Attachment Styles: Plain Guide to How You Dey Love

Imagine di first few weeks wey you just meet person. E take dem some hours before dem reply your message, and you go feel am for your belle. Maybe you go read di last message four times, dey find any sign say something don change. Or maybe na di opposite thing dey pull you: everything dey go well, almost too well, and one quiet part of you just wan cancel di next date make you breathe.

Any of dis two reaction no mean say something dey wrong with you. Na old wiring wey just dey do di exact thing wey e learn to do. Psychologists dey call dat wiring your attachment style, and once you fit see your own, plenty confusing moment for relationship go stop to look like say na by chance.

Dis one na map, no be judgement. Read am softly.

Where dis idea come from

Di research go far back to one British psychiatrist wey dem call John Bowlby for di 1950s, wey notice how di bond wey small pikin get with di person wey dey care for am dey shape am well well. One developmental psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, come build careful experiment around am. She watch how babies dey react when parent comot for di room small time come back, and she see clear pattern wey dey repeat for who dem dey reach for and how dem dey calm down. Na dat pattern come be di foundation of attachment theory.

Many years later, researchers come ask one question wey clear. If baby fit learn whether closeness dey safe, dat lesson go follow am reach adult love? Di work wey Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver do for di late 1980s show say e dey follow. Di way you bond as small person, tey before you fit even name am, dey show for how you dey bond with your partner now.

Dis na di soft version of di science. As pikin, you run experiment thousands of times without knowing. You need something, you reach out, and you learn wetin come back. When comfort dey come reliably, you learn say di world dey safe most times and say person fit lean on people. When e dey come and go, or e no dey come at all, you learn to manage. Dat kind managing na sense. E keep you close to di care wey you fit get. Na just say e no dey always help you at thirty-five for third date.

Di four styles, for plain talk

Most explanation dey settle on four patterns. Almost nobody na pure one type, and you fit lean one way with one partner and another way with another person. Read dis ones make you feel small recognition, no be to lock yourself inside box.

Secure

If you be secure most times, closeness no dey fear you and space too no dey fear you. You fit talk wetin you need without long argument for inside your head. When your partner vex or dey down, you fit stay with dem instead of to dey fix am or run comot. Quarrel no dey feel like end of di world. Deep down, you believe say you worth make person stay for, so you no dey always dey audition or dey ready for di person to comot.

Na dis pattern dey make relationship easier. E dey common pass wetin di internet dey sometimes talk, and, wetin matter be say, you fit grow am.

Anxious

Anxious attachment na di part of you wey dey want reassurance but e hard for am to trust am once e reach. For early days, closeness fit sweet you but e go dey do you somehow, like say your body no settle. Slow reply go land like threat. You fit find yourself dey give too much, dey over-explain, dey replay conversation dey find di thing wey you do wrong.

Under am na quiet fear say dem go leave you, wey plenty times dey come from care wey dey hot and cold. Di Cleveland Clinic connect dis style to caregiving wey no dey consistent, where comfort dey real but you no fit predict am, so pikin learn to dey always on guard. If na you be dis, di wicked twist be say di behaviour wey suppose pull partner closer (di double-texting, di testing, di need for proof) na dem dey most likely push steady person comot.

Avoidant

Avoidant attachment dey look like strong independence, and from inside e dey plenty times feel like relief. You value to depend on yourself. When person want more closeness, you go feel small urge to draw back, to find fault, to remember everything wey you go lose. E fit hard for you to name your feelings, or to believe say people really wan hear dem.

Dis one usually grow from care wey meet di practical needs but no show for di emotional ones. Di lesson wey pikin take from dat one make sense: needs na burden, so manage dem by yourself. As adult, e fit look like say you cool and capable. But e fit also make your partner feel say dem lock am outside one room wey e dey see but e no fit ever enter.

Disorganized, or fearful-avoidant

Di fourth pattern na di push-and-pull one. You want closeness well well and you fear am di same amount, so you fit chase person hard come panic when dem finally come. Closeness and fear come tangle together. Dis style plenty times connect to early environment wey dey frightening or scatter-scatter, where di person wey you need for safety na im also be di source of fear. Na di heaviest of di four, and na di one where working with good therapist dey matter pass.

Wetin dis one no be

Small honest warning, because attachment talk don go viral and di internet don dey use am anyhow.

Dis styles no be horoscope, and dem no be insult wey you go throw for fight. "You're so avoidant" no dey often be loving sentence. Dem no be fixed identity too. Nothing spoil for you if you turn out anxious or avoidant. You adapt to wetin you get, and to adapt na sign say your nervous system dey work, no be say e dey fail.

And label no be diagnosis. If your patterns tie to real trauma, or dem dey make you miserable for every relationship, dat na reason to bring professional, no be to diagnose yourself from article come say di matter don settle.

When two styles clash

Styles no dey just live inside one person. Dem dey meet, and some matching dey famous for how rough dem be.

Di one wey dey break heart pass na anxious and avoidant. Think about wetin each one need. Closeness and reassurance dey calm di anxious partner. Space and self-reliance dey calm di avoidant partner. So di same thing wey dey calm one of dem dey trigger alarm for di other one. When di anxious partner sense distance, e dey move in. Di closer e move, na so di avoidant partner need air pass, and na so e dey draw back. Di drawing back go look like abandonment, wey go raise di anxiety higher, wey go send am dey chase harder. Na so e dey go round and round.

Wetin make dis one hard to comot na say e fit feel like passion. Di high dey high, di reunion dey intense, and di way you almost dey lose am every time fit disguise as deep love. Most times no be love dey do dat one. Na two nervous systems dey press each other oldest buttons.

If you recognize your relationship for here, di first move no be to put blame. Na to call di dance out loud, together. "I think say when fear catch me I dey chase, and dat dey make you want space, and den I go fear more." When you name di loop, e go turn am from fight about whose fault e be into problem wey di two of una fit look together side by side. Dat one alone fit take some of di heat comot. For plenty couples, na exactly here couples therapist dey earn im money.

How di patterns dey show while you dey date

Na for early dating dis styles dey announce demself, if you sabi wetin to dey watch. No be to dey scout for red flags for another person, but to understand di energy for di room, including your own.

Notice di pace. Rush to instant intensity, di whirlwind wey wan merge by week two, fit be anxious pull. Pattern of warmth wey sudden cooling dey follow, of getting close come dey vague, fit be avoidance dey work. Notice your own body too. If person wey nice well well dey make you bored, ask yourself whether "boring" fit really mean "calm." If person wey no available dey make you obsessed, ask whether di spark na chemistry or na just your alarm system dey light up.

None of dis dey tell you to comot. People dey grow, and two willing partners fit build security. E just dey give you clearer understanding pass "I no know, e complicated."

Di part wey change everything: you no stuck

Dis na di news wey you suppose hold tight. Attachment style na pattern, and pattern fit change. Researchers dey describe something wey dem often call earned security: people wey start as insecure fit become more secure as time dey go. Di Cleveland Clinic talk am plain, say to change your attachment style dey possible, and e dey start with self-awareness.

Di how too dey encourage. One research review wey Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver do describe how steady, responsive interaction, di kind wey reliable partner or good therapist dey give, fit gradually make insecure person feel say dem really dey care for am, and as time dey go dat experience fit soften old defence towards something more secure. You no dey reason your way reach security. You dey reach am through enough repeated, lived proof say closeness dey safe.

Dat proof fit come from partner. E fit come from friendship. E fit come from therapist wey im consistency, week after week, dey slowly rewrite di old expectation.

Working with your pattern

You no fit think your wiring comot, but you fit work with am on purpose. Small starting points, depending on where you dey lean.

• Name di pattern for di moment. When you feel di spiral or di urge to run, try label am quietly: "dis na my anxious part," or "dis na di part wey wan run." Dat small gap between feeling and reacting na where you dey get choice back.
• If you dey lean anxious, practice to tolerate small uncertainty before you act. Late reply na info about dem day, no be judgement on your worth. Calm yourself first, den decide whether to reach out.
• If you dey lean avoidant, treat closeness like something wey you dey build tolerance for small small. Share one real feeling. Stay for one conversation wey uncomfortable small instead of finding di door. Notice say you survive am.
• Talk wetin you need, with words. Most insecure patterns dey run on guessing and testing. Plain request ("I go like make you send me quick message when you land") dey give partner real chance to show up, and dey give you real info about whether dem fit.
• Find, and value, secure people. Di pull towards chaotic chemistry strong, especially if calm feel foreign as you dey grow up. Steady fit feel boring at first. Sometimes steady na just safe.

Take am slow with all of dis. You no dey try become different person by Friday. You dey try add small seconds of choice for where na only reflex dey before.

When to bring help

Self-awareness go carry you far. But e no go carry you reach everywhere. If your patterns keep dey scatter relationships wey you care about, if closeness dey reliably trigger panic, or if any of dis tangle with trauma, abuse, or fear wey get roots wey deep pass dating, abeg talk to licensed therapist. Attachment work na one of di things wey therapy dey really do well, and you no need to untangle di oldest knots alone. To reach for dat help no be failure of insight. Na how plenty people finally dey reach di secure wey dem no grow up with.

Whatever your pattern be, na younger version of you build am, di one wey dey try im best to stay close to di people wey e love. Dat part of you no be enemy. E fit learn something new.

Sources

• Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
• Cleveland Clinic, What Is Attachment Theory? And How Does It Impact You?
• Mikulincer & Shaver, Enhancing the "Broaden and Build" Cycle of Attachment Security in Adulthood (International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health)
• HelpGuide, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships