Name It to Tame It: Why to Put a Feeling Into Words Dey Calm Am Down

One moment dey, just before everything scatter, when a feeling never get name. You just know say something dey wrong. Your chest tight, your jaw lock, your thoughts dey sprint go somewhere wey you no fit follow. E big and e loud and e dey run you.

That nameless state na the worst place to dey, and e still be the most common. Most of us, nobody teach us the simplest thing to do inside am: to stop, and talk wetin the feeling really be. No be to fix am. No be to argue with am. Just to name am. "I dey anxious." "You hurt me." "That one vex me."

E sound too plain to matter. But e come be one of the most reliable calming tools wey we get, and brain scans dey to back am up.

One phrase wey get real science under am

The catchphrase "name it to tame it" come from the psychiatrist Dan Siegel, wey use am to describe how language dey calm storm of emotion. E catch on because e true and easy to remember. But the idea no be just slogan. E stand on plenty research wey get clinical name: affect labeling.

Affect labeling just mean to put your emotional experience into words. Out loud, on paper, or quietly for your own head, to talk, plain, wetin you dey feel.

For 2007, one team for UCLA wey the neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman lead put people inside brain scanner and show dem photos of faces wey anger or fear twist. For one condition, people just look. For another one, they pick word for the emotion wey dey the face, like "angry" or "scared." When people label the feeling, activity drop for the amygdala, the small, fast part of the brain wey dey fire the alarm and flood you with stress. Same time, one thoughtful region behind the forehead, the prefrontal cortex, light up. Lieberman talk am simple. When you put feelings into words, e be like say you dey press brake for your emotional responses.

Why words dey reach the part of you wey dey panic

Na so the mechanism take work, for plain terms.

Your brain get fast system and slow one. The fast system, dem build am for survival. E dey react before you don even think anything through. Na the part wey dey pull your hand comot from hot stove and flood you with dread before you know why. The slow system na the deliberate one. E dey reason, plan, and put experience into language.

When a feeling hit hard, the fast system dey hold the steering. To name the feeling na how you quietly hand some of that control back to the slow system. To find the right word dey pull your thinking brain into the moment, and your thinking brain, once e engage, go turn down the alarm. You no dey suppress anything. You dey call one part of yourself to steady another one.

That difference matter, because to name a feeling no be the same as to push am away.

When you stuff a feeling down or pretend say e no dey there, e go dey leak comot sideways and stay longer. To name am dey do something different. You face am for one second, you give am label, and for that small act of acknowledgment e go loose im grip. People dey worry say to talk "I dey anxious" go make the anxiety worse, the way to talk scary word out loud fit do. For real life e usually work the other way.

Wetin this one no be

To label a feeling no be distraction, and that one come be important difference.

Researchers test this directly. For one study of people wey dey fear spider, dem tell one group make dem near a live tarantula while dem dey describe their fear with blunt words, dey talk things like "I dey anxious say this disgusting spider go jump on top me." Another group talk about something wey no relate, the kind mental sidestep wey we usually reach for when we dey scared. One week later, the group wey name their fear out loud show less physical stress when they face spider again. The ones wey describe their fear with the strongest words do the best pass all.

Na that be the surprising part. To call the spider terrifying no make the people fear more. E help dem get closer. To look a feeling straight for eye and talk wetin e be dey do more for you pass to look away.

How to actually do am

This na tool for the moment something hit you, and e dey take about ten seconds. You fit do am anywhere, and nobody need know say you dey do am.

1. Notice your body first. Before you fit name a feeling, you gats catch am. The chest wey dey tighten, the heat for your face, the urge to snap or run or go numb. Na that be the signal. When you feel am, na your cue to pause take breath.
2. Talk wetin e be, simple. Put am inside short, honest sentence. "I dey anxious." "I feel rejected." "Na grief be this." "I dey so frustrated right now." Out loud if you fit, for your head if you no fit.
3. Reach for the most specific word wey you fit find. "Bad" and "upset" na start, but dem vague. You really dey disappointed? Ashamed? Lonely? Overwhelmed? You dey bear grudge? The closer the word, the more e go settle you. To get am exactly right na part of wetin dey do the work.
4. Make e be feeling, no be fact. Quiet but real difference dey between "I be failure" and "I dey feel like failure right now." The first one na verdict. The second one na weather: uncomfortable, and e dey pass. The way you talk "I dey feel" dey keep small space between you and the emotion, and na for that space your footing dey come back.
5. Stop there. You no need solve anything yet. The naming na the whole move. Once the alarm don drop small, your clearer head don come back online, and you fit decide wetin to do next from there instead of from the middle of the storm.

