You dey stand small inside di door of one reception, you hold drink wey you no even really want, and every group inside di room look like say e don close. You come for reason. Two or three people dey here wey worth knowing, and di evening go pay for itself if you reach dem.
Make we start with di good news. Na arithmetic, no be charisma. Nobody inside dat room dey run one personality wey you must match. Dem dey stand for circle because na circle people dey form, and every circle dey open small gap once every minute. Everything just come down to which circle you waka towards, wetin you talk when you reach there, and when you allow yourself comot.
Na di version wey dey work for people wey no dey enjoy dis kind thing be dis. E dey work for people wey dey enjoy am too.
Which group I go waka go meet?
Group of three. Threes get natural gap and natural place to stand. Pairs no get am, and group of six don already get dem own conversation wey you go dey interrupt instead of join.
Two people wey dey talk usually get subject, and often e private, so if you land for dem shoulder you don become third wheel wey must earn im place. Three people don already form circle, wey mean say di shape don ready to accommodate number four, and one of di three almost always dey half-listen and go happy make something new land.
Waka go di edge, no enter di middle. Stand normal distance for di open side and wait make di sentence wey dey go on finish. No talk anything while e dey go. When e finish, most groups go physically turn to create space, because na wetin people dey do, and dat turn na your invitation. If e never happen within like fifteen seconds, smile and move on. Nothing don happen. Nobody dey keep score.
Wetin I go first talk?
Ask something instead of announcing yourself. “Wetin bring you come dis one?” dey work for almost any room, and e dey hand di group something easy to answer instead of name and job title wey dem go judge.
Introduction dey put you in front of judgment. Question dey put you inside conversation. E dey solve your own problem too, wey be say you never sabi wetin dis people care about, and dem answer go tell you within like ten seconds.
Two or three more wey dey hold anywhere:
- “Wetin bring you come dis one?”
- “How all of una take know each other?”
- “Una dey for middle of something. Wetin be am?”
Then listen well well and ask second question about dem answer. Na for di second question conversation dey actually start. Most people never dey ask am, so if you ask am na di whole difference between dem remembering you as person wey talk and dem remembering you as person wey get interest.
How long I need stay?
Until you don get two conversations wey you go genuinely follow up on Monday. Then comot, whether e take forty minutes or three hours.
Di target na di whole point. Without am, di evening go turn to circling, and na dat dey make dis kind thing tire person and produce nothing at di same time. Three hours of scanning room dey produce pocket full of card and nothing for Monday. Two real conversations dey produce two emails wey you actually wan send.
Read dat correctly. No be permission to do less. Na night wey you convert instead of night wey you just spend, and na di difference between effort and results, di same kind difference you go make about any other work. Set di number before you enter, hit am, and go house while you still like people.
Wetin count as one of di two, decide am before, because for di moment everybody dey grade with generous hand. Conversation count if you sabi one specific thing di person dey work on and you get actual reason to write dem. No be “we gel well.” Reason: link wey you talk say you go send, introduction wey you offer, question wey you no fit answer for di spot. If you no fit name di reason while you still dey stand there, di conversation sweet but e no be one of di two. Continue.
Wetin if nobody remember me after?
Dem dey remember pass wetin you think. Erica Boothby and her colleagues find say after conversation with new people, participants dey systematically underestimate how much di other person like dem and enjoy di conversation, effect wey di researchers call di liking gap.
Di same mistake dey show before di conversation even happen. Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder run experiments where dem assign commuters for train and bus to talk to stranger, sidon quiet, or just do dem normal thing. Di people wey talk report better journey pass di people wey sidon alone. Another set of commuters wey dem ask make dem predict how di same journey go go, expect exactly di opposite and pick quiet. Di forecast dey wrong for di same direction almost every time.
So di working assumption wey you go carry enter no be say you must win people over. Na say di conversation dey go better pass your own reading of am, and your work na to keep am going long enough make e worth following up.
How I go take comot from conversation wey don finish?
Talk wetin you gain from am and name di next step, then go. “Dis na di useful conversation of my night. I go send you dat link tomorrow, you mind if I email you?”
Bad exit na wetin dey trap person for one hour with di first person wey dem meet, and na di real reason two-conversation target dey fail. Exit wey end on specific next step no be rudeness. Na di thing wey dey convert conversation into contact, and both of una sabi say na to meet people di room dey for.
If no next step dey, close am warm and honest: “I glad say I come over. I wan greet two more people before dis thing end.” Dat sentence never offend anybody.
Di fastest way to stop being stranger
Introduce two people to each other. You fit do am within twenty minutes wey you land, with nothing except two names and one specific overlap, and e dey work better for new person pass regular person.
Na why di new person get advantage be dis. You just ask both of dem wetin dem dey work on, and nobody else for di room do am, so na only you hold di two answers. Na all wey introduction need be dat. “Una two suppose talk. Ben rebuild di same billing system wey Priya dey about to touch.”
Keep am mechanical. Two names, one specific overlap, then step back small make dem carry am. No long preamble about how great di two of dem be, na dat version dey make everybody uncomfortable. Di overlap na di whole content.
Di follow-up math dey change too, and e dey change for your favor. Person wey you introduce dey remember you for years, plenty longer pass person wey you give card, and dem dey remember you as person wey helpful instead of person wey dey network. Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn find say even light interaction with people for di edge of your network dey track with better day and stronger sense of belonging, wey be fair description of wetin one introduction dey hand two people at once.
Groups of three. Question, no be title. Two conversations, then house. And somewhere for di middle, two names and one overlap, talk am loud, for people wey no ask you.
Sources
- University of Essex Research Repository, The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?
- Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Mistakenly Seeking Solitude
- University of Essex Research Repository, Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties