop to only dey widen and start to dey go down: from wetin you do to how you feel about am, from your opinion to your fear, from di things wey happen for your day to wetin you really want from your life. Dat framework, wey dem dey call social penetration theory, don be backbone of relationship research since 1970s, and di main idea simple. Na by going deep, small small and together, dem dey build closeness.

Di "together" part matter as much as di depth. Healthy opening up na give-and-take. One person go share something wey soft small, di other one go meet am with him own, and di trust go climb small small. When e dey one-sided, when one person dey pour everything and di other one dey dodge, e no dey build closeness. E dey build discomfort.

So if your gist feel like say e stuck for di surface, most times no be say you no care. Na because nobody take di small risk to go first.

Wetin dey really hold you for up there

E dey help to name di fear honestly, because almost always na fear of some kind. Some of di usual suspects:

Di worry dey there say you go be too much. Say if you talk wetin dey really happen, you go burden di other person, or you go look like person wey too need attention, or you go make things awkward. Most people dey carry one version of dis, and most times e dey wrong. Di thing wey you fear say e go push people comot na usually di thing wey dey pull dem come near, because e dey tell dem say you trust dem.

Di fear dey there say dem go see you and dem no go like you. As long as relationship stay for di surface, nobody fit reject di real you, because di real you never show face. To stay shallow fit feel like protection. Na di kind protection wey dey also keep you small lonely.

And plain habit dey too. Some family and some friendship just never develop di muscle. You dey talk about logistics and other people and news because na dat groove di relationship don run inside for years. Dem fit change di groove, but na only if somebody deliberately steer comot from am.

None of dis na character flaw. Na protective instinct wey make sense for some point. Di work no be to shame yasef comot from dem. Na to notice di instinct and, once in a while, choose to go one step pass am anyhow.

Di thing wey really dey build closeness

Na one of di most quietly hopeful findings for relationship science be dis. For di 1990s, di psychologist Arthur Aron and him colleagues bring pairs of strangers enter lab and make dem ask each other set of 36 questions wey start light and steadily turn more personal. Di early ones easy ("You go like to be famous? For which way?"). Di later ones cut deep pass ("Di last time wey you cry in front of another person na when?"). If you compare am with pairs wey spend di same time on small talk, di people wey work through di deeper questions comot dey feel dramatically closer. One pair from dat work eventually marry.

You no need worksheet of 36 questions, even though dem easy to find and to try dem sweet true true. Di lesson wey dey under di study na di part wey worth to keep. No be grand gesture or years of history create di closeness. Na escalating, mutual honesty create am, two people dey take turn go small further pass how e comfortable, around di same pace. Di structure matter too: e start easy and e build. Dem no ask anybody to open him full soul for di first five minutes.

Na di whole recipe be dat, really. Go small deeper pass usual. Let di other person match you. No rush am.

How to carry di conversation one layer down

Real talk no dey often announce itself. Usually e dey start with one question wey brave small pass, or one answer wey honest small pass wetin di moment demand. Some ways to enter:

• Change "how your day go" to something wey get edge. "Wetin be di best part of your day?" or "Wetin don dey weigh you down lately?" dey ask for real answer instead of reflex. Di question dey give di other person permission to talk something true.
• Go first, and go small vulnerable. If you want depth, usually na you go spend di first coin. To say "honestly, I don dey kind of lonely dis month" dey give di other person something real to meet. People dey tend to match di level wey you set.
• Follow di feeling, no be just di facts. When somebody tell you wetin happen, ask how e land. "How e take feel?" or "Wetin dey your head dat time?" dey turn report into conversation. Most people dey wait make somebody ask.
• Ask di second question. Di first answer almost always na di polite, rehearsed one. Di real answer dey live one question further inside. "You talk say e dey fine, but how you really dey with am?" na wia plenty closeness dey hide.
• Make am safe to talk true by how you react. If somebody tell you something tender and you change di subject, rush to fix am, or one-up am, dem go learn not to go there again. Di most connecting response na usually di simplest: "Dat one sound hard. Tell me more."

