Quick tips
- Give di feeling exact name.
- Make your breath-out longer pass your breath-in.
- Wait for di wave to crest and pass.
Picture di last time wey wave of something hard roll through you. Grief, maybe. Or shame, or jealousy wey you no proud of, or dread wey you no fit name. Wetin you do for di next sixty seconds?
Most of us dey reach for di exit. We go grab di phone. We go open di fridge. We go pour drink, start fight, clean drawer wey no need cleaning, or tell ourselves make we stop am and continue with di day. None of dat na character flaw. Dem build us to move away from pain, and we dey live inside world wey dey hand us hundred ways to do am. Di problem na say di feeling rarely dey leave when we shove am. E dey go quiet for a while and then come back, often louder, often at worse moment.
Older, slower skill dey wey dey do di opposite. You go let di feeling dey there. You go stop to wrestle am. You go stay with am long enough to find out say e no go actually destroy you. Na wetin people mean by to siddon with difficult emotion, and na one of di most useful things wey person fit learn.
Why to fight feeling dey make am stronger
Think about quicksand. Di instinct, when you dey sink, na to thrash. Na thrashing exactly dey pull you under. Di counterintuitive move wey dey keep you afloat na to stop to struggle, spread your weight, and stay still. Therapists wey dey work for model wey dem call Acceptance and Commitment Therapy dey use dat image on purpose, because emotion dey behave di same way. Di harder you fight dem, na di more dem dey tend to take over.
Name dey for di fighting: experiential avoidance. Na di habit of doing whatever e take so you no go feel unwanted feeling. For small doses e harmless. As way of life e dey backfire, because every avoidance dey teach your brain di same lesson, say di emotion dangerous and you no fit handle am. So di feeling dey get small scarier each time, and your life dey get small smaller as you dey arrange am around di things wey you dey try no to feel.
Acceptance na di way out of dat loop, and e worth to dey precise about wetin di word mean here. E no mean say you like di feeling. E no mean say you approve your situation or say you give up on changing am. E mean to drop di war with wetin don already true for dis moment. Di feeling dey here. You fit let am dey here without either drowning inside am or shoving am away.
Wetin emotion actually be
E dey help to know wetin you dey siddon with. Feeling no be permanent fact about you. Na temporary event inside your body, mix of sensation and signal, and like most event e get arc. E dey rise, e dey peak, e dey fade. Di fading na di part wey avoidance no dey ever let you see, because you dey bail out at di peak and dey miss di proof say e for come down on im own.
Under di hood, strong emotion na your brain alarm system dey go off. Small structure deep inside di brain, di amygdala, dey fire when e sense threat, and real threat and painful memory fit light up plenty of di same circuitry. When di alarm loud, di thinking, planning part of your brain dey go quiet. Na why you no fit reason your way out of panic or talk yourself calm for di middle of flood. Di calm gats come first, at least small, before di words land.
So di work no be to argue with di feeling. Na to send your body di signal say you safe enough to feel dis, and then to wait am out.
One way to actually do am
When hard feeling hit and you wan try stay with am instead of bolting, na here sequence wey dey hold up. Move slowly. None of dese na race steps.
- Stop and notice say e dey happen. Catch di moment. "Something just shift." Dat half second of awareness na wetin dey give you choice at all.
- Plant your body. Feet for floor, spine tall, shoulder down. Take one slow breath and make di breath-out longer pass di breath-in. You dey tell your nervous system say di emergency fit stand down.
- Find am inside your body. Tightness for di chest, heat for di face, hollow for di belle, clench for di jaw. Emotion dey live as sensation. To locate di sensation dey pull you out of di runaway story and into something concrete wey you fit observe.
- Name am, as plainly and specifically as you fit. No be just "bad." Na sadness, or na loneliness? Anger, or hurt? Anxiety, or na actually grief? Real difference dey between to feel disappointed and to feel betrayed, and di more exact di word, na di more e dey help.
- Let am dey there. Stop to dey try fix am, solve am, or make am leave. Breathe around am. Imagine to make room for am di way you go make room on crowded bench. You no dey feed am and you no dey fight am. You just dey keep am company.
- Watch am move. Notice di sensation dey rise, dey change, maybe dey ease. You no need force di ease. You just dey there to see say e dey shift. E dey always shift.
Dat fourth step dey do more pass how e look. To put feeling into words na small act with measurable effect. For brain-imaging work at UCLA, di psychologist Matthew Lieberman find say to simply label emotion, to attach word like "angry" to am, dey quiet di activity for di amygdala and dey bring di thinking part of di brain back online. E compare am to gently tapping di brakes. People don dey call di practice "name it to tame it" since then, and na roughly how e dey feel. Di word no dey make di feeling vanish. E dey take di edge off di alarm, just enough.
