Calming Pre-Social Nerves: How to Steady Yourself Before You Waka In

The dread usually dey show up early. Hours before the dinner, sometimes the night before, you go catch yourself dey run small scenes for your head: the silence after you talk the wrong thing, the moment wey you no know where to stand, the face wey somebody go make. None of am don happen. You don already dey brace for am anyway.

That bracing na the part wey dey wear you out. By the time wey you actually arrive, you don live the bad version dozen times, and your body don dey on alert for all of dem. The good news wey dey buried inside that one worth to talk plain: the hardest stretch na often the waiting, no be the event. Once you dey inside the room and dey talk to actual human, the fear usually get less to feed on pass wetin your imagination get.

If this one familiar, you get plenty company. To worry about social situation for days or even weeks before dem happen na one of the most common feature of social anxiety, and e far pass ordinary shyness. E dey usually start young, often for childhood or the teenage years, and e fit quietly shape decision for long time after. You no fragile. You dey respond to wiring wey take threat very serious somewhere along the way.

Why your body dey react before anything happen

Na here be the thing about the nervous system: e no dey wait for proof. Just the thought say dem dey watch you, judge you, or catch you out fit trip the same alarm wey real threat go trip. Your heart go speed up. Your face go warm. Your hand fit shake small, your belle go turn, your mind go go blank for one funny way exactly when you want am sharp. Those na textbook physical signs, and dem no be verdict on how the night go go. Na just your body dey ready for fight wey no dey come.

The trouble na say the symptoms dey turn to their own problem. You feel your face flush, you assume say everybody fit see am, you decide say that one prove say something dey wrong with you, and the alarm go get louder. The fear dey feed on the fear. To know say that loop dey na the first crack inside am. When your heart dey pound for the car before you go in, you fit name am for wetin e be. This na the warm-up, no be the disaster.

Wetin the worry dey try to do

Most pre-social dread na your mind dey try to keep you safe by predicting the future. E just dey very bad for the job. E dey fill the blanks with worst cases and present dem as facts.

Clinicians get plain name for two of these habits. One na fortune-telling, where you dey treat guess about wetin go happen like say e don already happen. The other na mind-reading, where you decide say you know wetin person dey think about you with no actual evidence. "Dem go think say I dey boring." "Everybody go notice say I dey nervous." These dey feel like information. Na predictions dem be, and predictions fit dey wrong.

You no need to argue your worry into silence. You just need to stop to take dem at face value. Thought na thought. E no be fact, and e no be forecast.

Small things wey actually dey help before hand

None of these go make the nerves disappear, and that one no be the goal. The goal na to bring the volume down enough say you fit waka in and be yourself. Pick one or two. To try all of dem at once na e own kind of pressure.

1. Slow your exhale before you go in. Sidon for one minute and make your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Long, slow exhale na one of the few direct switch wey you get to tell your body say the threat don over. Three or four of dem for the car or the corridor na often enough to drop your shoulders one inch.
2. Name the worry, then test am. Catch the prediction with words. "I sure say I no go get anything to talk." Then ask, gently, whether you actually know that, or whether you dey fortune-tell. You no dey try to win the argument. You just dey loosen the grip.
3. Give yourself job wey dey point outward. Social anxiety dey run on self-monitoring, that tiring inner camera wey dem point on your own face and voice. Aim your attention at other people instead. Decide before hand to learn one real thing about somebody, or to ask second question after dem answer the first. Curiosity and self-consciousness no fit easily occupy the same room.
4. Lower the bar on purpose. You no need to charming. You no need to be the most interesting person there. "I go stay for forty-five minutes and talk to two people" na fine night. To shrink the goal dey shrink the threat.
5. Skip the props wey you dey lean on to disappear. To hide inside your phone, to rehearse every sentence, to stand near the exit, to only talk to the one person wey you already know. These dey feel protective, and for the moment na so dem be. Over time dem dey quietly teach your brain say the situation really been dangerous and na by hiding you take survive. To loosen one of dem, just small, na how the fear dey start to shrink for good.

For the way home, be careful with the replay

One second ambush dey wey most people no dey expect: the post-mortem. You reach house, relief catch you say e don finish, and then your mind go start to replay every supposedly awkward second for slow motion. That review dey feel like honesty. E almost always be cruelty wey dem dress up like am.

The replay na anxiety dey get the last word. E dey pull out the two seconds wey feel clumsy and dey edit out the twenty minutes wey been fine. If you fit, notice when e dey start and decline the invitation. You go. You stay. That one dey count, no matter how smooth any single moment go.

When nerves pass ordinary nerves

Small anticipation before big social thing na human, and no be every jitter need name or fix. But one line dey wey worth to watch for. If the fear dey steer your life, if you dey turn down work, school, friendship, or things wey you genuinely want because the social part feel unbearable, that one worth to take serious. The same true if the dread dey show up for ordinary situation like to make phone call or to buy something for counter, or if e don dey run the show for years.

Social anxiety common, dem understand am, and e dey respond well to treatment. Talk therapy wey dem build around am, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, get strong evidence behind am, and for some people medication dey help too. Doctor or therapist fit help you figure out wetin fit. To reach out no be sign say you don fail at managing this on your own. Na reasonable move for problem wey big pass wetin breathing exercise ever meant to solve.

For now, the next time wey you dey sidon inside the car dey talk yourself out of going in, you fit try to stay one beat longer than wetin the fear want. The version of the evening for your head na the worst one. The real one usually no be so.

Sources

• National Institute of Mental Health, Social Anxiety Disorder: More Than Just Shyness
• NHS, Social anxiety (social phobia)
• Mayo Clinic, Social anxiety disorder (social phobia), Symptoms and causes