How to Ask for Wetin You Need Without Starting Fight

You don probably practice am for bathroom. The thing wey you need tell your partner, your oga, your mama, the padi wey dey always cancel. You sabi exactly wetin you wan talk. But when the time reach, e go either comot anyhow and the whole thing turn to fight, or you go swallow am again and carry am for another one week.

Plenty people think say na only those two options dey. Blow up or keep quiet. No be so. Third way dey to do dis thing, and wetin make e different from the other two no be your mind or the words wey you use. Na almost the first ten seconds be the whole matter.

Why plenty request dey turn to fight

When you finally bring up something wey dey worry you, the other person brain go quick-quick check whether na danger, before dem even understand your words. If the way you open your mouth sound like attack, dem go put up guard, and now una no dey talk again. Una don enter face-off. Dem defend, you push harder, and the real need wey you come talk go bury under who start am.

The couples researchers John and Julie Gottman spend years dey record how people dey actually argue. One of their clearest finding almost dey unfair for how simple e be: a conversation dey usually end for the same note wey e start. Start harsh and you go finish at least as tense as you start, most times worse. Start gently and you get real chance. For their long-term studies, how a hard talk take open predict plenty about how e go land.

Oddly, na good news be dat. E mean say the part wey matter pass na the part wey you fit plan. You no need control the whole conversation. Na the start you mostly need control.

The line wey dey between complaint and attack

See one difference wey go change everything once you notice am.

Complaint na about one particular thing wey happen. Attack na about the kind person wey somebody be. "Dem leave the kitchen scatter again" na complaint. "You too lazy" na attack. Both fit come from the same vex, but dem dey land for two completely different place. Complaint dey give the other person something to fix. Attack dey give dem something to defend.

The Gottman people dey call the gentle version "soft start-up," and the reason wey e dey work na because e dey jump the danger-check. You dey name one situation and wetin e do you, no be say you carry the other person go court. Dem fit hear you, because you never give dem reason to prepare for war.

The trap wey you suppose watch na attack wey dress like complaint. "I feel like say you no dey ever listen to me" sound like I-statement, but na really "you no dey listen" wey wear costume, and the other person go hear am as the accuse wey e be. The word *feel* no dey wash away judgement. If wetin follow "I feel" na actually verdict about dem, e still be attack.

One simple shape for how to ask

When you no sure how to start, e dey help to get one shape wey you fit lean on. Cleveland Clinic dey teach one clean three-part one, and doctors dey use different version of am every time because e dey keep you for your own lane instead of make una dey argue about their own. Three moves:

1. Name the situation. Just the plain facts. "The last three weekends, our plan change for last minute." No be your own reason why. Na the thing wey actually happen.
2. Talk how e take affect you. Na your feeling be dis, and na the part wey nobody fit argue. Dem fit doubt the facts; dem no fit tell you say you no feel like say dem leave you out or say e tire you or say you no important. Start am with "I." "I feel like say I no be priority."
3. Ask am, clear and specific. Na dis step people dey skip, and na the whole point. No make dem dey guess wetin go help. "Abeg make we fix Saturday few days before?" Clear request na gift. E dey tell the other person exactly how to make things better with you.

Plenty conversation dey scatter between step two and three. You talk the feeling, the other person react to am, and before you know, una don dey fight about their reaction instead of asking for wetin you come ask. If e happen so, you fit just go back to the top. The shape na something wey you fit return to when things dey shake.

Notice wetin no dey here: no blame, no "always," no "never," no history lesson about the last six times. You dey describe one thing, one feeling, one request. Na dat small focus dey stop am from turning to fight about everything.

Before you open your mouth

Few things dey make the ask land far better, and most of dem dey happen before you even talk one word.

Choose your time. The same sentence wey go dey okay for calm Tuesday evening go blow up when one of una dey hungry, tire, or don already vex about another thing. If the feeling still hot, give am small time. One of the Cleveland Clinic psychologists talk say sometimes make you wait one or two days so you go talk from clear mind instead of from vex. The need go still dey tomorrow, and you go talk am better.

Know wetin you actually dey ask for. "I want make you care more" no be something wey anybody fit act on. "I go like make you text me if you go late pass fifteen minutes" na something dem fit act on. The clearer the request, the easier e dey to say yes to am.

Watch your body, no be only your words. Calm voice, foot wey plant well, and shoulder wey drop dey talk *I no come here to fight* louder pass any sentence. If you dey waka up and down and your body tight, the other person go read danger before dem hear wetin you talk.

And allow yourself to say no when na your turn. Mayo Clinic talk say plenty stress dey come from carrying too much because you no fit refuse. "No, I no fit take dat one now" na complete answer. You no owe anybody one whole paragraph of explanation before you protect your own time.

Why e worth the small discomfort

E fit feel like say you dey selfish, to dey ask for things. Plenty of us learn quietly say the good, easy, lovable thing na to need less and absorb more. So we go quiet, swallow the request, and call am say we no dey give wahala.

The price go show later. Need wey you no talk no dey disappear. E go turn to grudge, to the sharp comment wey come from nowhere, to a slow distance wey you no fit explain well. Mayo Clinic dey call assertiveness real stress-management skill, and na true. To talk the true thing with kindness, early, go cost you few minutes of discomfort. Not talking am go cost you the relationship small small.

To dey assertive no mean say you dey aggressive. Aggression dey run person over to get wetin e want. Passive dey rub itself out just to keep peace. Assertiveness dey do the harder, better thing: e dey hold your own need and the other person own as both real at the same time. Dem allow you to want something. Dem allow dem to say no. The conversation na how una go find out.

Start with the small-small things. Send back the wrong coffee order. Tell your padi say you prefer Sunday pass Saturday. The small practice dey build the muscle wey you go need for the conversation wey really dey fear you. You no dey learn to win argument. You dey learn make people sabi the real you.

When the ask no be the real problem

Sometimes na no be the technique be the missing piece. If to ask for even the smallest thing dey fill you with fear, or if to talk out don always make dem punish you, silence you, or hurt you, dat one worth make you take am serious instead of pushing through alone. Good therapist fit help you sort out where the fear dey come from and practice for place wey safe. And if any part of you no feel safe to dey honest with one particular person, trust dat signal. Some situation need support and plan, no be better opening line. To reach out for help there no be say your mind fail. Na the assertive move be dat.

Source dem

• Mayo Clinic, Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better
• Cleveland Clinic, How To Become More Assertive
• The Gottman Institute, How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up