Quick tips
- Ask one more question before you answer.
- Find out wetin happen before you judge why.
- See the struggle, then throw a rope.
One manager once tell us say dem advise her, early for her career, to keep her empathy for house. Bring your judgment to work, na so the thinking go, and leave the feelings for the car. She follow that advice for years. Her teams dey hit their numbers. Dem also keep leaving, and she no fit ever quite talk why.
That advice dey everywhere, and e wrong. Empathy dey treated as the opposite of being tough or decisive, as if caring about people and getting results na two ends of the same rope and you get to choose. The people wey dey lead well over a long stretch tend to do both at once, and dem no dey experience am as a contradiction.
Make we clear about wetin empathy actually be, because the word dey stretched until e mean almost nothing. Empathy na the ability to understand wetin somebody else dey think or feel, and to let that understanding shape wetin you do next. E no be agreeing with everybody. E no be lowering the bar. Na accurate information about the human beings wey dey your front, and accurate information na the raw material of every good decision wey a leader dey make.
Why e dey show up for the numbers
The Center for Creative Leadership study thousands of managers across dozens of countries, dey look whether empathy get any real connection to how well people dey do their jobs. E get. Managers whose direct reports rate dem as more empathetic, dem in turn rate dem as stronger performers by their own bosses. The effect hold across the whole sample, and e even larger for cultures where the gap between bosses and employees wide.
That finding worth to sidon with. Empathy no make these managers softer in a way wey cost dem. E make dem more effective in a way wey their own leadership fit see. When you understand wetin actually dey happen with a person, you dey give clearer feedback, you dey assign work wey fit, you dey catch the small problem before e become the resignation. You stop to guess.
Get a quieter mechanism underneath all this. People dey work harder, and dey stay longer, for somebody wey dem believe understand dem. No be somebody wey dey flatter dem. Somebody wey see the real shape of their situation and respond to am like say e true. That kind of trust dey slow to build and e no dey show up on a dashboard, but e dey do an enormous amount of work for the background of every team wey dey hold together when things get hard.
Na a skill, wey mean say you fit get better at am
Here na the part wey suppose free person. For a long time dem assume say empathy na a fixed trait, something wey you either get or no get, set by temperament. The research don move on. Helen Riess, a Harvard physician wey dey study this, don show say empathy fit change. Dem fit teach am, practice am, and improve am measurably, even for adults wey think of themselves as no particularly empathetic.
That matter because e stop to be a question of personality and become a question of practice. If you ever think "I just no be a people person," you don dey describe a starting point, no be a ceiling. The skill get parts, and the parts dey respond to attention.
Some things wey genuinely dey move the needle:
- Listen to understand, no be to reply. Most of us dey listen with our answer half-loaded. Try to hold your response and ask one more question instead. "Talk more about that" dey close to a superpower, and e cost you nothing.
- Get the facts of somebody situation before you read their character. When a usually reliable person miss a deadline, the empathetic move no be to assume the best about dem. Na to ask wetin happen. Often a reason dey wey you no for fit guess, and now you know am.
- Reflect back wetin you hear. A simple "so e sound like the real bottleneck na the handoff, no be the work itself" dey tell a person say you actually receive wetin dem talk. E also dey catch the times wey you get am wrong, wey na its own gift.
- Name the emotion for the room when e clearly dey there. You no get to fix am. "This don be a rough few weeks" fit do more pass a paragraph of encouragement, because e dey tell people say dem no dey pretend alone.
- Watch for wetin people no talk. The person wey don go quiet for meetings, the one whose work fine but whose energy no fine. Empathy na partly just paying attention to the signal under the surface.
None of this require you to be a warm or naturally expressive person. E require you to be curious about other people and willing to act on wetin you learn. Those na habits.
The trap, and how to stay out of am
Get a real failure mode here, and e worth to name am plainly so you fit avoid am. If empathy mean say you dey absorb everybody distress and carry am home, you go burn out, and a depleted leader no use to anybody. People wey dey feel everything their team dey feel, all day, every day, often end up exhausted and worse at deciding, no be better.
The writers Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter make a useful distinction for their work for Harvard Business Review. Connect with empathy, dem argue, but lead with compassion. Empathy na feeling with somebody. Compassion dey add a step: you understand the person situation, and then you turn towards doing something useful about am. The first step dey keep you human. The second step dey keep you standing.
For practice that na the difference between drowning alongside somebody and throwing dem a rope. You fit fully see how hard a person week don be, take am seriously, and still hold dem to the work, redistribute the load, or get the honest conversation wey overdue. Caring about somebody and being clear with dem no dey in tension. Often the clarity na the caring.
When understanding no enough
Sometimes you go be the steady, understanding presence for somebody wey need more pass wetin a good manager fit give. A team member wey dey pass through a loss, a colleague wey seem to dey sink, somebody whose struggle clearly bigger pass work. Empathy here mean knowing the edge of your role. You fit listen, you fit take the pressure off where you get the power to, and you fit point dem towards real support without making dem feel like a problem to be solved.
If somebody seem to dey in serious trouble, you no get to be their therapist or carry am for dem. Knowing your employee assistance program, your HR resources, or a crisis line, and being willing to gently mention dem, na part of leading well. The kindest thing na often to help a person reach the help wey dem actually build for wetin dem dey face.
The manager from the beginning, the one wey dem tell to leave her empathy for the car, eventually stop to follow that advice. Her numbers no suffer. Her people stop to leave. E turn out say the two things don dey connected the whole time.
Sources
- Center for Creative Leadership, Empathy in the Workplace: A Tool for Effective Leadership
- Helen Riess, The Science of Empathy (Journal of Patient Experience)
- Rasmus Hougaard, Jacqueline Carter, and Marissa Afton, Connect with Empathy, But Lead with Compassion (Harvard Business Review)