Quick tips
- Hold the fix, just listen first.
- Ask one open question, then wait.
- Allow the silence sit small.
Somebody wey you love dey tell you about one rough day. Before the person reach half, you don already get the answer. You don try talk to your manager? Maybe set boundary. You suppose really go see person about dat one. The words don comot before you even think am, and you dey watch as the other person face just fall small. Dem want make you understand am. Na to-do list you hand dem.
Dis thing dey happen to almost everybody, and na from love e dey usually come. When person wey we care about dey pain, we dey feel the discomfort too, and to fix am na how we dey try make the discomfort stop. The wahala be say fast solution dey often tell the other person say their feeling na problem wey dem suppose solve instead of something wey worth make you sidon with am. So dem go stop to dey share. No be say you give the wrong advice. Na because dem never finish being heard.
Good listening na skill, and like most skill, na small-small habit wey you fit practice dey build am. See wetin actually dey make difference.
Why the fix dey backfire
One quiet assumption dey under advice-giving: say the whole point of the conversation na to reach result. Sometimes na so. Most times no be so. Plenty times the person don already sabi wetin dem probably suppose do. Wetin dem no get na the feeling say somebody understand why e hard.
When you jump to fix, plenty things go wrong at once. You dey show say you don stop to listen and don start to prepare your judgement. You dey imply say the problem simple pass how e feel to dem. And you dey put yourself one step above dem, the calm expert on top their mess, wey na rarely how anybody want feel for middle of struggle.
Doctors wey dey study dis thing dey describe active listening as two-way process, and one big part of am na to hold your judgement, to hear the whole message before you answer. Dat last part matter pass how e sound. Most of us dey start to arrange our reply while the other person still dey talk, wey mean say we no dey really listen again. Na wait we dey wait.
Listening dey more active pass how e look
Old picture dey of good listener as somebody wey dey sidon quiet, dey nod, and dey stay out of the way. Research dey complicate dat one. For one study of thousands of people, leadership researchers Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman find say the listeners wey dem rate as the best no be the silent sponge wey dey soak up every word. Dem be more like trampoline: dem dey take in wetin you talk and give something back wey add energy to the conversation. The people wey dem regard as the strongest listeners dey ask questions wey gently open things up, and dem dey make the exchange feel safe and supportive instead of like exam.
Dat one change the job. You no dey try disappear. You dey try help the other person think and feel their way through wetin dey their mind. Curiosity dey do dat. Advice dey usually shut am down.
Wetin to do instead
None of dis mean say you must be therapist or say you no fit ever offer useful thought. E mean say make you lead with understanding and allow help come later, if e come at all. Few things wey genuinely dey help:
- Put the phone away, complete. No be face-down for the table. Comot am for eye. Even phone wey person fit see dey tell dem, quietly, say part of you dey somewhere else. Cleveland Clinic talk am plain: if e dey there, the person wey dey talk go read am as sign say their words no fully matter.
- Talk back wetin you hear, for your own words. Something as plain as "so e be like say dat thing catch you unawares" dey do two jobs. E dey prove say you dey pay attention, and e dey allow dem correct you if you get am wrong. Dis one move, to reflect and put am for your own words, dey show for nearly every serious guide to listening, and na for reason.
- Ask one open question instead of offering one answer. "Wetin be the hardest part of am for you?" or "Wetin you wish go happen?" dey keep the door open. Closed question and advice, the two of dem dey close am.
- Allow silence sit. Pause no be problem wey you must fill. People dey often talk the truest thing one or two beat after the time wey you for normally jump in. If you fit hold few seconds of quiet, you dey make room for am.
- Notice when you dey become defensive or bored, and reset. Your job for dat moment na to understand, no be to win and no be to be right. To name am to yourself, even quietly, dey help you come back.
You go notice say none of dis na "give great advice." Na dat na the point. The advice, if dem want am, almost always dey land better after the person feel understood, and e dey often turn out say dem no even need am.
The things wey dey quietly kill am
E dey help to know the moves wey dey shut person down, because most of us dey do dem without meaning to. Watch for dis ones for yourself:
- To one-up dem. "Oh, dat one na nothing, last year I pass through" and you don comot dey tell your own story. E dey feel like say you dey relate. E dey read like hijack. The conversation na their own; make e stay their own.
- To reassure too fast. "I sure say e go dey okay" fit sound like door wey dey close. E dey tell person say their worry no get permission to enter the room. You fit get hope without rushing dem pass the feeling.
- To interrogate dem. Plenty rapid question dey turn conversation to interrogation. One good open question, then space, better pass five quick ones.
- The silent rebuttal. To dey nod while your face dey work on the counter-argument. People dey feel dat one. If you don stop to listen and don start to build your case, dem fit tell.
None of dis make you bad person. Dem make you normal person. The fix na mostly just to catch yourself, and to choose curiosity over reaction one more time pass how you do am yesterday.
One simple way to ask
See one small line wey dey prevent plenty of dis. When somebody bring you something heavy, ask: "You want make I just listen, or you want help to think am through?" E dey feel almost too plain to work. E dey work. E dey hand the choice back to the person wey actually own the problem, and e dey save you from guessing wrong.
Most of the time, especially early for hard conversation, people go say na just listen dem want make you listen. Take dem for their word. The solving fit wait, and often e no even need to come at all.
When listening no reach
Listening na gift, and e get limit. If somebody keep telling you say dem feel hopeless, unsafe, or like say dem no fit continue, dat one don pass wetin good conversation fit reach, and the most loving thing wey you fit do na to help dem reach real support instead of make dem carry am alone. Stay with dem, take am serious, and help dem connect to doctor, therapist, or crisis line. You no need get the right words. You just need to no leave dem alone with am.
And if na you dey always do the listening and you no dey ever feel heard back, dat one worth make you talk am too. To be steady ear for others no suppose cost you your own support. The best relationships dey pass the listening back and forth.
The next time somebody wey you care about open up, try do less pass wetin you want do. Stay quiet small longer. Ask one more question. Hold the fix. You fit find say to be truly heard na the help wey dem dey find the whole time.
Source dem
- Harvard Business Review, What Great Listeners Actually Do
- Cleveland Clinic, 7 Ways To Improve Your Active Listening Skills
- StatPearls (NIH/NCBI Bookshelf), Active Listening