When Argument Really Be About Something Else

You dey stand for the kitchen and the fight na about a sink full of dishes. Or a text wey stay unanswered for six hours. Or who suppose call the plumber. Five minutes in, una two don loud pass wetin the dishes fit ever justify, and some quiet part of you sabi am. Una don get dis exact fight before. Una probably go get am again next month, dey wear different clothes.

When a small thing detonate into a big thing, e dey usually be a sign say the small thing never be the real thing. Underneath the dishes na a question wey get nothing to do with dishes. You dey see how much I dey carry? I matter to you? I dey inside dis alone? Dat questions rarely dey get said out loud. Dem dey get smuggled in, disguised as a complaint about chores, because the complaint feel safer pass the question.

To learn to hear the question under the complaint dey change everything about how a fight dey go. No be because e dey make conflict disappear. Na because e dey let you respond to wetin dey actually pain instead of swinging at a decoy.

The two kinds of fights, and why one of dem no go stay solved

The relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman, wey don study couples for lab for decades, draw a line between two types of conflict. Some problems dey solvable. Dem na about a specific situation, and a good conversation dey produce a fix wey hold: we go split the bills dis way, we go handle the in-laws like dat. You solve am and e stay solved.

Then the other ones dey. The Gottmans dey call dem perpetual problems, and na here the part wey dey surprise people: by their count, about 69 percent of a couple ongoing conflict na perpetual. Dis na the disagreements wey root for who each of una fundamentally be. One person need more closeness, the other need more room. One dey run early, the other dey run late. One dey spend to feel safe, the other dey save to feel safe. You no go solve dis, because nothing dey wey spoil to fix. Na the friction of two whole people dey share a life.

Dat number worth sitting with for a second. If most of wetin una dey fight about no fit be permanently resolved, then to "win" the argument never be the goal. The Gottmans find say wetin actually dey separate couples wey dey do well from couples wey no dey no be whether dem dey solve dis problems. Na whether dem fit keep talking about dem without the conversation turning to acid. The opposite of dat na gridlock, the place where the same fight calcify, each person dig into a trench, and the talking stop to feel like e fit ever lead anywhere.

So if you keep having the same argument, you no dey fail. You just don find one of your perpetual ones. The work no be to defeat am. The work na to learn how to be on the same side of am.

Wetin dey hide under the surface complaint

Think of a recent fight as get two layers. The content dey, wey na whatever the words be about. And the meaning dey, wey na wetin the fight make each of una feel about yourselves and about each other. The fight dey escalate when you argue the content and ignore the meaning.

Most of the real meaning dey live for a handful of places. See if any of dis sound familiar from your own arguments:

• A bid for attention wey miss. "You always dey on your phone" na rarely about the phone. Na a person dey say I wan feel chosen and I no do.
• An old wound wey dem press. If a partner grow up feeling invisible, a forgotten plan dey land far harder pass wetin the plan deserve. The reaction dey sized to the old hurt, no be the new event.
• A value or a need wey dem no dey see. Money fights na famously not about money. Na about safety, freedom, fairness, wetin each of una dem teach say a good life suppose look like.
• A request for repair wey come out sideways. Sometimes a fight na really an attempt to say I still dey hurt about the last thing and we never finish am.

Notice say none of dis dey solvable for the chore sense. You no fit fix "I wan feel chosen" by washing the dishes faster. But you fit hear am. And to dey heard na often the actual thing wey the person dey reach for the whole time.

Why e dey tip into shouting match so fast

One physical reason dey why dis arguments dey spiral past the topic, and e no be a character flaw for either of una. When conflict get intense enough, the body dey flood. Researchers wey dey study couples dey describe emotional flooding as a state of overwhelm where arousal climb so high reach say clear thinking go offline. For dat state, you start to read your partner every move for the worst possible light, and your capacity to actually solve anything drop away.

Flooded na a terrible condition to negotiate in. Your heart dey pound, your reasoning don narrow to defense and counterattack, and somewhere in there the original dishes don vanish entirely. Na why "make we just talk am out right now" so often dey make things worse. You no fit reach the tender real thing under the fight when una two bodies convince say dem dey under threat.

The move here humbler pass to resolve anything. When you feel yourself flooding, the kind move na to call a pause, no be to push through. "I wan keep talking about dis, but I need twenty minutes first." Then actually take dem, and actually come back. A pause without a return na just abandonment with better manners. A pause with a promise to return na one of the most loving things wey you fit do mid-fight.

How to find the real thing, for the moment

You no need to become a therapist to do dis. You need a few honest questions and the willingness to ask dem when you go rather just be right.

