Afotusɛm ntiantia
- Look up when they say something small.
- Greet and farewell with a real hug.
- Circle back when you snapped.
Wo hokafo ma n'ani so fi ne foon so na ɔka sɛ, "Aa. Wɔredwiriw aduantɔdan dedaw a ɛwɔ Fifth no agu." Wuwɔ email mfimfini. Wubetumi abom a womma w'ani so. Wubetumi aka sɛ "ɛyɛ awerɛhow, ɛsɛ sɛ yɛfa ho kɔ ansa na ayɛ tan." Anaasɛ wubetumi ahome akɔ na woaka sɛ wo bo retɔ wo yam.
Nsɛm nketewa abiɛsa. Emu biara nte sɛ asɛm kɛse. Ɛno ara ne botae no. Mmere a ɛte sɛ eyi sisi mpɛn pii da koro, na sɛnea wubua no, wɔ asram ne mfe mu no, komm mu si sɛnea mo baanu bɛn mo ho.
Nhwehwɛmufo John ne Julie Gottman maa saa bere ketewa yi din. Wɔfrɛ no nkitahodi frɛ. Frɛ no yɛ ade ketewa biara a obi yɛ de pɛ w'adwene, wo dɔ, anaa nim a wobedi no ne ho kakraa bi pɛ. "Hwɛ saa kraman yi." "Wodaa yiye anaa?" Nsa a ɔde gu wo mmati so bere a ɔretwa wo ho. Emu biara nka ne ho sɛ ɛho hia. Ɛno nti na ɛyɛ mmerɛw sɛ ɛbɛfi wo ase.
Nea frɛ no yɛ ankasa
Yɛn mu dodow no ara susuw nkitahodi sɛ nkɔmmɔdi a emu dɔ, afahyɛ, bere a obi de boa ka asɛm a ɛyɛ den no kɛse. Eyinom ho hia. Nanso ɛho yɛ na. Nkitahodi a ɛkura abusuabɔ mu ampa no yɛ nneɛma nketewa a ɛsen saa a wɔsan yɛ no daa.
Gottman-foɔ, a wɔasua awarefo ho ade mfe pii wɔ Seattle bea bi a wɔfrɛ no Love Lab no, frɛ frɛ no "nkutoo titiriw a ɛyɛ atenka ho nkitahodi." Wɔ ahwehwɛ bere bi mu wɔ aduane bi ase no, awarefo a na wɔreyɛ yiye no yɛɛ frɛ bɛyɛ ɔha wɔ simma du mu. Na wɔredi mo ho mo ho akyi a wonnyae kakraa bi.
Frɛ betumi ayɛ asɛmmisa, asɛm, nsa a wode ka, ani a wode hwɛ, adwene a wonwiei a wotow gu wim. Ebi da adi pefee ("yebetumi akasa anaa?"). Dodow no ara nte saa. Frɛ pii yɛ basaa, ɛnkɔ tee, anaa wɔbɔ no bere a ɛnyɛ yiye. Obi a ɔyɛ ankonam no betumi afi ntɔkwaw ketewa sen sɛ ɔbɛka sɛ "wo ho kasa me." Nea ɛhyɛ ntawntaw pii ase no yɛ frɛ a ankɔ yiye.
Kɔ, fi, tia
Sɛ frɛ ba a, woyɛ nneɛma abiɛsa no mu baako. Gottman-foɔ maa eyinom nso din.
Wubetumi akɔ ho. Wobua. "Aa, hwɛ no." Ɛho nhia sɛ wugyae biribiara anaa wode mmuae a ɛyɛ pɛ ma. Tu a wode tu wo ti, asɛmmisa a wode bua, "ka kyerɛ me bio" ntɛm no nyinaa ka ho. Woreka sɛ: Metee wo, mewɔ ha.
Wubetumi afi ho. Ɛnyɛ bɔne nti, taa. Wo ho di adwuma, wo adwene asɛe, wuwɔ wo foon so, woadɔ mu wɔ w'ankasa wo ti mu. Wonhu, anaa wuhu na woma ɛtwa mu. Frɛ no yera ara kwa. Onipa a ɔyɛɛ no no ntaa nyɛ basabasa wɔ ho. Wɔte nka kakra te sɛ wɔteɛɛ wɔn nsa na wohyiaa mframa.
