Defensiveness: How to Notice Am and Step Comot from Am

Somebody talk say, "Hey, you forget to call the plumber back," and one small fire go light up inside your chest. You no decide to feel am. E just dey there. And the words wey comot next no really be about the plumber. Na about how your week busy, how dem no fit expect you to remember everything, how dem for call too.

Na defensiveness be that. Most of us dey do am without notice, usually with the people wey we close to the most, and usually right at the moment wey small honesty for help.

The good news na say na reflex, no be character flaw. Reflexes fit be interrupted once you learn how dem dey feel from inside.

Wetin e actually be

Defensiveness na self-protection. The Gottman Institute, wey don study couples for decades, describe am as to ward off a perceived attack through righteous indignation or innocent victimhood. Comot the formal language and e come down to one message wey you dey send when you feel cornered: *the problem no be me, na you.*

That message fit dey loud or quiet. Sometimes na counterattack. Sometimes na wounded "fine, na terrible person I be then." Sometimes na list of reasons, wey you deliver very calmly, wey all add up to *this one no be my fault.* The shape dey vary. The function na the same. You dey try to make the discomfort stop without you look whatever the other person just put on top table.

Here na why that one matter for the people wey you care about. The Gottman researchers find say defensiveness na one of the patterns wey most reliably dey erode relationship over time. No be because anybody wicked, but because defensiveness dey shut the door on the actual conversation. Your partner come to you with real thing. You hand am right back. Now two upset people dey and dem never still call the plumber.

Why your body dey reach there before you

The reason why this one hard to control na say e no dey really happen for the thinking part of your brain. E dey happen lower and faster pass that.

When feedback land as threat, your body dey react the way e go react to any threat. Heart rate dey climb. Attention dey narrow. You go stop to hear the other person and start to hunt for evidence say you right. Psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren, wey write for the Greater Good Science Center for UC Berkeley, point to few quiet engines under all this: we want to dey right, we want certainty for uncertain world, and we dey usually filter wetin we hear through wetin we already believe. Criticism dey rattle all three at once.

Deeper layer dey often too. If some part of you suspect say one mistake dey prove say you fundamentally no good enough, then even gentle feedback dey feel like verdict. You no dey defend against the comment. You dey defend against wetin you dey fear say the comment mean about you.

Wey be exactly why the move wey dey work no be "try harder to stay calm." E dey earlier pass that.

To catch am for the half-second wey you get

Defensiveness get tell. E almost always dey announce imself for the body before e reach your mouth, and that gap, no matter how short, na where your freedom dey live.

Learn your own signals. For plenty people na sudden tightness for the chest or jaw, flush of heat, or the specific feeling of rebuttal wey dey form while the other person still dey talk. That last one worth to watch for. The instant wey you notice say you dey rehearse your reply instead of dey listen, you don catch am.

When you feel am, do less, no be more.

1. Stop to talk. The first defensive sentence na the one wey dey do the damage. If you fit just no talk am, you don already change the outcome.
2. Take one slow breath. Long exhale dey tell your body say the emergency no real. You need your body small calmer before your judgment go come back.
3. Buy yourself small time. "Let me sit with that for a second" na complete and honest sentence. Almost nothing for hard conversation require instant answer.
4. Ask instead of argue. "You fit talk more about wetin you mean?" dey turn standoff back into conversation, and e dey buy you time to hear the thing wey you bin dey about to talk over.

None of this require you to agree. E just dey keep the door open long enough to find out whether something true dey inside wetin dem talk.

The move wey dey end am: find the part wey true

The antidote wey the Gottman work point to dey disarmingly simple. Take responsibility for your part. Even small part.

This one dey trip people because dem dey hear "take responsibility" as "admit say you entirely wrong." E no mean that. Almost every complaint get small sliver of truth inside am, and na only the sliver you need own. "You right, I forget, and I understand why that dey frustrating." Na so. You never concede the whole argument. You never agree say you be bad partner. You just acknowledge the one true thing, and to acknowledge am na wetin dey let the other person stop to press.

Something dey shift when you do this. The other person come in dey brace for fight and get agreement instead. The temperature drop. Now na two people wey dey look problem together una be instead of two people wey *na* the problem to each other.

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, wey dey teach on difficult conversations for Harvard and write *Thanks for the Feedback*, describe one useful habit for the harder cases: separate the message from the messenger. When feedback come from somebody wey dey annoy you, or e come out clumsy, e easy to throw out the whole thing because of how e arrive. Their advice na to look pass the delivery and ask whether something worth to learn dey inside am anyway. The feedback fit dey poorly worded and still partly right.

To build the longer-term version

To catch defensiveness for the moment na the in-game skill. One slower kind of work dey too wey dey make the moment easier, and e mostly dey happen when nobody dey criticize you at all.

• Get comfortable to dey imperfect on purpose. The more at home you dey with your own flaws, the less any single piece of feedback fit knock you over. Van Tongeren name this one directly: when you don already make peace with the fact say you get limitations, to hear about one dey sting less.
• Know your tendencies. Stone and Heen suggest say make you watch for your own patterns for how you dey take feedback, because once you fit see your standard reaction dey come, you fit choose different one.
• Separate "I do bad thing" from "I be bad person." These feel identical for the heat of the moment and dem no be the same. You fit don make mistake and still be good person. To hold the two at once na most of the skill.
• Remember wetin you dey protect. The instinct to defend yourself dey try to keep you safe. For relationship wey matter, the thing wey actually worth to protect na the relationship, and to listen dey serve that one better pass to win.

When e big pass ordinary habit

Sometimes defensiveness pass just reflex wey you fit practice past. If even mild feedback dey regularly send you into tailspin wey dey take hours or days to recover from, if you find yourself say you no fit hear concern from anybody without you feel attacked, or if the pattern dey keep damage relationships no matter how hard you try, that one worth to take serious instead of to force am with clenched fist.

Tender history dey often under that level of reactivity, and a good therapist fit help you reach am more safely pass how you fit alone. Couples counseling fit also help when two people dey keep stuck for the same loop and e be like say dem no fit find the exit on their own. To reach for that kind help no be admission say you fail at being calm. Na one of the more self-respecting things wey person fit do.

The next time wey that small fire light up inside your chest, you no need act on am. You just need notice am, breathe once, and find the one true thing inside wetin you hear. Na the whole skill be that, and e dey enough.

Sources

• The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness
• Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, Four Ways to Cool Down Your Defensiveness
• Harvard Business Review (Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone), Find the Coaching in Criticism