How to Talk About Money Without Am Turning to Fight

Na small e dey take start. One charge for the statement wey you no expect. One sigh when the other person carry im card. One bill wey land for wrong time. Before one or two minutes pass, no be the forty dollars una dey talk about again. Na respect, abi fairness, abi who suppose decide things, and una two no even sabi how una take reach here.

If this kind slide familiar to you, you no dey alone at all. Money na one of the things wey couples dey quarrel about pass, and money quarrel get e own kind sting. E dey come back. You fit settle argument about house work and feel say una don finish am. But the same money argument sabi show face again for the next statement, the next holiday, the next big thing wey una wan buy, just say e wear small different cloth.

The good news wey hide inside am na this: the fact say this quarrel dey repeat no mean say una relationship don spoil. E mean say money dey touch something wey matter to una two. The koko na to learn how to talk about the thing wey dey under.

Money quarrel no too be about money

When you dey quarrel about something wey person buy, no be the thing itself una dey fight about. Na wetin the money stand for una dey fight about. Safety. Freedom. To make dem take you serious. To fit rest your mind. The fear of lack wey one of una fit don grow up with, or wey the other one never taste.

Plenty of wetin we believe about money, we catch am tey tey before we meet our partner, from the house wey we grow up, from as we dey watch the big people around us dey worry or dey spend anyhow or just keep quiet anytime the money matter come up. One person learn say to save na how you dey stay safe. The other one learn say to spend small na how you go finally enjoy the life wey you work for. No be say any of dem wrong. Na just two different story about wetin money dey for, wey dey sit for the same kitchen table, and many times neither person sabi say dem dey follow script wey dem write years ago.

Na why five-minute talk about streaming subscription fit just blow up. To one of una na five dollars. To the other one na the principle, the way things fit slide go worse, the proof say una no dey the same page. Each of una dey defend one value, no be number.

The Gottman Institute, wey don study how couples dey quarrel for many decades, talk the same thing for plain way: when partners no gree about money, that disagreement na usually cover for something wey deep pass, a fear, a hope, a picture of wetin good life suppose be. If you argue for the level of the dollar, you go just dey go round and round. But if you come curious about the dream or the fear wey dey sit under am, the whole talk go change shape.

The wahala of keeping quiet

See one twist wey dey catch plenty couples unawares. The people wey get the most money pressure na dem dey talk about am the least.

Researchers for Cornell look this exact thing and find say money stress dey make couples keep quiet, instead of make dem plan together. When money tight and worry plenty, people dey run from the talk exactly when dem need am pass. Part of am na say stress dey chop the mind energy wey hard talk need. Part of am na the fear: you just assume say e go turn to fight, so you no talk anything, and that quiet slowly become e own kind of distance.

The same research show wetin dey help. When couples start to see money problem as something wey the two of dem dey face together, instead of permanent fight between dem, dem come dey ready to actually talk. That change, from "me against you" to "us against this thing," na im dey do plenty of the heavy work.

The fights wey dey under the fights

Small number of flashpoints dey come up again and again, and e dey help to recognize dem for wetin dem be, because each one na really clash of two story wey both make sense.

The person wey dey save and the person wey dey spend

Na this pairing be the classic one, and couples dey often find each other for exactly this line. One of una dey watch the account balance and dey feel calm as e dey climb high. The other one dey watch life dey pass and wan enjoy small of am now. Each one dey see the other as the problem. The saver look reckless to the spender but responsible to imsef; the spender look like person wey no get joy from one chair, but wise person from the other chair. You no go fit win this one by argument. Na only to understand am and meet for somewhere for the middle, wey usually mean say some money go dey protected and some money go really dey free to enjoy without say una go argue over every cup of coffee.

Your own, my own, and our own

How una dey hold the money, joint account, separate account, or some mix, no be just about logistics as e sound. To one person, to join everything na the whole reason for being one team. To another person, to keep small of dem own na how dem dey hold onto sense of who dem be. The two fit be true for the same couple. No single correct structure dey, na only the one wey una two choose on purpose and wey una two fit manage. The danger no be the arrangement. Na to just slide into one by default and come dey vex about am later.

The gap for how much una dey earn

When one of una dey earn plenty pass, or one of una no dey earn anything for some time while una dey raise pikin or dey find work, money quietly come carry power inside am. The person wey dey earn less fit feel say dem don lose their vote. The person wey dey earn pass fit feel one weight wey nobody talk, wey dem no ask for. To talk this thing out loud, plain, before e harden into vex, dey remove most of the poison. Home dey run on more than wetin show for paycheck, and to call that out dey stop the scoreboard from running the relationship.