Anaasɛ wubetumi atia no. Eyi ne nea ɛyɛ nnam no. "Wunhu sɛ mereyɛ adwuma anaa?" "Adɛn nti na woreka eyi akyerɛ me?" Ɛyɛ mmuae a ɛwɔ ano, na ɛyɛ ya sen kommyɛ efisɛ ɛkura ɔpo.
Eyi ne nea wohui a ɛsɛ sɛ ɛma yɛn nyinaa hwɛ yiye. Bere a Gottman-foɔ dii awaregyefo akyi mfe asia no, awarefo a na wɔda so wɔ mu no na wɔakɔ wɔn ho wɔn ho frɛ ho bɛyɛ mmienu ɔha mu aduɔwɔtwe nsia. Awarefo a wɔagyae aware no, na wɔatumi ayɛ no bɛyɛ mmiɛnsa ɔha mu aduasa abiɛsa pɛ. Nsonsonoe a ɛda aware a edii nkonim ne nea ebubui no ntam no nyɛ ntɔkwaw no kɛse. Ɛyɛ mpɛn dodow a, wɔ mmere a ɛyɛ daa mu, obiara buaa ɔfoforo no teɛ ketewa no.
Akontaabu a ɛkɔ brɛoo a ɛwɔ mu
Gottman-foɔ de mfatoho a emu da hɔ di nea ɛrekɔ so wɔ ase no ho dwuma: atenka ho sika korabea. Bere biara a wokɔ frɛ ho no, wode sika ketewa gu mu. Fi ho a, korabea no yɛ tamaa. Tia no a, woyi sika fi mu.
Sika a wode gu mu prɛko nsesa biribiara kɛse. Ɛno ne ade a ɛyɛ mmerɛw sɛ wonte ase yiye. Womfa adeyɛ kɛse koro nsiesie abusuabɔ a ahaw, na womfa wo bo a ɛtɔ wo yam wɔ awia bɔne bi mu nsɛe abusuabɔ a ɛyɛ den. Ɛyɛ nea ɛboaboa ano nyinaa a ɛho hia, a wɔde mmere mpempem nketewanketewa nsesaeɛ akyekyere. Awarefo a wɔn korabea ayɛ ma betumi agyina bere a ɛyɛ den ano, efisɛ adɔeyɛ a emu dɔ wɔ hɔ a wotumi twe so. Awarefo a wɔde nea ɛda mpan reyɛ adwuma no te nea ɛnyɛ wɔ ho biara nka, efisɛ biribiara nni hɔ a wɔde asie.
Asɛmpa a ɛyɛ komm a ɛwɔ eyi mu ne sɛnea botae no si fam. Wɔmmisa wo sɛ yɛ obi a okitahodi yɛ no yiye wɔ ɔkwan a ɛyɛ nwonwa bi so. Wɔrebisa wo sɛ ma w'ani so. Bua ade ketewa no. Mpɛn pii. Gottman-foɔ ankasa wɔn asɛm a wɔde di ho dwuma no yɛ ahobrɛase kɛse: "nneɛma nketewa daa."
Sɛnea wobɛsɔ frɛ a wafi wo ase ahwere no mu
Sɛ wususuw sɛ woafi ho a na wonni adwene a, nneɛma kakraa bi a ɛfata sɛ wosɔ hwɛ ni. Yi baako. Mma nhwehwɛ sɛ wobɛsesa biribiara nyinaa prɛko.
- Fa no sɛ frɛ bi ahintaw mu. Sɛ wo nipa ka biribi ketewa anaa nea enni nhyehyɛe a, fa no sɛ nsa a wateɛ na ɛnyɛ tebea ho amanneɛbɔ. "Wɔredwiriw aduantɔdan no" taa nyɛ aduantɔdan no ho asɛm. Ɛyɛ nsa a wabue. Gye.
