Leading From Values, No Be Mood

Na 4 p.m. on a day wey go sideways. You don tire, small raw, and person just send the message wey tip you over. Your thumb don already dey move toward a reply wey you fit feel say e go sharp. For that half-second, one of two people dey about to answer: the person wey you really want to be, or your mood.

Most of us dey let the mood answer. E faster, e louder, and for the moment e dey feel like the truth. The trouble na say moods na weather. Dem dey roll in, dem dey feel total while dem last, and then dem dey pass come leave you dey stand for whatever you talk while rain dey fall.

The alternative dey quieter and e more durable well. You fit decide, ahead of time, wetin you stand for, and then let that do the steering when your feelings too loud to trust. Na the whole idea behind leading from values instead of mood be that. E no be about to pretend say you feel calm. Na about to no hand the controls to a feeling wey go don go by dinner.

Your mood na information, no be instruction

Na here the reframe wey dey do most of the work. Feeling na data about your inner state. E no be directive about wetin to do next.

When you anxious, that na real information, something matter to you and e dey feel at risk. When you irritated, that na information too. But the leap wey we dey make automatically na from "I dey feel angry" straight to "so I go act angry," as if say the feeling come with instructions attach. E no come with am. Na you add those.

Susan David the psychologist dey call the moment wey we forget this to be "hooked." For her work on emotional agility, she describe how we dey get caught by a thought or feeling the way wey fish dey get caught on line. Once we hook, we dey treat the feeling as fact and let am run the show. The skill, she argue, na to learn to unhook: to notice the feeling, name am, make small room around am, and then choose your next move based on wetin you value instead of wetin you dey feel. To act on your values na wetin dey get you off the hook.

Na that last step be the one wey people dey skip. To notice your feelings na good. To name dem better. But if you stop there, you just be a very self-aware person wey still snap at colleague. The point of the awareness na to buy you the freedom to do something other than to react.

Why feelings dey make such bad bosses

Feelings dey honest, and dem dey short-sighted too. Dem build dem to respond to right now, the threat wey dey front of you, the slight wey you just feel, the deadline wey dey breathe down your neck. Dem no get view of next week, and no memory of who you talk say you want to be.

Na exactly why dem no dey reliable as guide for how you dey treat people. The version of you wey dey run on three hours of sleep and a lunch wey you miss go get strong, specific opinions about coworker tone. Those opinions go feel like clear-eyed judgment. But na mostly low blood sugar dem be.

Values no get that problem, because na when you dey calm you set dem. Na the considered version of you dey talk to the reactive version. When you decide for a steady moment say you want to be the kind of person wey dey stay curious before e get defensive, you dey leave a note for your future, frazzled self. The note dey there precisely so that you no gats make the decision from scratch at 4 p.m. when you least equipped to make am well.

Body of clinical work dey behind this, by the way. Acceptance and commitment therapy, a well-studied approach wey dem dey use for anxiety and depression, na around a similar move dem build am: take action wey line up with your chosen values even while difficult emotions dey present, instead of to wait to feel better first or to let the emotion decide. The Cleveland Clinic describe the goal plain, say your behavior go come align with your values instead of make your emotions dey drive your behavior. You no gats win the fight with the feeling. You just gats no obey am.

The story wey you no notice say you write

One hidden step dey usually between the thing wey happen and the mood wey you dey now. You no dey react to events. You dey react to the story wey you tell yourself about the event, and you dey tell am so fast say you no notice say you write am.

Colleague reply your message with one curt line. The event na short reply. The story na "dem think say this na stupid idea" or "dem dey vex with me." The mood dey come from the story, no be the line. And then you dey respond to the mood. Leadership development work dey sometimes call this fast climb the ladder of inference, the way wey we dey leap from a sliver of raw data straight to a firm conclusion for a fraction of a second, then treat the conclusion as plainly true.

To know this dey give you a second place to intervene. You fit question the story before you ever reach the feeling. "Wetin actually happen here, separate from wetin I dey make am mean?" Often the answer smaller and more boring pass the story. The reply curt because dem dey on their phone, no be because dem don turn against you. To hold your read of a situation small more loosely, to stay open say you fit dey wrong about am, na leadership skill itself, and e dey keep a single curt message from to become a whole afternoon bad mood.

Your mood no dey stay your own

Reason dey why this dey matter more once other people dey count on you. Your emotional state no dey stay politely contained inside your own head. People dey read am, and dem dey catch am. Dem dey pay particularly close attention to the mood of whoever dem see as in charge, even informally, wey mean say your bad afternoon no dey just affect you. E dey set the temperature for everybody wey dey within range.

