Wen You Feel Say Dem No Dey Hear You: How To Reach Person Wey No Gree Listen

One particular kind of tiredness dey wey dey come from say dem no dey hear you. No be di tiredness of long day. Na di tiredness of say you dey explain yourself with care, you dey watch am slide comot for di oda person, and you start again. You choose your words. You stay calm. You wait for good moment. And somehow you still finish di conversation dey feel like say na wall you dey talk to.

If na dia you dey, di first tin wey good to talk na say e matter. Wen dem no dey hear you, e no be small tin wey you suppose just shake comot. Researchers wey dey study dis one dey call am one real experience wey dey damage person, wey dey bring frustration, di feeling say dem dey ignore you, and slow slow you dey lose trust. Wen people decide say dem no go understand dem, dem dey often stop to talk at all. So if you don dey quiet these days, or you dey brace yourself before you bring anytin up, dat one no be weakness. Na wetin e dey do person wen dem no dey hear am.

Wetin dey come no be script to win argument. Na set of honest moves for di harder, more human goal: make person wey no dey receive you right now come receive you.

Wetin "To Feel Say Dem Hear You" Really Mean

E dey help to sabi exactly di tin wey you dey miss, becos "dem no dey listen" dey carry plenty tin inside dat sentence.

Some researchers try recently to sabi wetin to feel say dem hear you really be made of, and dem find some pieces. Voice dey, di feeling say you fit talk wetin you mean. Attention dey, di feeling say di oda person really dey with you and no be say half of dem dey somewhere else. Empathy dey, di feeling say dem understand how e dey feel for your side. Respect dey, say dem dey treat you like person wey dem suppose take serious. And one kind common ground dey, di feeling say di two of una really meet somewhere for di middle.

Wetin surprise be say people no dey feel dis tins as separate box wey dem go tick. Dem dey usually feel like one whole feeling, either e dey or e no dey. You no fit usually talk which piece no dey. You just sabi whether you comot dey feel say dem meet you or you feel alone for di conversation.

Dat one dey useful, becos e dey change how you see di problem. Di goal no be to make di oda person gree with you. E fit possible make you feel say dem hear you well even wen dem still see am differently. Wetin you dey reach for na di feeling say you matter to dem for di middle of your talk. Dat one na smaller target wey you fit reach pass to win.

Why People Dey Stop To Listen

Wen person no gree take wetin you dey talk, e almost never mean say dem no send you. E dey usually mean say sometin inside dem don close.

Di most common cause na defensiveness, and e dey work for one way wey you fit predict. Di moment person feel say you dey blame or criticize dem, even small, even wen you no mean am, one part of di brain dey shift go self-protection. Di listening go off. Dem no dey weigh your point again. Dem dey guard against attack, dem dey build dia counter-argument, dem dey find di place wia na dem be di one wey you wrong. You fit feel am dey happen. Di conversation dey tilt, and suddenly na you be di one wey dey for trial.

Defensiveness, for di bottom, na quiet way to talk say "di problem no be me, na you." As long as e dey run, notin wey you talk dey enter, becos to let am enter go mean say dem admit fault, and fault dey feel like sometin wey dem no fit survive for dat moment. Di relationship researcher John Gottman, wey don spend plenty years dey watch couples talk, call defensiveness one of di patterns wey dey reliably sink conversation. As long as e active, una no dey really dey dialogue. Una dey do two separate monologue.

Oda reasons dey too. Some people don flooded, dem worked up reach say dia body dey for alarm and dem genuinely no fit process complex point. Some don tire or dia mind dey elsewhere and dem dey listen with quarter of dia attention. Some grow up for place wia to dey wrong dey dangerous, and dem learn from early to deflect instead of absorb. To sabi di why no dey excuse am. But e dey tell you wia to aim.

Before You Talk Even One Word

Di natural instinct, wen you feel say dem no dey hear you, na to talk am louder, longer, or with better evidence. Dat one almost always dey backfire. More volume dey read as more threat, and more threat dey deepen di same defensiveness wey dey block you.

So di work dey start before you open your mouth.

First, settle your own body. You no fit get steady conversation while your heart dey pound and your jaw tight. Few slow breathe-out, foot for ground, shoulder down. Dis one no be say na just fine tin. Na so you dey keep access to your own clear tinking, and body wey calm for di room dey make di oda person body calm too.

Second, be honest with yourself about wetin you want from dis particular conversation. To make dem understand you? To solve one specific problem? To stop to feel alone inside am? Different goal need different conversation, and "I want make dem finally admit say I dey right" na goal wey almost guarantee say di two of una go comot without say dem hear una.

Third, choose your moment. Real conversation need di two people to get small space for mind. To catch person as dem just enter door, or for middle of work, or wen dem don already vex, dey put di odds against you. E fair to ask: "Now okay, or better time dey?" To let dem talk say no dey buy you one yes wey really dey present.

For Dat Moment: How To Get Through

Wen you talk, some moves really dey change how person wey don close dey respond. None of dem no be trick. Dem dey work becos dem dey lower di threat level enough make listening come back online.

1. Start with di relationship, no be di complaint. Before di hard tin, talk why you dey bring am up. "I dey bring dis one up becos I want make we dey okay, no be say I dey try make you di bad person." To talk your intention openly dey take di conversation comot for trial mode before e even start.
2. Talk from your own experience. "I feel say una lock me out wen di plan change and nobody tell me" harder to argue pass "You dey always leave me out." Di first one na report from inside you, wey nobody fit really argue. Di second one na accusation, and accusation dey invite defence.
3. Give dem sometin to gree with first. Find di smallest true tin for dia side and name am. "Na true say I dey keep quiet instead of talk wetin dey wrong." To take even small responsibility na, strangely, di most direct way to melt defensiveness. E dey tell di oda person say you dey hia to repair, no be to prosecute, and person wey no dey brace fit finally hear di rest.
4. Ask, den really listen. "How dat one take land for you?" and den real silence. Repeat back wetin you hear before you reply: "So from wia you stand, e be like say I don already decide." Even if dem dey do anyhow, to understand dem correct dey calm dem down. People no dey usually continue to fight person wey clearly dey try to understand dem well.
5. Stay on one tin. Di temptation, wen you finally get dia attention, na to bring up everytin. Resist am. One issue, wey you hold gently, get chance. Long list dey feel like ambush, and di person go shut down.

Di Trap Of Over-Explaining

One pattern dey wey almost everybody dey fall inside wen dem feel say dem no dey hear dem, and e dey make tins worse every time. You sense say your point no enter, so you explain am again. Den again, with more detail, more justification, more example wey you pile on top to prove say you dey right. E feel like say you dey try pass. But to di oda person, e land as pressure.

Di more you pile reasons, na di more e dey sound like case wey you dey build against dem, and na di more dem dey dig in. You fit usually feel di moment wey e stop to be conversation and turn to you dey present evidence to jury wey don already make up dia mind. After one point, to dey repeat yourself no be communication. Na begging, and begging no dey usually open anybody.

If you catch yourself for middle of di spiral, di better move na almost always to stop and turn am around. Talk less, ask more. "I don talk plenty. How you see am?" One clear statement of wetin you need, plus real curiosity about dia side, dey do more pass di most perfect ten-minute explanation. To be understood and to make your case no be di same activity, and wen you feel say dem no dey hear you, di second one go quietly spoil di first one.

Wen Di Body Take Over

Sometimes none of dis one no dey work, becos di oda person don flooded too much to tink. Dia voice go rise, or go flat and cold, or dem go start to repeat di same line. Dat one no be stubbornness for di ordinary way. Na nervous system wey dey for alarm, and no matter how you take arrange your words, e no fit reach brain wey dey dat state.

Di move for hia na to pause, wey you offer as care no be as punishment. Sometin like: "I fit see say di two of us dey heat up. I no wan talk sometin wey I go regret. Make we take twenty minutes come back to am?" Di specifics matter. Name real time to return, so e go read like break no be say you dey abandon di person. Den really use di break to settle down instead of to dey rehearse your case. Pause dey work wen di two bodies really calm. E dey fail wen na just recess between rounds.

Wen Di Wall No Move

Na dis part harder to hear. You fit do all dis one with patience and skill, and some people still no go listen. No be say you do am wrong, but becos dem no fit or dem no ready to meet you right now. Dat one na real and painful tin, and to pretend say e no be so no dey help you.

If na dat one be your situation, some tins good to hold onto.

Dem fit hear you without say dat one person hear you. To carry sometin wey you never talk heavy, and you deserve at least one place wia dem go receive you with attention and without judgment, di way good friend or steady listener fit offer. To talk am to person wey fit take am in no be consolation prize. Na real relief, and e dey protect you from di slow damage wey dey come from say dem dey always ignore you.

You fit also adjust wetin you dey expect from di relationship without say you go throway everytin. Some people fit hear you about small tins and no be big ones, or for writing but no be out loud, or only after dem don cool down. To learn person real limit no be di same tin as to accept bad treatment. Na to choose, on purpose, wia you go spend your hope.

And e good to dey honest about di difference between person wey no dey listen well and person wey dey use not-to-listen as control. If dem dey always twist your words, if dem dey make you feel say your needs no make sense just becos dem dey, if you find yourself dey shrink just to keep peace, dat one na different problem from clumsy conversation. Counselor or therapist fit help you see di pattern clear and decide wetin you wan do about am. Domestic or relationship support line fit help too if anytin about di situation feel unsafe.

Wen dem no dey hear you for long time, e dey wear down more pass di relationship. E dey wear you down, your sleep, your confidence, di version of yourself wey you dey carry go everywia else. If you notice dat one dey happen, to talk with therapist no be overreaction. You no need to wait until tins no fit bear again before you deserve support. To make dem meet you, somewia, by somebody, na basic need, no be luxury wey you must earn by to try pass.

Di goal was never to force anoda person to listen. You no fit, and to dey chase am go tire you. Wetin you fit do na to talk for one way wey go give listening im best chance, notice honestly whether e dey land, and make sure say you, at least, no be di last person wey dey take your own experience serious.

Wia Dis Info Come From

• PLOS ONE, Feeling heard: Operationalizing a key concept for social relations
• Journal of Health Psychology, "Not feeling heard" in health care: A critical review of the detrimental effects of poor-quality listening
• The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes
• HelpGuide, Effective Communication: Improving Your Interpersonal Skills