Wetin e dey look like for real life
Di steps fit sound clinical on di page. For practice e small and ordinary. Say coworker take credit for something wey you do, and one hour later you still dey replay am, dey script di things wey you for talk. Di old move na to keep feeding di loop, fire passive-aggressive message, or stuff am down and seethe through di afternoon.
Di other move dey take about two minutes. You go notice say you wound up. You go siddon back and put your feet flat. You go breathe out slowly, once. You go scan and find tight, hot band across your chest and buzz of energy wey want somewhere to go. You go name am, and di first word na "angry," but when you look closer e more like "hurt," with thread of "I dey scared say dis mean say I no matter here." You go let dose sit. You no dey act on dem, you no dey argue dem away, you just dey breathe and dey let di band for your chest be band for your chest. After one minute or two di heat go drop small. You still dey annoyed. But now you fit think, and from there you fit decide wetin actually worth to do, wey na far better place to send email from pass di middle of di surge.
Na di whole skill be dat. No be meditation retreat. Na like two minutes of staying put while feeling dey do im thing.
Feeling na information, no be instruction
Quiet trap dey wey worth to name. We dey tend to treat emotion as command. Anger dey talk hit back, so we assume say we gats. Fear dey talk run, so we cancel di plan. Shame dey talk hide, so we go quiet for days. But feeling and di action wey e dey push for na two separate things, and di gap between dem na where your freedom dey live.
When you siddon with emotion instead of obeying am, you dey buy room to ask better question. No be "how I go make dis stop," but "wetin dis dey tell me." Anger dey often point at line wey dem cross. Anxiety dey often flag something wey you care about wey dey feel at risk. Grief na di size of love. If you read am dat way, even di hard feelings dey carry useful information, and you fit take di information without di urge running you. You fit feel di full force of di anger and still choose calm sentence. Di feeling dey get to be real. You still dey get to be in charge.
When you feel nothing, or far too much
To siddon with emotion dey assume say you fit find di emotion. Sometimes you no fit. You go feel numb, flat, walled off. Dat numbness na usually no be di absence of feeling, na di lid wey don dey hold feeling down, often for long time. If na there you dey, go gentle. You fit start with di body, no be di emotion, just dey notice where you tight or tired, and let di feeling come back at im own pace. E no need all arrive today.
Di opposite problem real too. Sometimes di wave enormous and to stay with am go mean to go under, no be to float. If feeling big so till e no safe to dey alone with am, dis no be di moment to siddon inside am. Do di opposite, on purpose. Splash cold water on your face, step outside, call somebody, move your body hard for few minutes. To ride out feeling and to dey swamped by one na different situation, and good distress tolerance mean to know which one you dey. You fit come back and feel am later, with more ground under you.
Note for anybody wey dey carry trauma: to turn toward feeling fit sometimes pull up more pass wetin you expect. If dat happen to you, e no be proof say you dey do am wrong. Na sign say dis na work wey e best make you do with trained person beside you, somebody wey fit help you do am at pace wey your nervous system fit handle.
Wetin dey change when you practice dis
Di payoff no be say hard feelings go stop to come. Dem no dey stop. Di payoff na say you go stop to dey fear dem so. When you don siddon with sadness few times and watch am pass, sadness dey lose im power to run your week. When you don let anxiety rise and crest without bolting, you dey trust yourself more di next time e show up. Di feelings dey get smaller because you don get bigger.
Dis also dey slowly return something wey avoidance quietly dey steal: your range. Person wey no dey brace against dem own emotion fit let di good ones in too. Joy, tenderness, awe, dose dey come through di same gate wey you don dey keep shut against di painful ones. Open am small crack for grief and you dey tend to get more delight back as well.
When to bring in more help
To siddon with emotion na skill, no be cure, and e get limit wey worth to respect. If low mood don settle in and e no dey lift for weeks, if you dey avoid more and more of your life to keep from feeling things, if di feelings dey run your days or dey steal your sleep, or if to stay with dem on your own dey feel genuinely unsafe, na di point to bring in professional. Doctor or good therapist no be backup plan for when dis fail. Na di next, larger version of di same move wey you don already dey make: to turn toward wetin hard instead of away from am, dis time with company. To reach out no be sign say you no fit handle am. Na one of di strongest form of handling am wey dey.
Sources
- University of Rochester Medical Center, Behavioral Health Partners, Emotions and Quicksand: Lessons from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
- UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
- Harvard Health Publishing, Self-regulation for adults: Strategies for getting a handle on emotions and behavior
- Harvard Health Publishing, Dropping anchor on big emotions