How to Fight Fair: To Argue Without Wounding Each Other

Every close relationship get argument. The good ones included. If you don ever waka away from fight dey wonder whether something dey wrong with the two of una, see small relief to start with: the conflict itself no be the problem. Couples wey almost never dey argue no be say dem necessarily closer. Sometimes na just say dem don stop to talk the hard things out loud.

Wetin actually dey separate relationships wey dey last from the ones wey dey erode na the way dem dey do the fighting. Decades of research from the psychologist John Gottman, wey don watch thousands of couples dey argue inside lab and track how dem fare years later, dey point to the same conclusion again and again. Na the *style* of conflict, no be the amount, dey tell you where couple dey head.

So dis one no be about say make you never fight. Na about learning to fight for a way wey no dey leave mark.

The four moves wey dey do the damage

Gottman team come good in a scary way at predicting which couples go split, partly by watching for four specific behaviors during disagreement. E name dem the Four Horsemen, and once you fit spot dem, you go see dem everywhere, for other people fights and for your own.

• Criticism. No be complaint about something wey happen, na attack on who your partner *be.* "You forget to call" na complaint. "You no dey ever think about anybody except yourself" na criticism. One dey point at behavior. The other dey point at their character.
• Contempt. Eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, the cold superiority of talking down to somebody you love. Gottman dey call contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce. E dey corrode because e dey talk, under the words, *I look down on you.*
• Defensiveness. To meet concern with excuses or counterattack. "Well, I for no do am if you no bin..." E dey feel like self-protection. To the other person e dey land as *none of dis na my own to own.*
• Stonewalling. To go silent, shut down, leave the room for your head even if no be your body. Often na wetin dey happen after somebody so overwhelmed say dem no fit take any more in.

If you recognize few of dis, you no doom. Almost everybody dey do some of dem under stress. Dem worth naming precisely because each one get opposite wey you fit practice instead.

Start soft, or no bother to start

Gottman find something striking about how argument dey begin. The first three minutes dey tend to decide the whole thing. Conversations wey open with accusation almost always dey end badly, and dem rarely dey recover from harsh opening, no matter how reasonable the point under am be.

The fix na wetin therapists dey call soft startup. You name the situation, talk how you feel, and ask for wetin you need, without leading with blame.

Compare dis two openings:

"You leave me to deal with everything again. You always dey do dis."

"I feel really alone with the dishes and the pikin dem tonight. Fit we figure out the evenings together?"

Same frustration. Completely different doors. The first one dey put your partner on trial. The second one dey invite dem to your side of the table.

Na here "I" language dey earn its reputation. E no be magic phrase or therapy cliché. One study wey dem publish for the *Journal of Experimental Social Psychology* test am directly and find say statements wey dem build around "I" dey less likely to provoke defensive reaction pass the same content wey dem frame as "you." The most effective version do two things at once: e talk from your own experience *and* e acknowledge the other person own. Something like, "I know say work bin slam you, and I still feel like say na me dey hold everything." You fit hold your ground and their humanity for the same breath.

When your body hijack the conversation

One moment dey for some fights where you stop to fit think. Your heart dey pound, your face hot, and whatever your partner talk next dey sound like another attack even when e no be. Gottman dey call dis flooding. Na stress response, no be character flaw, and once e kick in, real conversation basically comot for table. You no dey solve problem again. Na survive you dey survive.

The useful thing to know na say flooding dey take time to pass. Your body need around twenty minutes for the stress hormones to come back down, sometimes longer. To push through am no dey work. You go just talk things wey you go need apologize for later.

So build way out before you need one.

1. Agree on time-out signal in advance. One word, one gesture, anything wey una both go honor without arguing about whether e deserved. To decide dis when una calm far easier pass to negotiate am for middle of fight.
2. Talk say you dey come back. Time-out no be stonewalling. The difference na the promise. "I need twenty minutes, and then I want finish dis" dey tell your partner say you dey step back from the fire, no be say you dey abandon dem.
3. Actually settle down. No spend the break dey build your case. Waka, breathe slowly, do something with your hands. The point na to allow your body come off high alert so your judgment go fit come back online.
4. Return when you talk say you go. Na dis part dey make the whole thing trustworthy. If "I need a minute" don historically mean "dis conversation don finish," the signal go stop to work. To keep the promise na wetin dey make future time-outs possible.

The American Psychological Association dey give nearly the same advice for anger in general: notice the early warning signs, step away before you boil over, and come back to finish once you don cool down. To step away no be to lose the argument. Na to protect the relationship from the worst version of you.

The repair na the whole game

See the part wey suppose take some pressure off. You go mess dis up. Everybody dey get sharp, defensive, or cold sometimes. The couples wey dey do well no be the ones wey never slip. Na the ones wey dey catch am and reach back.

Gottman get name for dis too: repair attempts. Any small move wey dey stop things from spiraling. E fit dey tender or e fit dey goofy. "Fit we start over?" "I dey get worked up, and I no want." Hand on shoulder. Old inside joke at exactly the wrong-right moment. E find say couple ability to make and accept dis little repairs na one of the strongest signs say relationship go last. The repair matter more pass the rupture.

Wetin dey make dem work na willingness on both sides. Repair wey you offer and dem refuse dey sting. So when your partner reach, even clumsily, try take the hand. You no need don resolve the issue before you lower the temperature. Those na two separate jobs.

And own your part early, even if e small. Maybe you genuinely think say na ten percent responsible you be and na ninety be their own. Talk the ten percent out loud anyway. "You right say I bin short with you" no dey concede the whole argument. E just dey show say you no dey inside dis to win.

Few ground rules wey worth keeping

When things calm, e worth make una agree on how una go handle the next one. No be contract, na just shared understanding:

• One issue at a time. No drag in last month, or last year.
• No name-calling, no contempt, no bringing up the things wey you know go wound.
• No fighting to win. The other person no be the opponent. Na the problem be the opponent.
• Pick your moment. Hard talks rarely dey go well at midnight or on empty stomach.
• E okay to take break, as long as you come back.

None of dis mean say the fights go disappear. Dem no go, and dem no suppose. The aim na to make conflict something wey una dey do *together*, two people wey dey face problem, instead of something wey una dey do *to* each other.

When e big pass fair fight

Fair-fighting skills dey assume two people wey, under the heat, dey safe with each other and want the same thing. Na so most argument be. E no be all of dem.

If the conflict for your relationship involve any form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, control, threats, or fear, dis one na different situation, and the goal na your safety, no be better argument. Dat one no be something wey you go manage with small communication tweak. Abeg reach out to domestic violence hotline or professional wey fit help you think am through privately and safely.

And if the same fights keep dey happen on loop, if contempt don creep in and e no gree leave, or if una both dey feel more like roommates wey dey run cold pass partners, couples therapist fit help for ways wey list of rules no fit. To go no be sign say you don fail. Plenty strong couples dey go precisely because dem want stay strong. To want help na one of the more hopeful things wey una fit do for each other.

Source dem

• The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
• National Center for Biotechnology Information, I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict
• American Psychological Association, Strategies for controlling your anger: Keeping anger in check