If you no fit find the word

Sometimes the feeling dey real but you no fit pin am down, and that one normal. Try wider net. Plenty people dey find am easier to start with small set of basics (I dey vex, sad, scared, or hurt?) and narrow from there. A printed list of feeling words, or one for your phone, fit help pass wetin you go expect. The vocabulary na muscle. The more you reach for the right word, the faster the right word go show up when you dey shake.

To write dey work too, and sometimes better. If a feeling too tangle to talk am for one sentence, give yourself few minutes to write am down without editing. To find words for page dey do the same job as to talk dem, and e dey give the feeling somewhere to go.

A feeling na information, no be order

Second thing dey wey naming dey do, and e dey change your whole relationship with hard emotions over time.

When a feeling no get name, e dey feel like command. Anger dey talk hit back. Fear dey talk run. Shame dey talk hide. For the nameless state, you no dey experience these as feelings at all. You dey experience dem as the only reality wey dey, and you go act on dem before you get chance to choose.

The moment you name a feeling, e go stop to be command and turn to piece of information. "I dey angry" dey tell you say something happen wey cross a line wey you care about. "I dey anxious" dey tell you say part of you sense threat, whether e real or not. "I hurt" dey tell you say something matter to you. None of those feelings dey wrong, and none of dem automatically correct about wetin to do next. Na data about wetin dey happen inside you. Once you fit read dem as data, you go fit decide wetin the data deserve. Sometimes the anger dey point to real problem wey worth to address. Sometimes e just dey run on empty from bad night sleep. Na only after you don name am and look, you fit tell the difference.

Na also why to name the same feeling many times, over weeks, dey make you steadier in general and no be just calmer for the moment. You dey slowly learn your own patterns. You go start to recognize the particular flavor of dread wey dey show before hard conversation, or the specific irritability wey mean say hunger dey catch you instead of say something really vex you. That self-knowledge dey quietly protect you. The better you sabi your own weather, the less e dey surprise you.

To name am for another person

The same tool dey work for the other direction, and na one of the kindest things wey you fit do for person wey dey struggle.

When somebody wey you love dey flooded, your instinct usually na to fix am or to talk them out of the feeling. "E no bad reach so." "You go dey fine." "Look the bright side." Those ones rarely dey land, because a flooded brain no fit take in reasoning. Wetin usually dey land na to simply name wetin you see, gently and without judgment. "That one sound really frustrating." "You be like say you dey scared." "This na plenty right now, no be so."

You dey do for dem wetin dem no fit quite do for themselves for that moment: you dey hand dem the word. When the naming come from calm person wey dey beside dem, e fit pull their thinking brain back online the same way e for do if dem do am alone, with the added steadiness of no dey alone. This one dey especially powerful with children, wey usually get the feeling long before dem get the language for am. Pikin wey dey melt down over broken toy usually no fit talk "I dey overwhelmed and disappointed." Adult wey talk am for dem, calmly, dey give the storm shape and shore.

The trick na to name without correcting. You no dey tell dem how to feel or dey try argue dem out of am. You just dey let dem know say you don see the feeling, and say e allowed. That one alone dey do surprising amount of work.

Few honest limits

To name a feeling dey turn the volume down. E no dey turn am off. The amygdala go settle, but e no dey go silent, and you go still feel the feeling, just with small more room to think. Na that be the point, and e good make you keep your expectations honest about am. This na tool to get through hard ten minutes, no be cure for wetin dey under.

E dey also get easier with practice, wey mean say the first few times fit feel clumsy or like nothing dey happen. That one dey okay. You dey learn a skill, and the skill dey compound. People wey dey name their feelings regularly dey get steadier over time, no be just calmer for the moment.

And e get ceiling. If your feelings big so or constant so reach say you no fit find words for dem at all, or if to name wetin true dey bring up thoughts say you no wan dey here again, na that moment to bring another person in. A therapist, for the most part, na somebody wey dem train to help you find words for things wey feel wordless, and to siddon with you while you dey do am. To reach for that kind help no be sign say this technique fail you. Some storms too big to weather with only one tool, and dem never mean say you go weather dem alone.

Sources

• UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
• National Library of Medicine (PMC), Feelings Into Words: Contributions of Language to Exposure Therapy
• Association for Psychological Science, Expressing Your Emotions Can Reduce Fear