Quick tips
- Let di first surge crest before you react.
- Name di feeling for plain words.
- Breathe out long, two times, before you reply.
One email land. Three lines, no warning, and your face go hot. Your heart pick up. Pressure dey behind your eyes and one sudden urge to fire back something wey you never think through. You never decide to feel any of dis one. E just arrive.
Naa something wey dey help for exactly dat moment. Di first physical rush of feeling dey shorter pass how e look. Di brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor, wey study her own mind closely after stroke, put one number on am wey don spread wide: when emotion trigger, di chemicals wey flood your body dey crest and dey start to clear for about ninety seconds. Di heat, di tight chest, di buzz for your hands. Dat part na wave. E dey rise, e dey peak, and if nothing reload am, e dey begin to fall.
Taylor ninety seconds na useful frame, no be stopwatch wey you suppose hold yourself to. Different feelings and different bodies dey run on different clocks. But di shape na real, and na di shape matter: di raw chemistry of feeling na temporary, and plenty of wetin dey keep us stuck no be di feeling itself.
Di wave and di loop
Think of two separate things wey dey happen when you get upset.
Di first one na automatic. One trigger hit, your stress system fire, and your body release surge of stress hormones. Cleveland Clinic describe di cascade plainly: heart rate dey climb, breathing dey quicken, muscles dey tense, blood dey rush towards di parts of you wey dey built to fight or flee. You no dey choose dis one and you no fit argue am away in di middle of surge. E old pass thinking.
Di second thing na di loop. Once dat first wave start to fade, your thoughts fit quietly start am over. You dey replay di email. You dey draft di comeback for your head, den better one. You dey imagine di meeting where you go finally talk di thing. Each pass dey tell your brain say di threat still dey here, and your brain dutifully dey send out another dose of di same chemicals. Di wave wey suppose don crest and fall dey get refilled from di top.
Naa why emotion fit look like say e last one hour, or whole afternoon. Often e no be one long feeling. Na di same short feeling, wey your own attention dey trigger again and again.
How "to ride am" actually dey look
To ride di wave no mean to ignore how you feel, and e definitely no mean to stuff am down. E mean to let di first surge move through you instead of to act on am or feed am. Three things dey make dat one possible.
Notice say e don start. Di instant wey you fit think "okay, e dey come," you don already step small outside di feeling. You dey watch di wave instead of make e sweep you. Taylor own trick almost literal: observe di reaction with curiosity, like to check clock, and let am run im course.
Give your body one minute, no be your mouth. Di surge want make you do something right now. You rarely need to. Drop di phone. Waka go get water. Slow your exhale so e go longer pass your inhale, wey dey nudge your body towards im calming gear. You no dey suppress anything. You just dey decline to act at di peak.
Name wetin you dey feel, for plain words. Dis one get real science behind am. One UCLA study wey Matthew Lieberman lead find say to simply put feeling into words dey change di brain: when people label emotion, activity for di amygdala (di alarm center) go down, while one thinking region towards di front of di brain come online. To talk "I dey vex well well" or "I dey hurt and I dey fear small" no be to vent. Na small lever wey dey turn di alarm down.
You no need all three every time. On hard day, even one na enough to keep di wave from becoming loop.
One version wey you fit use right now
Di next time wey feeling spike and you dey tempted to react, try dis one. E dey take about di same length as di wave.
- Name am. Out loud if you fit, silently if you no fit. "Dis na anger." "Dis na panic." "Dis na grief." Be specific.
- Find am for your body. Where e dey? Jaw, chest, stomach, di back of your hands. Just locate am. You dey observe, no be to fix.
- Breathe out slowly, two times. Long exhales, shoulders dey drop. Let di next thing wey you go talk or send wait until you don do dis.
- Let am crest. Remind yourself say di strongest part dey pass. You get permission to feel am fully and still no move yet.
- Den choose. Once di peak soften, decide wetin you actually want do. Dat decision go wiser pass di one wey di surge want.
Di goal no be to feel calm instantly. Na to put small gap between di feeling and your response, so di response go be your own.
When di wave dey keep reload
Be honest with yourself about di loop, because na di part wey you fit change, and also di part wey fit quietly run away from you.
Sometimes one thought dey keep relight di same feeling all day. Dat na rumination, and e dey tire person. Di way out usually no be to win di argument for your head. Na to gently move your attention to something wey dey use your hands or your body or another person, so di loop go lose im fuel. Waka, real conversation, task wey need focus. No be as distraction from your feelings, but as one way to stop to dey manufacture fresh ones.
Di full stress cascade dey also take small time before e truly settle. Even after di first ninety-second wave pass, your body fit need twenty or thirty minutes to come all di way back to baseline. So if you still feel rattled after di peak, you no dey do am wrong. Na di tide dey go out. Be patient with am.
When ninety seconds no be di whole story
Dis tool dey built for ordinary, sharp emotions. Di flash of anger, di sting of embarrassment, di jolt of stressful message. For dose ones, to ride di wave fit genuinely change your day.
Some things no dey fit inside ninety seconds, and dem no suppose. Grief dey move on im own timeline. Di heaviness of depression, di grip of anxiety disorder, or di aftermath of trauma too, where feeling fit flood back long after di moment wey cause am. If you try to ride dose out like passing wave and dem dey keep crash, dat one no be failure of willpower. E mean say you dey carry something wey deserve more pass one-minute technique.
If strong feelings dey regularly run your days, if di loop no wan loosen no matter wetin you try, or if you dey feel hopeless or unsafe, abeg talk to doctor or therapist. Trained person fit offer wetin breathing trick no fit. To reach for dat kind help na one of di steadiest things wey person fit do.
Di next wave go come. Dem dey always come. Wetin you dey learn na say you fit stand inside one without make e knock you down, feel di whole thing, and still fit choose wetin go happen next.
Sources
- TED, Jill Bolte Taylor: My stroke of insight
- UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
- Cleveland Clinic, What Is the Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn Response?
- Psychology Today, The 90-Second Rule That Builds Self-Control