None of dis need heavy mood or serious occasion. Some of di deepest conversation dey happen inside car, for waka, while you dey wash plate, anywhere wey eye contact na optional and no pressure to perform. Side by side dey sometimes easier pass face to face.

When somebody open up to you

To go deep na two-way street, and half of am na wetin you go do when di other person take di risk. Na here plenty people wey mean well dey accidentally slam di door. Somebody tell you say dem dey struggle, and di urge to help go kick in, so you go reach for solution, or silver lining, or story about di time wey something similar happen to you. E dey feel like care. But e dey often land like say you cut dem off.

When somebody share something tender, di most connecting thing wey you fit do na usually di one wey get di least action. Let am land. No rush to fix am. Di research on wetin dey make people feel close point di same direction wey di best listeners don already sabi: people want to feel understood before dem want advice.

Few things wey dey keep di door open:

• Reflect back wetin you hear before you respond. "E be like say you don dey carry dis one by yourself for a while" dey tell somebody say dem reach you. Di American Psychological Association point to dis exact kind of listening, to take in your partner point of view and dem feelings, as one of di markers of relationship wey dey last.
• Resist di fix. Unless dem ask for advice, dem probably want witness, no be consultant. "Dat one sound really hard" dey do more pass ten suggestion.
• No make am be about you. Small "me too" fit build connection, but if every disclosure turn to your own story, di other person go quietly learn say di floor no be dem own.
• Stay warm even if e heavy. Your calm, unhurried attention dey tell dem say di relationship fit hold real things. Na di whole point be dat, you dey prove say di deep water safe.

How you receive somebody honesty dey teach dem whether to bring you more of am. Get dis part right and people go open up to you for di rest of your life.

No skip di good news

One quieter form of real talk dey wey people dey overlook, and e fit be di easiest place to start. We dey tend to think say na for di hard moments dem dey build intimacy, when you dey comfort somebody wey dey grieve or dey fear. Dat one true. But research by di psychologist Shelly Gable find say how you respond when somebody share good news matter just as much for di health of relationship, sometimes e matter more.

When your partner or friend tell you say something go well, you get four ways to respond. You fit dey genuinely excited and curious ("Dat one amazing, tell me everything"). You fit dey lukewarm ("Oh, nice"). You fit find di cloud inside di silver lining ("Well, na more work for you now be dat"). Or you fit barely raise your eye. Na only di first one, di warm, interested one, dey really build di bond. For Gable studies, couples wey dey reliably celebrate each other wins report more intimacy and satisfaction, and dem no too dey break up for di months wey follow. To show up for somebody joy turn out to be one of di most underrated ways to get close.

So if big vulnerable conversation feel like too much today, start from here. Next time wey person wey you love tell you small good thing, drop your phone and ask dem real question about am. Dat one na real talk too.

When e no open up

To go deep need two people, and sometimes di other person no ready, or dem no fit. If you keep reaching and you consistently dey get deflection, dat one worth to respect pass to force am. Some people learn long time ago say vulnerability no safe, and dat one dey slow to undo. You fit keep di door open without to push anybody through am.

E worth too to talk true to yasef about why di shallow side dey feel safer. If di idea say people go know you dey tighten your chest, if you dey find yasef dey steer away from closeness even with people wey you trust, if old wound dey make opening up feel genuinely dangerous, dose na tender things, and na exactly di kind thing wey worth to carry go therapist or counselor. To want connection and to find am terrifying for di same time na one of di most human knots wey dey, and na one wey good professional fit help you loose.

Most relationship no need fixing as much as dem need deepening. Di next real conversation na usually one honest sentence away. Na just you go be di one wey talk am first.

Wia we take am from

• American Psychological Association, Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
• Greater Good in Action (UC Berkeley), 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness
• Greater Good in Action (UC Berkeley), Capitalizing on Positive Events
• EBSCO Research Starters, Self-disclosure