Quick tips
- Write di worry down word for word.
- Weigh di evidence on both sides.
- Talk to yourself like friend.
Friend waka pass you for di hallway and no talk hello. For di next half-second, before you don consciously decide anything, your mind dey tell story. Maybe na "she dey vex wit me." Maybe na "she no see me." Maybe na "of course, nobody here actually like me." You no dey choose dat story. E just dey arrive. And whichever one arrive na wetin dey decide how you go feel for di next ten minutes.
Na di whole idea be dat, for one ordinary moment. E dey feel like di hallway cause your mood. E no, quite. Di thought wey you get about di hallway na wetin do am.
Dis no be feel-good slogan about positive thinking. Na di foundation of one of di most studied approach for mental health, cognitive behavioral therapy, and di model behind am almost boringly practical: di way you interpret situation dey shape how you dey feel about am and wetin you go do next. Same hallway, three different thoughts, three completely different afternoon.
Di gap wey you no fit usually see
We dey tend to experience life as straight line. Something happen, and we feel some way about am. Cause, effect, done.
Under dat line one step dey wey we dey skip right over. Between di event and di feeling, your mind dey make snap interpretation of wetin just happen. Aaron Beck, di psychiatrist wey build cognitive therapy for di 1960s, notice say im patients get steady stream of these interpretations dey run quietly underneath everything. He call dem automatic thoughts, because na exactly wetin dem be. Fast, unbidden, and so familiar say you dey mistake dem for plain fact.
Di wahala na say these instant readings often wrong, or at least slanted. Your friend for di hallway really fit just don dey late and distracted. But if your automatic thought na "nobody like me," your body dey respond to di thought, no be di truth. You dey feel di rejection as if e real, because to your nervous system e be so.
Notice wetin hopeful here. You fit rarely change di event. You usually no fit talk yourself out of feeling by force either. Di interpretation for di middle, though, na something wey you fit actually get your hands on.
Wen di loop turn on itself
Thoughts, feelings, and behavior no dey sit for tidy row. Dem dey feed each other. Di NHS dey describe how dis fit tighten into cycle: low mood dey pull up gloomy thoughts, those thoughts dey deepen di mood, di heavier mood dey lead you to cancel plans and pull inward, and di pulling inward dey give you fresh evidence say things really bleak. Round e dey go.
Depression and anxiety both dey run on loops like dis. Wit anxiety, thought like "something dey wrong" dey speed up your body, di racing body dey feel like proof say something really dey wrong, and di fear dey climb. Wit low mood, di thought usually na some flavor of "why bother," and di less you do, di more true e dey start to seem.
Di loop na bad news and good news at once. Bad, because e fit sustain itself wit no help from di outside world. Good, because you fit break in at any point on di circle. Change di thought, or change di behavior, and di whole loop dey loosen.
Di usual ways wey thoughts dey bend
Wen our minds stressed or low, dem no dey distort at random. Dem dey bend into handful of recognizable shapes. Researchers dey call these cognitive distortions, and to learn to spot dem na half di work, because thought dey lose plenty of im grip di moment you fit name di trick wey e dey play. Few of di common ones:
- All-or-nothing. One mistake mean say di whole thing don spoil, one flaw mean say you na failure. No middle dey, only total success or total disaster.
- Mind reading. To decide say you sabi wetin somebody else dey think about you, usually di worst version, wit no actual evidence. Di unanswered text become "dem don finish wit me."
- Catastrophizing. To sprint to di worst possible outcome and live there. One cough become serious illness; one awkward meeting become "I go lose my job."
- Discounting di good. Compliments no dey count, wins na luck or fluke, only di failures dey register as di real you.
- Emotional reasoning. To treat feeling as fact. "I feel like fraud, so I must be one." "I feel hopeless, so things must be hopeless."
You no go get all of these. Most people get two or three favorites wey dey show up again and again, especially under pressure. Once you sabi your own, you dey start to catch dem for di act.
Working wit thought instead of obeying am
Di goal here no be to force yourself to think happy thoughts. To slap cheerful slogan over real worry no dey work, and some part of you sabi say na lie. Wetin dey help gentler and more honest. You step back, look at di thought, and ask weda e actually true, or just loud.
Na simple way through am di next time thought get you wound up:
- Catch di thought and write am down. Get di exact words out of your head and onto paper or phone note. "I completely blew dat presentation." To see am for plain text already dey take some of di heat out.
- Name di feeling and how strong e be. "Ashamed, about 8 out of 10." Dis dey separate di feeling from di thought, so you fit work on di thought witout arguing wit di feeling.
- Look for di evidence, both ways. Wetin actually dey support dis thought? Wetin dey argue against am? Anybody respond well? You dey hold yourself to standard wey you go never put on friend?
- Write fairer version. No be sunnier one, truer one. "I stumble on two slides and di rest was fine. People ask good questions, wey mean say dem dey follow." Di test no be weda e cheer you up. Na weda e go hold up if you talk am out loud to somebody wey you trust.
- Check di feeling again. Often e don ease notch or two. Na di win be dat. You no dey aim for zero. You dey aim for accurate.
Do dis few dozen times and something dey shift. Di fairer thought dey start to arrive on im own, faster, until one day e na di automatic one. Na ordinary repetition, di same way any skill dey get built. Di NHS dey publish free self-help guides wey walk through exactly dis kind of reframing, and dem na good place to start on your own.
Few honest limits
Dis approach powerful, and e no be everything. Some feelings no be distortions at all. Grief, real fear for genuinely unsafe situation, di ache of loss wey truly happen. No thought dey to correct there, because di thought accurate. Di work den na to feel am and be supported through am, no be to reframe am away.
Reframing dey also get very hard to do alone wen mood severe. Wen you deep inside depression, di gloomy thoughts no dey feel like thoughts. Dem dey feel like di floor. If you don dey try and di loop no wan loosen, dat one no be willpower problem and e no be sign say you do am wrong. Na sign say dis one big pass worksheet, and you deserve real person inside am wit you.
Reach out to doctor or therapist if low or anxious thinking don dey steady for weeks, if e dey pull down your sleep, your work, or your relationships, or if e ever turn toward hopelessness or di sense say di people around you go better off witout you. Trained person fit do dis thinking work wit you, and dem fit offer support wey self-help step never will. To ask no be di last resort. Na one of di steps wey dey work.
Di quiet promise underneath all of dis worth to hold onto. Di thought wey arrive uninvited no be verdict. Na draft. And drafts fit be rewritten.
Sources
- NHS, Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
- NHS Every Mind Matters, Self-help CBT techniques
- National Library of Medicine, StatPearls, Cognitive Behavior Therapy