Na the practical case for leading from values be this, beyond just to feel better yourself. When you act from your mood, you dey broadcast am, and on a hard day wetin you dey broadcast na usually tension. When you act from a value instead, you dey give the people around you something steadier to borrow. Dem no need make you dey cheerful. Dem need to fit predict you, to know say the steady, fair version of you na the one wey go show up even when the day dey go badly. That predictability na most of wetin trust dey make of.

Name wetin you actually stand for

You no fit act from values wey you never put into words. "Be a good leader" too vague to help you at 4 p.m. You need something specific enough to act on.

Try to name three or four. Keep dem concrete and behavioral, the way wey you go want person to describe you on your best day. No be lofty abstractions, but things wey you fit actually do for a hard moment:

• "I dey stay steady when other people dey spin."
• "I dey get curious before I get defensive."
• "I dey talk the truth kindly, even when e awkward."
• "I dey treat people the same whether or not dem fit do anything for me."

Write dem down somewhere wey you go actually see dem. Then, and na this part dey make dem real, decide wetin each one dey look like for practice. If you value to stay steady, wetin that mean the next time wey meeting go off the rails? Probably: lower your voice, ask one clarifying question, resist the urge to assign blame. The more specific the picture, the more likely say you go reach for am under pressure, because you no go gats invent am on the spot.

Build the gap between feeling and acting

Leading from values almost always dey come down to one small mechanical thing: to put a beat between the feeling and the action. The feeling go come. You no fit stop that, and you no suppose try. Wetin you fit change na wetin dey happen for the seconds after.

Catch the surge

Learn the physical signs say something don hook you. For plenty people na hot face, tight jaw, a sudden certainty say you completely right. That certainty na often the tell. When you feel am, treat am as flag, no be green light.

Buy yourself a moment

You no dey often owe anybody instant response. "Make I think about that come back to you" na complete, professional sentence. One slow breath before you talk na the same. Drafts fit sit unsent. The pause na where leading from values dey actually happen, because na the only place wey you get real choice.

Ask the better question

For the gap, swap the mood question for the value question. The mood dey ask, "How I go make this feeling stop right now?" The value dey ask, "Wetin the person wey I want to be go do here?" Same situation, very different answer. One usually dey involve to fire off message. The other usually dey involve to slow down.

Let your body lead

You no fit reason your way to steadiness while your body still dey inside alarm. Long exhale, feet on the floor, shoulders down, this no be soft extra. Na how you dey get enough of your judgment back to act on a value at all. Calm the body first, then choose.

When you spoil am anyway

You go let the mood win sometimes. Everybody dey. You go send the email, or use the tone, or go quiet when you want to show up. This no be sign say the whole thing no dey work for you. Na sign say you be person.

Wetin matter more pass a clean record na wetin you do next. To go back come talk "I dey short with you earlier, and that one no fair to you" na act of values itself. E dey tell everybody wey dey watch say mistakes dey survivable and say you dey hold yourself to the same standard wey you dey hold dem to. People dey trust that far more pass how dem go ever trust person wey dey claim say e no dey ever lose am. The repair na part of the practice, no be failure of am.

And the more often wey you choose the value over the mood, the easier e dey get. You no dey rely on willpower forever. You dey build a default. The first hundred times wey you pause before you react, e dey feel effortful. After that, the pause go start to feel like who you be.

When the feeling pass a mood

One honest limit dey here wey worth to name. Leading from values na skill for everyday emotions, the ordinary irritations and anxieties and bad afternoons wey everybody dey manage. E no be fix for emotions wey don too big to manage on your own.

If your moods dey feel like say dem dey run your life instead of to just visit, if anger, anxiety, or a low mood dey regularly damage your relationships or your work, or if you dey white-knuckle through most days, that no be values problem and willpower no go solve am. That one worth to bring to doctor or therapist, wey fit help you sort out wetin dey underneath am. To reach for that kind of support no be sign say you fail for self-control. Na one of the most values-aligned things wey person fit do, because e dey take the people wey dey count on you serious, and e dey take you serious too.

The goal no ever be to feel nothing. The goal na to make sure say on your hardest days, the person wey dey answer na still you.

Sources

• Harvard Business Review, Emotional Agility (Susan David and Christina Congleton)
• Harvard Business Publishing, From Emotional Triggers to Values-Based Leadership: A Practical Framework
• Cleveland Clinic, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)