How To Show Up For People For Hard Times

Somebody wey you dey work with dey pass through am. Parent wey dey hospice. Marriage wey dey break apart. Scan wey dem dey wait for. Pikin wey no dey okay. Maybe dem tell you, or maybe you just notice di light dey go dim behind dem eye for meeting. And now you don stuck on di thing wey most of us dey stuck on: you wan help, and you dey fear say whatever you talk go land wrong.

So plenty people no dey talk anything. Dem dey tell demself say dem dey respect privacy, dey give di person space. Some of dat na real. Most of am na fear. We dey stay quiet because di moment dey feel fragile and we no wan be di one wey go fumble am.

Na di freeing part be dis. Di bar low pass wetin you think. People wey dey inside pain almost never dey remember whether you talk di right sentence. Dem dey remember whether you show up at all, and whether you come back.

Di thing wey you actually dey fear

Unpack di dread and e dey usually come down to one belief: say correct script dey, and if you no get am, you go hurt dem. You dey picture yourself dey blurt out something clumsy and dey make grieving person feel worse.

Dat fear get am backwards. Di clumsy, heartfelt "I no know wetin to talk, but I sorry well well, and I dey think about you" dey land far better pass polished silence. Wetin dey hurt people for hard times no be imperfect words. Na to meet dem with nothing, day after day, by colleague wey clearly know and clearly look away.

As e dey write for Harvard Business Review, executive coach Sabina Nawaz draw useful line between two kind of support: di *doing* and di *being*. Doing na di food wey you cook, di shift wey you cover, di offer to take di client call so dem fit comot by three. Being na simply to dey present with somebody inside dem pain without trying to fix am or rush am along. Most of us dey reach for doing because e concrete and e dey give our hand something to occupy. But being na di harder, rarer gift, and na usually di one wey people dey starve for.

Why being hard reach so? Because e dey ask you to siddon inside discomfort with no exit. When somebody dey cry for your front, every instinct dey fire at once: cheer dem up, find silver lining, change di topic, hand dem tissue and plan. Resist all of am. To let somebody dey sad for your company, without rushing dem out of di feeling, dey tell dem say di feeling dey allowed. Dat permission rarer pass advice and worth plenty more. You no need make am better. You just need make you no flinch.

Wetin to talk, and wetin to skip

You no need script. You need few instinct, and few things to avoid.

Start simple and warm. "I hear about your papa. I sorry well well." Dat one enough. You don name say you know, you don name say you care, and you no demand anything back. If you wan go one step further, try "I no fit imagine wetin dis be like for you." E dey honor say dem experience na dem own, no be version of something wey you pass through.

Now di part wey people dey get wrong. Resist di urge to compare. When you talk "I know exactly how you feel, when my mama die..." you don quietly turn di moment toward yourself, and di other person now gats manage your grief on top dem own. Nawaz suggest say you skip di interrogation too. Avoid "How you dey?" and "Wetin happen?" as openers. Dose question dey force somebody to decide, on di spot, how much dem go perform for you, and dem fit no get anything left to give. Offer your care without attaching bill.

Some few more wey dey help:

• Talk di name of dem person, if somebody die. People dey often tiptoe around am, wey fit make di loss feel unspeakable. To hear "I dey keep thinking about your sister" dey tell dem say e safe to talk, and safe no to talk.
• Swap "Make you tell me if you need anything" for something specific. Dat open-ended offer dey sound kind but e quietly dey hand dem work: figure out wetin dem need, find di words, and ask. Most people no go. "I dey bring dinner Thursday, six dey okay?" dey easier to accept pass to refuse.
• Pick your moment. Hallway hug as dem dey waka enter budget review fit wreck dem. Offer condolences for private, on break, somewhere dem no dey brace to perform.
• When you no know wetin to talk, talk dat one. "I no get di right words" na honest, and honesty dey read as care.

Why one conversation no enough

Na where well-meaning people dey lose di plot be dis. Dem go get one good, hard conversation early on, feel di relief say dem don do am, and then quietly move on. Meanwhile di food dey stop, di cards dey stop, di check-ins dey stop, and di grieving person dey left alone right around di time wey di numbness wear off and di real weight settle in.

Grief and crisis no dey run on business calendar. Standard bereavement leave na often just few days. Di actual disruption to somebody focus, energy, and confidence dey stretch on for plenty months. Di world dey expect dem to dey "back to normal" long before dem be, and di gap between dose two timeline na one of di loneliest place wey person fit siddon.

