How to Survive Breakup: Di First Two Weeks

One particular kind morning dey wey dey come after breakup. You wake up, and for about three seconds everything normal. Den e land again. Di person don go, di plans don go, di future wey you half-build for your head don go, and you gats stand up and be person anyway.

If na dia you dey right now, we glad say you dey here. Di first two weeks na usually di loudest part. No be because you weak or you dey do am wrong, but because of wetin actually dey happen inside you. Dis piece na about to pass through those days. No be to get over am, no be to pass am, just to pass through. Dat one don enough for now.

Why e dey pain reach dis

E dey help to know say di pain no be sign say you broken or say you dey overreact. Breakup na real loss, and your brain dey take am like one.

When researchers for Rutgers, wey di anthropologist Helen Fisher lead, put people wey dem recently reject into brain scanner and show dem photos of di person wey comot, di scans light up for di areas wey tied to reward, motivation, and craving. Di same regions wey dey fire up for addiction. Dat one no be metaphor. To lose person wey you attach to fit put your brain into something close to withdrawal, wey na why you fit feel restless, obsessive, no fit eat or sleep, dey check dia profile at 2 a.m. against your own better judgment. You no be pathetic. You dey inside deficit wey your body fit feel.

One kinder finding dey buried inside dat same research. Di more days wey pass since di rejection, di quieter di attachment circuitry become. Time really dey turn di volume down. E no dey feel like am on day three. But e dey happen, slowly, underneath, whether or not you fit sense am yet.

E dey your body too, no be only your head

Plenty people dey surprised by how physical breakup dey feel. Your appetite disappear, or food no get taste. Your sleep scatter, you dey lie down awake dey run di same conversation, or you dey sleep ten hours and wake up tire. Your chest dey ache. Your belle dey for knots. You no fit focus on one paragraph of email. None of dat one na say you dey fragile. Na di same stress-and-withdrawal load wey di brain scans pick up, dey show up for di body wey gats carry am around all day.

E worth to call because, for di moment, dis symptoms fit feel like proof say something deeply wrong with you. No be so. Na normal response to real loss, and dem dey ease as di weeks dey pass. For di meantime, treat your body gently, di way wey you go do am if you get flu. Lower di bar. Eat plain food if na dat one you fit manage. Drink water. Take di nap. Forgive yourself for di work wey you no fit focus on. You dey recover from something, even if no cast dey to show for am.

Wetin you actually gats do dis week (and wetin you no gats do)

Make we keep dis one small, because everything dey feel heavy right now.

You no need to figure out wetin everything mean. You no need to decide whether una go be friends, whether you make mistake, whether you go ever love anybody again. Those na real questions but no be dis week questions. Dis week work small pass: keep yourself fed, keep yourself rested small-small, and keep some distance from di wound so e fit start to close.

See wetin dey tend to actually help for di early days.

1. Put some distance between you and your ex

Na dis be di hard one, and na di one wey matter pass. Cleveland Clinic psychologist Adam Borland talk am plain: for di early aftermath, watch how you fit reach your former partner. Mute dem, unfollow dem, maybe delete di number for now. No be out of anger or pettiness. Because every glance at dia feed na tiny hit wey dey reset di withdrawal clock and dey keep di wound raw.

If you keep dey feel di pull to reach out, find one person wey you fit text instead. Borland suggest to get one kind sponsor, person wey you fit message to talk, "I really wan call dem right now," so di urge go get somewhere to go wey no be dia number. Di craving go come in waves. E dey pass faster pass wetin you go think when you no feed am.

2. Build skeleton of routine

When di structure wey relationship give your days disappear, di hours fit go shapeless and dat na im own kind of awful. You no need perfect schedule. You need few fixed points. Time wey you dey wake. Meal wey you actually dey eat. Short waka. To go bed at roughly normal hour even when sleep no go come easily.

Di point no be productivity. Na say small, repeatable actions dey give you handhold when everything else dey feel like say e dey slide. Each one wey you complete na quiet small proof say you fit still run your own life.

3. Move your body, even small

Dis one sound like di last thing wey you wan hear and one of di most reliable things wey dey work. Di NHS note say regular movement fit lift your mood, and say you no need gym or plan. Even brisk ten-minute waka fit clear your head and ease di tension small. Movement dey give your brain different, healthier source of di chemistry wey e dey currently miss. Waka around di block no go fix your heart. E fit carry you through di next hour, and right now di next hour dey count.

