Na Thursday e hear say one teacher from twenty years back don retire, and dat evening e sidon to write something. E stuck for di first line. E sabi exactly wetin di woman do: she tell am once, for corridor, say e beta for dis thing pass wetin e think, and e don build almost im whole working life on top dat one sentence without ever mentioning am to her.
Almost everybody get five or six people like dat. No be di people wey you love pass, but di ones wey make one decision wey change your direction: di person wey open door for you, di person wey call your name, di person wey tell you di truth one time when e for easier make dem just dey pleasant. Most of dem no sabi anything. To name dem na ten minutes work, and to tell dem na one specific memory, one sentence about wetin e change, and nothing else attach.
Who actually build me, and how I go take make di list?
Think in terms of decisions, no be affection. Write down every person wey make choice wey change your direction, and you go usually land on five or six names, and at least two of dem go surprise you.
Four questions go give you di whole list sharp sharp. Who let you in when dem no get any reason to? Who call your name inside room wey you no dey? Who teach you one thing wey you still dey use every week? Who tell you di truth once, even when e cost dem something, and dem correct?
Notice say none of dem questions ask who dey kind to you. Kindness sweet but na different list be dat. Di person wey build you fit dey rough, e fit be person wey only pass your life small, e fit even be manager wey you no enjoy to work under. Di test na whether di direction of your life different because of one decision wey dem make. Write di names for paper. Di list get im own way of correcting itself once e dey where your eye fit see am.
Wetin I go tell person wey I never talk to for ten years?
Three parts, for dis order: one specific memory, one sentence about wetin e change, and no request. Six sentences don plenty and four still fine.
Di specific memory na di whole engine. “You be great teacher” na general compliment and e go just slide comot. “You stop me for di corridor outside room nine and tell me say I beta for dis thing pass wetin I think” na evidence say dem dey there, say di thing stick, and say e matter enough to survive twenty years. Then talk wetin e change, plain, for one sentence: wetin you do next, wetin you dey do now, wetin you for never try.
Nicholas Epley and Amit Kumar report for Psychological Science say people wey dey write gratitude letters dey seriously underrate how sweet di person wey receive am go feel, and dey seriously overrate how awkward di whole thing go be. Di letters land far beta pass wetin di senders expect. Wetin dat mean be say di discomfort wey you dey feel before you send na bad predictor of wetin go happen after, and evidence dey say make you overrule am.
Why attaching request dey spoil am?
Because e dey turn gift into transaction, and di person go feel di switch happen for middle of di message. Di moment thank-you carry ask, di person go start to dey work am out backward, dey wonder wetin di thanks really be for.
Na dis rule people dey break pass, and na am dey decide whether people go remember di message. No “would love make we catch up sometime.” No “I go value your advice on something.” No link, no attachment, no calendar. If you truly want dem help, dat one na separate message for different day, and e go land far beta because di first one no ask for anything.
Di same rule apply for di version wey you send give person wey still dey your industry. Thank-you wey dey also reactivate useful contact na networking move, and networking moves legitimate, but no be dis one. Dis one close for di end. E no get next step inside. Na dat one dey make am land.
Wetin if e don already too late?
Write am anyway and send am give person wey sabi dem: dem son or daughter, colleague, di school, di team. Di sentence still dey do im work, and e dey land on people wey rarely hear wetin di person wey dem lose actually do.
Keep am short and keep am specific, exactly as you for talk am give dem. One memory, one sentence about wetin e change. Families dey keep dat kind thing. And if nobody dey to send am give, write am out complete anyway and keep am, because di exercise of naming exactly wetin somebody do for you na wetin dey produce di next paragraph of dis article.
When I suppose talk am for public instead?
When di people wey fit act on am dey di room. Private thanks na di gift, and public commendation na di leverage. Na two different acts and di two suppose happen.
To name wetin somebody do, specifically, in front of dem manager, dem peers, dem students or dem board na career event for dem wey dey cost you only one sentence. Na also di only version wey other people fit repeat later, and na so reputation dey actually spread. So run di two: send di private message with no request attach, then, separately and for where e count, talk di same specific thing out loud in front of di people wey dem opinion about di person matter.
Version of dis dey wey you fit run on di living people wey surround you right now instead of on your history. Once a week, inside meeting wey you already sidon, name one concrete thing wey one person do. No be “great work dis quarter.” Di actual thing, for one clause, with wetin e produce. Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough report for di Journal of Personality and Social Psychology say people wey keep weekly practice of counting wetin dem dey grateful for feel beta about dem life, and for one of dem studies dem even dey exercise more by di end. Habit wey cheap like dat but dey reach far like dat worth to put for schedule instead of for feeling.
Di version wey dey keep working
Do dis one with calendar, no be with mood. One name per month na twelve people for year, wey go finish your original list of five or six inside di first six months and push you enter di more interesting territory: di people wey dey build you right now.
Na di part wey most people never reach be dat. Di list no close. Somebody dis year go talk one sentence give you for corridor wey you go still dey run on am for 2046, and di only way you go sabi who am be na to keep di practice long enough to notice am as e dey happen. Meanwhile di same specific sentence wey you dey send backward dey work forward too, when you talk am out loud about somebody junior inside room where e count.
None of dis one na running away from di work. E dey take ten minutes per month, e dey make di people around you beta for dem job, and e dey hand you di one thing wey dey harder to buy as you dey climb: set of people wey genuinely dey happy when dem hear your name. Send di first one tonight. Na four sentences.
Sources
- Psychological Science, Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Counting blessings versus burdens: an experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life
- Harvard Health Publishing, Giving thanks can make you happier