How To Talk About How You Dey Feel

Somebody ask how you dey do. You go talk "I dey fine," or "I dey busy," or "I no fit complain," and una both move on. Meanwhile whole weather system dey happen under the surface, and nobody know about am except you.

Most of us sabi that small lie well well. E polite, e quick, and e dey stop the moment from getting heavy. The wahala be say the more practice you get for hiding how you feel, the more lonely you dey become, even for room wey full with people wey for help if dem know. To tell somebody the real answer fit feel like say you dey expose yourself, or like burden wey you dey hand over. But e worth to do am anyhow. No be because to share na some virtue, but because to talk the thing out loud dey change the thing itself.

To Name Am Dey Turn The Volume Down

Small quiet brain science dey behind this, and e dey more practical than e dey sound.

For UCLA, the psychologist Matthew Lieberman run one study where people look faces wey dey show strong emotion while scanner dey watch dem brain. When dem just see angry or frightened face, the amygdala go light up. Na the brain alarm, the part wey dey fire before you get chance to think. But when people put word to the feeling, when dem label am "angry" or "afraid," the amygdala go quiet down, and a more deliberate, reasoning part of the brain go come online instead. Lieberman describe am as to press brake on your emotional response.

Researchers dey call this affect labeling. You fit call am wetin your grandmother probably call am: to get am comot from your chest. The point na the same. A feeling wey you no fit name dey tend to run the show from the back seat. A feeling wey you fit name go become something wey you fit look at, and something wey you fit look at na something wey you fit start to handle.

Na part of why to bottle things up dey backfire. Cleveland Clinic talk am plain: emotions no be good or bad, dem just dey, and the harm dey come from wetin we dey do with dem, no be from to get dem. To push feelings down no dey make dem disappear. E just dey move dem somewhere wey you no fit see, where dem dey tend to leak out sideways as short temper, bad night sleep, belle wey tie for knot.

Wetin Dey Keep Us Quiet

If to open up dey useful so, why e dey hard so? Usually na one of few specific fears, and each one dey shrink when you look am directly.

"I go be burden." Na this one be the big one. You dey imagine say your problems go land on somebody like weight wey dem get to carry. But think about the last time wey padi trust you with something real. You probably no feel like burden. You feel close, and small honored say dem pick you. Most people dey feel the same when e reach dem turn to be picked. To let person in no be the same as to load dem down.

"Dem go think low of me." The worry na say to admit say you dey struggle dey make you look weak. But in practice e dey usually do the opposite. To talk hard thing out loud take nerve, and people fit tell. Wetin dey read as weakness na the cover-up, the brittle "I dey fine" wey everybody fit see through.

"I go scatter if I start." Some people dey stay silent because dem dey fear say the first honest word go open floodgate. Sometimes e dey. To cry, or to finally talk the thing, no be say the wheels dey comot. Na pressure wey don dey build wey find somewhere to go. You no go dissolve. You go usually feel lighter for the other side of am.

"E never bad reach to mention." You no need dey for crisis before you deserve conversation. To wait until things bad reach say you no fit bear just mean say you go suffer longer than wetin you for need. "Bad enough" no be bar wey you get to clear.

You No Need The Perfect Words

Na this thing dey stop plenty people: dem dey wait until dem fit explain am well. Dem want tidy summary, reason, beginning-middle-end. So dem no dey talk anything, because the feeling na tangle and tangle no dey summarize.

You no owe anybody polished report. "I don dey feel off and I no really know why" na complete and honest sentence. Same as "Something don dey heavy these days." You no dey pitch. You dey let one person in.

If even single words feel out of reach, start there. Hurt. Tired. Scared. Numb. Furious. Cleveland Clinic advice almost stubbornly simple: accept the feeling without judging am, then describe am, even with the plainest word wey you get. Na the describing dey help. Precision fit come later, or never.

Where To Actually Begin

The blank space before hard conversation na im own obstacle. Few things dey make am easier to step into.

Pick The Person Before The Speech

You no need tell everybody, and you no need tell the first person wey dey close. Think about who you trust. The NHS suggest say make you literally write down few names, padi, relative, colleague wey you close to. Sometimes the easiest person na somebody wey dey small outside your inner circle, because less history dey and less to lose. One good listener plenty. You no dey assemble panel.

Lower The Stakes Of The Setting

Plenty people dey freeze when dem dey sit face to face with nothing to do except to talk. So no do am. To talk dey often easier shoulder to shoulder than eye to eye, for waka, for car, while you dey wash plates. Side by side dey take the pressure off. Phone call dey work too, if to dey for the same room feel like too much.

Use Plain Opening Line

The NHS offer simple template wey dey do the whole work: "I've been feeling stressed (or worried, or anxious) and I just need someone to talk to." Na so. E dey name the feeling, e dey talk wetin you want, and e dey tell the other person say dem no need fix anything. Few more openers wey dey work:

• "Fit I talk to you about something? I no dey find advice, I just want talk am out loud."
• "I never dey do great and I no want continue to dey pretend."
• "This one hard for me to bring up, so bear with me."

Name wetin you need while you dey do am. People want help and dem dey often guess wrong, dem go jump to solutions when you want company, or dem go quiet when you want make dem ask. To tell dem "I just need make you listen" dey save una both the misfire.

Lead With "I Feel," No Be "You"

When the feeling tangle up with another person, the words wey you reach for matter. "You never dey listen to me" dey put the other person on the defensive, and now you dey argue instead of dem to hear you. "I dey feel invisible these days" dey talk the same hurt without the accusation, and e dey harder well to argue with how you feel. The shape simple: name the feeling, then the situation wey spark am. "I dey feel anxious when plans change last minute." You dey report your own experience, wey na the one thing wey nobody fit tell you say you get am wrong.

When The Words No Go Come To A Person

Some days you no fit talk am to living face. That one allowed, and you still get options.

To write na one of the most studied. James Pennebaker, the psychologist wey pioneer this, find say people wey write about dem deepest thoughts and feelings, even for short stretch over few days, dey tend to feel better and sometimes physically healthier afterward. You no dey show am to anybody. You no dey fix the grammar. The interesting wrinkle from im work na say the benefit dey grow when you no just vent but you try make small sense of am, dey ask wetin happen and why e land the way e land. So write the mess, then write one line about wetin you think say e mean.

If you no wan write, talk am out loud to yourself for car. Record voice memo and never play am back. The goal no be audience. Na to get the feeling from the fog inside your head into actual words, where you fit finally see im shape.

If Somebody Tell You First

Sooner or later you go dey the other side, when somebody gather nerve to tell you say dem dey struggle. How you respond dey teach dem whether e safe, and whether dem go do am again.

The move small pass wetin people think. You no need wisdom or solution. You need to stay, listen, and no flinch.

• Let dem finish. Resist to fill the silence or to top dem story with your own.
• Skip the bright side. "At least" and "look on the bright side" dey tell somebody say dem feeling wrong. "That one sound really hard" dey tell dem say e make sense.
• Ask wetin dem need before you offer am. "You want make I just listen, or you want make we think am through together?"
• Check back few days later. The follow-up text dey often matter more than anything wey you talk for the moment.

To Know When To Bring In Professional

To talk to the people wey love you na the right first move, and for plenty hard stretch e dey enough. Sometimes e no dey enough, and that no be failure of the people or of you.

If the heaviness don hang around for weeks, if e dey block your sleep, work, or to dey with the people wey you care about, if you dey find yourself dey fake "fine" everywhere because the truth feel too big, that na sign to talk to somebody wey dem train for am. Doctor or therapist no be last resort for when things scatter. Na normal, ordinary kind of help, like to see dentist about tooth wey no dey stop to pain.

And if your thoughts don turn to say you no want dey here, abeg no sit alone with that one. Tell somebody today, person wey you trust, your doctor, or crisis line. The feeling say nobody fit help na itself part of wetin dey hurt, and e no dey tell you the truth. You deserve real voice for the other end, and one dey.

The first time wey you talk the real answer to "how you dey," e go probably comot clumsy. Talk am anyhow. The person wey dey your front almost never need am to be fine grammar. Dem just need am to be true.

Sources

• UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
• Cleveland Clinic, Emotions: How To Express What You Feel
• NHS Every Mind Matters, How to talk about your mental health
• American Psychological Association, Expressive writing can help your mental health, with James Pennebaker, PhD