4. Let people in

Di instinct after breakup na often to disappear, to no be burden, to wait until you "better" before you see anybody. Try resist dat. Tell two or three people wey you trust wetin happen and say you dey pass through rough time. You no need to form say you dey okay. Let dem bring you coffee, siddon for phone with you, carry you go outside so di apartment no go too quiet. Loneliness dey make di whole thing louder. Company dey turn am down.

Feel am, in doses

One myth dey say you suppose either cry am all out at once or stay strong and never crack. Neither of dem na di goal. Grief dey tend to come in waves, and you no need to ride every single one reach im end.

Give yourself real permission to feel sad. To cry no be setback. Na your system dey process di loss, and to bottle am up dey tend to keep you stuck longer, no be shorter. At di same time, dem allow you to laugh at joke, enjoy good meal, get one hour where you forget. Dat one no be betrayal of how much e pain. Na healing dey do im quiet work.

If di feelings become too big for one moment, e dey fine to set dem down for a while. Put on show. Call padi. Go for dat waka. You fit come back to di sadness later. E go wait. You no need to feel everything today.

One more thing about di feelings: no trust di conclusions wey dem hand you right now. Grief na loud narrator. For di thick of am, your mind fit insist say you go always dey alone, say you ruin everything, say nobody go ever love you like dat again. Those thoughts dey feel like facts because dem dey come with so much weight behind dem. Dem no be. Na di pain dey talk, and di pain no be reliable witness about your future. You fit notice di thought, even talk "na di grief, no be di truth," and let am pass through without to sign your name to am.

Few things wey worth to avoid

Nobody dey get di early days perfectly clean, so read dis as gentle guardrails, no be rules wey you go fail.

• Di 2 a.m. text. Whatever you wan send when you no fit sleep, write am for your notes app instead of di message box. Almost no late-night message to ex dey make di morning better.
• To use something to numb am. To reach for extra drinks, or anything else, to blunt di pain understandable but e dey tend to dig di hole deeper. Borland flag substance use as real risk for dis window. Be small careful with yourself here.
• To rush enter person new. Rebound fit feel like relief for one night. E rarely dey give di loss di time wey e actually need to settle.
• To dey replay di highlight reel. Your mind go hand you di best memories on a loop. If e dey help, keep short, honest note of why dis end, and read am when di loop start to spin story where everything perfect.

Finding di edges of yourself again

One quieter grief dey underneath di obvious one. When you don be part of pair, plenty of your daily life dey shaped around another person. Who you dey text when something funny happen. Wetin you dey watch on Sunday. Di small rituals, di inside jokes, di side of di bed. When dem don go, you fit feel oddly blurry, like say you no sure who you be on your own anymore.

Dis early stretch no be di time to overhaul your life or to "find yourself" for some grand way. E small pass dat. Na to reach back toward di parts of you wey di relationship fit don crowd out. Padi wey you dey see less. Hobby wey you let lapse. One kind music, one place, one routine wey na your own. You no dey do dis one to prove anything to your ex or to move on faster. You dey do am because those threads of who you be never actually leave, and to pick even one of dem back up dey remind you say you exist before dis person, and you go continue to exist after.

Take am easy. One small thing na plenty for week one. Di goal no be new you. Na to remember di one wey always dey here.

When dis pass ordinary hard two weeks

Breakup suppose pain, and to feel wrecked for a while na healthy response to losing person wey matter. Most people dey find say di sharpest edge of am dey soften over di first weeks, even if di sadness dey linger a good while longer.

Some signs mean say e worth to bring in more support, sooner instead of later. If you no fit eat or sleep for extended stretch, if you no fit function for work or take care of yourself, if di low mood dig in and no gree lift, or if you find yourself dey lean hard on alcohol or other substances to get through, those na good reasons to talk to doctor or therapist. To reach out no be to admit say di breakup beat you. Na to get di right kind of help for real injury.

And if you ever reach point where di pain feel unbearable, or you start to get thoughts of no wanting to dey here, abeg treat dat one as urgent and tell person today. Crisis line, doctor, person wey you trust. You no need to endure dat one alone with force, and you no suppose.

For now, di work small and e enough. Eat something. Drink some water. Go outside for ten minutes. Let one person know say you dey struggle. Di brain wey dey pain reach dis today na di same brain wey don already, quietly, dey begin to mend. Two weeks from now you no go feel exactly di way wey you feel dis morning. Give am dat chance.

Sources

• Cleveland Clinic, How To Get Over a Breakup: 11 Tips for Healing
• Rutgers University, Study Finds Romantic Rejection Stimulates Areas of Brain Involved in Motivation, Reward and Addiction
• NHS, Exercise for depression