How to start am, so e no go end for fight

How talk take start dey shape where e go end. Money talk wey start with accusation almost never dey recover. Small things fit make the start gentle and make the rest of am possible.

Choose the moment on purpose. No start the big one when you dey comot for door, or when you don tire lie down for bed, or when you don already vex about another thing. Set time. "Make we sidon for Sunday come look things together?" A check-in wey una plan, wey no get plenty pressure, dey beat ambush every time, and e dey save una two from the fear of wondering when the topic go jump on you.

Share money story before una share opinion. Before una argue wetin to do, come curious about where each of una dey come from. How money take feel for your house when you dey grow up? Wetin be your worst money fear? Wetin "enough" go actually let you do? You fit find say your partner no dey control or careless at all. Dem dey protect something wey go make complete sense once you fit see am.

Call the feeling, no be the judgement. Try "my mind no dey settle when I no sabi wetin remain for the account" instead of "you dey always overspend." The first one dey invite your partner in. The second one put dem for trial. One of the most useful moves for any tense talk na to simply make the problem be the thing wey una two dey face, instead of make una face each other.

Listen to understand, no be to answer back. When na your partner turn, hold the urge to load your counter-argument while dem still dey talk. You no need gree before you fit acknowledge. "That make sense" or "I no know say that one dey fear you" fit cool the talk faster than any sharp point wey you for wan make.

Make the words themselves soft. Small word choice dey carry surprising weight. The American Psychological Association talk say even if you change "budget," wey fit feel like punishment, to "spending plan," e fit change the temperature of the whole talk. The aim na plan wey una two own, no be rulebook wey one of una dey enforce.

Take the break before you need am. If una voice dey rise and una body dey tense, una don comot from the zone where anything useful dey happen. Gree before time say any of una fit call pause. "Make we come back to this one after dinner." Break no be avoidance when you actually come back.

Make am habit, no be emergency

The couples wey dey quarrel least about money no be usually the ones wey get money pass. Na the ones wey dey talk about am often enough so that no single talk go carry all the weight.

A short money check-in wey dey happen regular dey do this quietly. Once a month, sidon for twenty minutes, look wetin enter and wetin comot, call any thing wey dey come, and adjust. Keep am light. Some couples dey add something wey dem dey enjoy after, so the whole thing no go feel like say dem call you go principal office. The point of the rhythm na say you dey catch problem when e still small, while e still be one line for paper and no be complaint wey don dey gather interest for six months.

E dey also help to put your shared picture for where una two fit see am. The bills, the debt, the savings, wetin each of una dey quietly hope for one year or five years from now. To open everything fit feel like say dem strip you, especially if debt or habit dey wey you don dey carry alone and dey fear the moment wey you go talk am out loud. But couples wey come honest about the whole picture, including the parts wey no dey comfortable, dey trust each other more, no be less. The thing wey you don dey hide rarely land as bad as the hiding itself for land, once dem find am. Na secret dey corrode person. Na daylight dey steady person.

Some money problem no dey solve, and e okay so

See something wey worth to make peace with. No be every difference between una be problem wey dem suppose fix. Person wey naturally dey save and person wey naturally dey spend fit never fully change each other, and dem no need to. Plenty strong, lasting relationship dey hold one small permanent disagreement about money and dey manage am with laugh and respect instead of dem to try win am.

The goal no be say una go think exactly the same about every dollar. Na to stop to treat the difference like threat. When you fit talk say "we dey see this one differently, and we dey handle am" without say e go turn to referendum on the relationship, you don already win the part wey matter.

When to bring help come in

Sometimes the talk go keep dey end for the same painful way no matter how careful una take start am, or money don become the thing wey una dey waka around softly softly so tey una don stop to talk at all. That one worth to take serious. Couples therapist fit help una find the pattern wey dey under the fights, and financial counselor fit remove some of the raw fear from the numbers by giving una plan wey una fit stand on. To reach for that kind help no be confession say una don fail. Na two people wey decide say their relationship worth more than being correct about the market money.

And if money worry don start to weigh down more than your relationship, if the stress dey follow you enter your sleep, your work, or how you dey feel about getting up for morning, abeg no carry am alone. Talk to your doctor or mental health professional. The pressure real, and the help too real.

Wia We Take Am From

• American Psychological Association, Happy couples: How to avoid money arguments
• Cornell Chronicle, The cost of silence: Financial stress mutes couples' communication
• The Gottman Institute, Talking About Finances: A Touchy Topic Made Easier for Couples