- Brɛ gyinabea a wode ma wo ankasa wo mmuae ase. Wonde nkɔmmɔdi a ɛyɛ ma ka bere biara. Nokware "aa ampa?", ani a wode hwɛ ani, asɛmmisa a wode di akyi, eyinom yɛ mmuae a ɛyɛ ma. Akɔ nketewa a wokɔ ho no ka ho saa ara sɛ akɛse no.
- Hyɛ wo foon no nsow. Skrin so na nnɛyi frɛ pii wu komm. Ɛho nhia sɛ wobra mfiri no. Sua sɛ wobɛte frɛ no twe ase yiye ara a ɛbɛma woma w'ani so afi mu.
- Hwɛ ahyɛnde ne afide no yiye. Gottman-foɔ de mu duru kɛse to amanne nketewa a ɛfa adi ne nhyiamu ho, nantew yie, ne hyia a wohyia wɔ da no awiei. Atuu anaa mfeano simma asia, "ɛkɔɔ sɛn?" ankasa wɔ ɔpon ano, eyinom yɛ sika a wode gu mu a wotumi de wɔn ho to so. Kyekyere baako na ma ɛnyɛ nea ɛyɛ ankasa.
- Siesie bere a wotia. Wobɛbo afuw da bi. Obiara yɛ saa. Nea ɛboa ne sɛ wobɛsan akɔ: "Kafra, na me bo afuw wo kan, na worepɛ sɛ wo ne me kasa kɛkɛ." Nsiesie dan sika a woayi afi mu san ayɛ sika a wode gu mu, na ɛkyerɛkyerɛ mo baanu nyinaa sɛ bere a ahwere no nyɛ biribiara awiei.
Eyi nyɛ awaredɔfo nkutoo de, sɛ wobɛka a. Mmofra frɛ nkitahodi bere biara, na saa ara na nnamfo, awofo, ne nnipa a wo ne wɔn yɛ adwuma yɛ. Ade ketewa koro no, a woma w'ani so na wobua no, kyekyere abusuabɔ wɔ baabiara a nnipa reteɛ wɔn nsa hwehwɛ wɔn ho wɔn ho.
Bere a nea ahwere no kɔ akyiri
Ɛtɔ da a ɔhaw no nyɛ frɛ kakra a ahwere. Ɛtɔ da a obi anaa nnipa baanu no agyae frɛyɛ koraa, efisɛ nsateɛ no agyae sɛ ɛyɛ ahobammɔ anaa nea ɛfata. Saa kommyɛ kwan a atim no, baabi a mo baanu nyinaa moadwo na moagyae mmɔden a moreyɛ no, ɛyɛ den sɛ wofi mu nsiesie, na ɛfata sɛ wofa no aniberesɛm sen sɛ wobɛtwɛn ama atwa mu.
Sɛ ɔdɔ a ɛwɔ mo ntam no asa, sɛ nkɔmmɔdi adan animtiabu anaa abotɔyam, anaa sɛ wuntumi nhu ɔkwan a wode bɛsan aba mo ho mo ho nkyɛn ɛmfa ho nneɛma nketewa dodow a wobɛsɔ ahwɛ a, awareɛfo adwene ho ɔbenfo papa betumi aboa. Mmoa a ɛte saa a wobɛkɔ ho no nyɛ sɛnkyerɛnne sɛ abusuabɔ no anyɛ yiye. Ɛyɛ nkitahodi frɛ a ɛyɛ nokware wɔ ne ho. Na sɛ abusuabɔ biara a ɛwɔ wo nkwa mu fa ehu, nkohyɛ, anaa ɔhaw ho a, ɛno nyɛ nkitahodi ho ɔhaw a wode nneɛma nketewa siesie, ɛyɛ ahobammɔ ho asɛm, na wofata mmoa a wɔayɛ ama.
Nanso, abusuabɔ pii mmubui. Ɛkɔm pɛ de ɛnnya kakra. Nsiesie no bɛn sen sɛnea ɛte. Ɛyɛ ade ketewa a edi hɔ a wo nipa bɛka, ne sɛ wobɛma w'ani so anaa.
Nea wonyaa nsɛm no fii
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- The Gottman Institute, Small Actions Make Big Impacts
- The Gottman Institute, The Six Second Kiss
- Greater Good Magazine (UC Berkeley), Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship