How to Manage Loneliness

E fit catch you inside crowd. Party where you sabi everybody, family dinner, group chat wey no go stop to dey buzz, and still that empty feeling say you dey outside glass, dey watch. Na the strange thing about loneliness be that. E no really be about how many people dey around you. Na about whether you feel say any of dem sabi you well.

So make we start by clear one thing, because the confusion dey make the whole thing harder to carry.

To dey lonely and to dey alone no be the same thing

To dey alone na fact. You fit count am. Nobody dey the room.

Loneliness na feeling, and e no dey follow the maths. Researchers describe am as the gap between the connection wey you want and the connection wey you get. Some people dey live happy on their own and rarely dey feel lonely. Others dey feel am the sharpest inside full house. As one Cleveland Clinic psychologist talk am, somebody wey get few social contacts fit no feel lonely at all, while somebody wey people surround fit dey pain because of am.

That difference dey matter for practical reason. If loneliness na just numbers problem, the fix for be to pack your calendar full. But you fit dey busy and still dey hungry for one real conversation. The thing wey you dey miss usually no be more people. Na the feeling say the people wey you get dey see you.

Why e dey pain reach as e dey pain

Here na something wey fit take the shame comot. Loneliness suppose feel bad.

Dem build us for each other. For most of human history, to dey cut off from the group na real danger, so our bodies develop alarm for am, the same way dem develop hunger to keep us dey eat. The discomfort na the alarm dey do im job. E dey pull your attention toward connection because na connection keep our ancestors alive.

That alarm dey also show up for your body, na why this one no be soft, optional problem. When loneliness linger, your level of cortisol, one stress hormone, dey usually stay high. Over time, that wear-and-tear dey linked to higher blood pressure, heart trouble, weak immunity, depression, and more. For 2023 the U.S. Surgeon General go far reach to call loneliness and isolation a public health epidemic, and note say to lack social connection fit carry risk to your health wey be like to smoke plenty cigarettes for one day. You no dey do too much. Your body dey keep score.

But one wicked twist dey wey worth to name, because e explain why loneliness fit sticky like that. When we don feel left out for a while, our brain go start to scan for more rejection. We go read slow text reply as proof say nobody care. We go reject the invitation because, deep inside, we expect to feel like outsider anyway. Each of those small protective moves make sense, and each one quietly dey tighten the circle. If you don dey pull back without you really mean am, you no spoil. You dey respond exactly the way one hurting nervous system dey respond.

Small ways back toward people

The instinct when you dey lonely na to wait. Wait until you feel more like yourself, until you get more energy, until somebody reach out first. The hard truth be say to wait dey usually deepen am. Connection dey usually come from doing one small thing before you feel ready, no be after.

None of wetin dey follow need make you change your personality. Pick one. Try am once.

1. Reach toward old thread, no be new one. To start from scratch dey tire person. E far easier to text somebody wey you already like but you don drift from. "You cross my mind today, how you dey?" na enough. Most people, e turn out, dey quietly glad say person remember dem. Harvard Health make this one im main advice: the easiest path comot from loneliness usually na to deepen the relationships wey you already get.
2. Make am something wey dey stand. One-off reach dey nice, but loneliness dey reduce the most when contact dey reliable. Weekly call with sibling. Monthly waka with friend. Good-morning text wey una both dey just send. Put am for calendar so that e no go depend on whether you feel motivated, because some weeks you no go feel am.
3. Go for depth, no be performance. When you talk to somebody, try to ask one real question and actually listen to the answer, instead of just dey trade updates. "How you dey, for real?" dey open different kind door pass "How work?" Connection dey build for the moments wey we allow ourselves make person sabi us small.
4. Lower the bar on purpose. You no need best friend by Friday. The gist with the barista, regular yoga class, the same dog-walking loop where you dey nod at the same faces, these light, repeated contacts na real food for the soul, and research dey count dem. Dem dey remind your nervous system say the world full with people and e friendly.
5. Dey useful to somebody. To help na one of the most reliable cures for feeling like outsider, because e dey put you inside something. Volunteer for cause wey you care about. Offer neighbor helping hand. Connection dey grow for side while una both dey face one shared task.

Small word about screens. Your phone fit really help, video call with somebody wey dey far beat nothing at all, and online communities fit be lifeline, especially if your world don narrow. But to just dey scroll anyhow, dey watch everybody else highlight reel without say una exchange one word, dey usually leave most people more lonely. The rough test na whether you comot after you actually connect with person, or you just watch dem.

Dey kinder to yourself while you dey inside am

While you dey rebuild the people part, no neglect your relationship with yourself, because na that voice you dey hear the most.

Loneliness get way wey e dey turn to self-attack. *Something must dey wrong with me. Everybody else don figure this thing out.* Dem never. About half of adults dey report real loneliness, wey mean say the feeling say na only you dey alone na, almost always, lie. Try to talk to yourself the way you go talk to a friend wey admit say na so dem dey feel. You no go tell dem say dem be waste. You go tell dem say e make sense, and say e fit change.

The small acts of care dey matter too, and dem no be consolation prize. Move your body. Comot outside. Keep some structure for your days. Do one ordinary thing wey you enjoy, no be to fill the hole, but because you deserve care whether or not anybody dey watch. To dey good company to yourself dey make to reach for others feel less like rescue mission.

When e big pass ordinary rough patch

Loneliness wey dey come and go na part of being human. But sometimes na the kind wey no dey lift, and e dey help to know the difference.

If the loneliness don settle into something heavier, if you don lose interest for things wey you use to enjoy, if you dey sleep too much or too small, if e hard to imagine things dey get better, or if the isolation don dey grind on for months, that one worth to bring to doctor or therapist. Loneliness and depression dey often waka together, each one dey feed the other, and a professional fit help you separate dem and treat wetin dey there. To reach out for that kind help no be the same as fail for friendship. Na the same good instinct wey dey make you call doctor about pain wey no wan stop.

And if e ever reach dark enough say you dey think about not being here, abeg no sidon with that one alone. Talk to somebody now, a crisis line, a doctor, anybody wey you trust. You matter pass wetin the loneliness dey tell you right now.

The feeling go tell you to disappear. Na lie e dey lie, the same way hunger dey lie when e tell you to give up food. The door back to people small and close pass how e dey look from inside the lonely room. Usually na just one message, wey you send before you feel ready.

Sources

• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The Surgeon General's Advisory on Social Connection
• Cleveland Clinic, How Loneliness Can Impact Your Health
• Harvard Health Publishing, One Way to Combat Loneliness? Strengthen Relationships You Already Have
• Acta Biomedica (PubMed Central), The Complexity of Loneliness