1. Ask yourself wetin you dey actually feel, underneath the anger. Anger na usually a bodyguard. Behind am na often hurt, fear, or loneliness. "I dey furious say you forget" na frequently "I feel unimportant." Name dat to yourself first. E dey soften how you say the next thing.
2. Say the feeling, no be the verdict. "You never think about me" na a verdict, and e dey invite a defense. "I feel alone tonight" na a feeling, and e dey invite a hand. The Gottmans dey call the gentle, blameless way of raising something a soft start, and a soft start na the single best predictor of how the whole conversation go go.
3. Get curious about their underside too. When your partner dey overreact to something small, dat na your cue say you don step on something wey matter more pass e look. Instead of "why you dey make dis a big deal," try "dis one seem to mean a lot to you, help me understand." Dat question fit defuse a fight in one sentence.
4. Listen for the wish inside the complaint. Almost every complaint dey contain a hidden longing. "You never dey home" want more of you. "You no dey help" want to no feel alone for the load. If you fit answer the wish, the complaint dey tend dissolve.

The American Psychological Association, dey summarize the research on wetin dey keep couples healthy, land somewhere similar: disagreements na normal and no be a sign of a bad relationship, but how you argue matter enormously. To listen to your partner point of view and try to understand their feelings na the constructive path. Contempt, stonewalling, and to go for the jugular na the corrosive ones. The difference no be whether you fight. Na whether, mid-fight, you stay people wey dey try understand each other.

The repair dey more important pass the fight

Na here the thing wey nobody tell you when you young: the goal never be to stop fighting. Couples wey dey go the distance still dey argue. Wetin dem dey better at na repair, the small moves wey dey pull two people back toward each other after the rupture. A repair attempt fit be a joke wey break the tension, a hand on a shoulder, a softer voice, a plain "I no like how dis dey go." E no gats be elegant. E just gats be a signal wey dey say I still want us, even right now, even vex.

Wetin dey make a repair land na whether the other person reach back. You fit offer the olive branch perfectly and have am ignored, and dat dey pain. So dis part dey take both of una. When your partner make an awkward attempt to soften things, dat clumsy joke or dat half-apology worth more pass e look. To accept a repair wey you no think say e good enough na im own act of love.

The other half na wetin dey happen once the heat don go. No let a real fight just evaporate without ever naming wetin e be about. A day or two later, when una two calm, e worth to circle back. No be to relitigate who dey right. To say the quiet part: "I think say I get so upset because I feel like I dey do all of am alone." Dat sentence, said for peacetime, na the one wey actually dey move a perpetual problem. Na the one wey you no fit reach while you dey flooded. Plenty couples never get am because the relief of the fight ending feel like enough. E no be, quite. The fight ending dey stop the bleeding. The conversation afterward na wetin dey close the wound.

A few things wey dey help a repair stick:

• Lead with your own part. "I dey harsh, and I sorry" dey disarm almost everybody. E dey cost you nothing wey you no fit afford.
• No demand the apology back on the spot. Offer your own and let their own come in im own time.
• Name the underlying thing once you calm, gently, as information about you rather than an accusation about dem.
• Decide together, out loud, say the issue na the problem, no be each other. Two people against a problem dey beat two people against each other every time.

When the same fight just no go end

Some perpetual problems fit be lived with once you fit talk about dem kindly. Others dey sidon on top of a dream or a need so important reach say the gridlock no go budge no matter how soft your start be. Dat one worth knowing rather than white-knuckling. If una don dey get the identical argument for years, if e dey leave one or both of una feeling small, or if the conversation no fit happen anymore without am turning cruel, dat no be a sign say you spoil. Na a sign say una two don hit something bigger pass wetin a kitchen conversation fit hold.

A couples therapist no be a last resort or an admission of failure. Na somebody wey dem train to help una find the thing under the thing when una too close to am to see am yourselves, and to keep una two regulated enough to actually talk. Plenty people wey love each other reach dis point. To ask for help na wetin people wey intend to stay together dey do.

And if the fighting ever stop to feel like conflict and start to feel like say una no dey safe, dat na a different conversation, and e no be one to manage alone. Reach out to somebody wey you trust or a professional wey fit help you think am through.

The next time the dishes blow up out of nowhere, try to stay curious for one extra second. The dishes na loud, but dem rarely na the point. The point na usually quieter, dey stand just behind dem, dey hope say you go notice say e dey there.

Sources

• The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
• American Psychological Association, Happy Couples: How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy
• National Center for Biotechnology Information, Breaking the cycle of emotional flooding in couple's conflict