How to Get Over Somebody Wey You Still Love

E for easy well well if you don fall out of love. Then to leave go just be paperwork. The cruel part na say the feeling still dey here, fully intact, pointed at somebody wey no dey come back. You dey miss dem at odd hours. You dey reach for your phone to tell dem something small. You dey replay the good days and edit out the bad ones. And some part of you still dey wait, even though you know better.

If na there you dey right now, you no weak and you no broken. Na person wey their heart no get the memo you be. Dat gap, between wetin you know and wetin you feel, na the whole problem. And na normal one.

Make we talk about why e stubborn so, and then about wetin to do while e dey last.

Your brain dey treat dis like withdrawal

Reason dey why to miss somebody fit feel less like sadness and more like craving.

Researchers wey the anthropologist Helen Fisher lead put people wey dem recently reject, and wey talk say dem still deeply in love, inside brain scanner and show dem photos of the person wey leave. The regions wey light up no be only the ones wey tie to grief. Na regions wey tie to reward, motivation, and craving, some of the same circuitry wey dey fire when somebody hooked on drug and dey want their next hit. The participants report say dem dey spend more pass 85 percent of their waking hours dey think about the person wey end things.

Sidon with dat for a second, because e dey oddly freeing. The reason wey you no fit just decide say you don over am na because one piece of your brain dey process dis person the way e go process something wey you physically dependent on. Longing no be character flaw. Na craving system wey dey do exactly wetin e evolve to do.

See the part wey matter pass. For dat same research, the brain activity wey tie to attachment come quiet the more time pass since the breakup. The pull no dey vanish on day one. E dey fade. No be because you force am, but because na wetin dis systems dey do when dem stop to chop food.

Grieve am like the loss wey e be

We dey tend to reserve the word grief for death. But to lose future wey you don already half-build na real loss, and e dey ask for the same thing wey death dey ask. You must feel am to finish am.

Dat mean say make you allow the sadness arrive instead of dey run from am. Cry if e come. Vex if e come. Write the long message wey you no go send and no send am. The feelings wey you refuse to feel no dey leave; dem just dey wait. People wey allow themselves move through the grief, in waves, on no particular timeline, dey tend to come out the other side sooner pass people wey dey force am hold and dey call dat strength.

But difference dey between to feel and to dey circle. Grieving dey move. Rumination dey loop. If you notice say you don spend one hour dey rehearse the same three memories or dey build the same case for why dem go come back, dat na the loop, and the loop dey keep the wound open. When you catch am, the move no be to scold yourself. Na to gently put your attention on your body or your surroundings, and to do one small real thing. Stand up. Step outside. Call somebody.

Starve the craving, gently

Na here clear-eyed step dey help the most, and na where e hardest.

Mental-health doctors dey fairly direct about dis one: as much as you reasonably fit, go no contact. No texts, no checking their page, no driving past, no "we just dey stay friends" while your heart still wide open. E fit feel cold, even cruel to yourself. E no be. Every time you reach for a hit of dem, you dey feed the very system wey dey keep you inside pain, and you dey reset the clock on am quieting down. Counselors dey often suggest make you give am real time, a period of weeks or few months, before you decide whether any contact even make sense.

Few things dey make no contact survivable instead of just painful:

• Mute or unfollow instead of dramatically blocking, if clean block feel too final. The goal na fewer reminders, no be statement.
• Put away the relics for now. The hoodie, the playlist, the photos. You no need burn anything. Box inside closet don do.
• Decide in advance wetin you go do for the 9 p.m. moment when you dey ache to reach out. A waka, a specific friend wey you fit text instead, a show wey you save only for that time.
• When the urge hit, try wait am out for twenty minutes before you act. Cravings dey crest and fall. Most dey pass if you no pour fuel on dem.

And be honest about the story wey you dey tell yourself for weak moments. Longing get a way of airbrushing the relationship until na only the good parts remain. If e help, write down the real reasons wey e end, plainly, and read dat list when nostalgia start to rewrite history.

Take care of the body wey dey carry all dis

When your heart don wreck, the basics dey feel like say dem no matter. Dem matter. Na dem dey carry the load.

Heartbreak dey hit the body, no be just the mood. Sleep dey go sideways, appetite dey disappear or dey run wild, everything dey feel heavier. You no need feel motivated before you do the small things. You just need do dem. Chop something real. Comot go outside for daylight. Move your body even small. Keep some shape for your days, because na empty hours be where the spiral dey live.

Go easy on the obvious off-ramps too. One or three drink dey blur the ache for one evening and e dey tend to leave you lower the next day, and e dey make the 9 p.m. text far more likely. To numb yourself dey pause grief; e no dey move am.

Slowly become whole person again

When you love somebody deeply, your life dey grow around dem. Their preferences, their schedule, the version of you wey exist for their company. So part of wetin dey pain no be only to miss dem. Na say you no entirely sure who you be without dem inside the room.

Dis one na also the quietly hopeful part. The work now na to take dat space back, one small piece at a time. Pick up something wey na only your own, a thing wey dem no get anything to do with. See the friends wey drift while you dey couple up. Say yes to plan wey you go normally skip. None of am go feel like enough at first. Do am anyway. You no dey try replace wetin you lose. You dey remind yourself say you be full person on your own, wey, somewhere under all dis, na wetin you already be.

When to lean on more pass time

Grief from breakup suppose pain, and e suppose ease, unevenly, over weeks and months. Na the normal arc be dat. Friends and family na part of how you dey get through am; allow the people wey love you actually show up, even when to isolate feel easier.

But sometimes, e big pass wetin friend fit hold. If weeks dey pass and you no dey budge, if you no fit function at work or chop or sleep, if you don stop to care about the things wey used to matter, or if the pain don tip into feeling like say you no want dey here, dat na the moment to reach for professional. Good therapist no be sign say you fail at moving on. Na somebody wey dem train to help you carry dis and put yourself back together, and breakup grief na something wey dem dey treat all the time. If you ever feel unsafe with your own thoughts, no wait am out alone. Reach out to crisis line or somebody wey you trust today.

You no go feel dis way forever, even though right now your whole body convince say you go. The love fit take long time to fade, and e fit never fully disappear. Dat one dey allowed. You fit still build good life beside am. The ache dey get smaller. You dey get bigger. One ordinary morning, a while from now, you go realize say dem no be the first thing wey you think of, and you go understand say the worst of am don already dey behind you.

Source dem

• Cleveland Clinic, How To Get Over a Breakup: 11 Tips for Healing
• Rutgers University, Study Finds Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
• HelpGuide.org, Coping with a Breakup or Divorce