So di most powerful thing wey you fit do na also di simplest: keep coming back. Set reminder if you gats. Short message weeks later, "I still dey think of you, no need reply," fit mean more pass anything wey you talk for week one, precisely because almost nobody else remember. No quiz dem on dem progress. "You dey feel better now?" dey turn dem healing into test wey dem fit fail. "E good to see you" no dey carry any such trap.

When you barely know dem

No be every hard time dey happen to somebody wey close to you. Sometimes na colleague wey dey two desk away, or teammate wey you never chop lunch with, and you go talk yourself out of saying anything because surely dis na another person place to step in. Somebody wey close pass suppose handle am.

Dat reasoning dey leave plenty people alone. Di truth na say grief and fear dey narrow person world fast, and di friends wey dem assume say go show up dey often no show, either out of di same fear wey you dey feel or because dem no know. Short, low-pressure note from person wey dey for di edge of dem life fit land with surprising force. "I hear, and I just wan talk say I sorry. I dey around if you ever want company at lunch." You no dey claim closeness wey you no get. You dey open door and dey let dem decide whether to waka through am. Most people dey remember exactly who reach out when dem no need to.

Di one caution: keep am light and let dem lead. With somebody wey you barely know, you dey offer presence, no be pressure. If dem keep am brief or no reply, dat one fine. You show up. Na di whole job be dat.

When na you be di oga

If you dey manage di person, your warmth dey carry weight wey peer own no dey carry, and dat one dey change things. Direct report no fit fully relax into your kindness if dem also dey wonder whether dem honesty go cost dem later. Dem dey do di math even when you wish say dem no go: how much I fit show dis person before e go follow me into my next review? So di support gats get something real backing am, or e go read as trap.

Di American Psychological Association recent Work in America research find say workers wey feel genuinely supported, wey get good relationship with dem manager and believe say dem matter to di organization, report markedly less stress and far less sense say dem work na toxic. To feel valued no be soft perk. E dey show for how steady people dey under pressure.

Dat steadiness na wetin di Harvard researcher Amy Edmondson dey call psychological safety: di shared belief say you fit speak up, admit say you dey struggle, or talk "I no fit carry dat one dis week" without dem punishing you for am. Her work don find say dis matter pass exactly when things hard pass, when budget dey tighten and uncertainty dey climb. Di instinct for crunch na to demand say everybody just push through. Di leaders wey dey do better na di ones wey dey make e safe to dey human while dem dey push.

For practice, for manager, dat one dey look like:

• To lower di load before dem ask. Take something off dem plate, extend deadline, cover meeting. No make dem perform wellness to earn relief.
• To dey clear about di rules. "Your job safe. Take di time wey you need. We go figure out di work." Ambiguity na im own stressor, and you fit remove am with one sentence.
• To protect dem from di well-meaning crowd. Sometimes di kindest move na to field di questions so dem no go need retell di worst news of dem life ten times.
• To follow through on wetin you promise. Leader wey offer flexibility and then dey sigh about deadline dey teach di team say di offer na trap. Mean am, or no talk am.

You go get some of dis wrong

You go. You go talk di comparing thing. You go go quiet when you mean to reach out. You go forget to check back. Dat no be reason to opt out of di whole thing, na just di texture of being person wey dey try help another person through something genuinely hard.

When you miss, small repair dey go long way. "I don dey think say I go quiet on you, and I sorry. I dey here." People dey forgive di fumble. Wetin dey stay with dem na di coming back.

E dey help to drop di idea say finish line dey where you don support somebody correctly and you fit stop. E no dey. Na just long stretch of ordinary chance to dey kind, most of dem small and easy to miss. Di good news for dat na say di pressure dey comot. You no need get one big moment right. You dey get hundred tiny ones, and na only few you need take.

Last word for your own sake. To support somebody through long, heavy season fit wear you too, especially if na somebody wey you close to or if several people dey struggle at once. Notice dat. Lean on your own people. And if somebody wey you dey worry about be like say e dey sink pass wetin care and patience fit reach, hopeless, no dey sleep, dey hint say dem no wan dey here, no try carry dat alone. Help dem reach doctor, therapist, or crisis line, and stay close while dem dey do am. To show up sometimes mean to waka with somebody to di door of help wey dem no fit open by demself.

Di whole thing dey come down to less pass wetin you fear and more pass wetin you go guess. Notice. Talk something plain and kind. Then keep coming back when everybody else don move on. Na so. Na di work be dat.

Sources

• Harvard Business Review, How to Offer Support to a Grieving Colleague (Sabina Nawaz)
• American Psychological Association, 2025 Work in America: Job security and worker stress
• Harvard Business Review, In Tough Times, Psychological Safety Is a Requirement, Not a Luxury (on Amy Edmondson's research)