How to Build Resilience for the Long Run

One picture of resilience dey wey dem dey sell plenty, and na lie. The lie na say people wey get resilience tough pass you. Say dem dey feel less. Say when the bad news land, some inner steel go kick in and dem barely flinch, while the rest of us na just soft thing dem take make.

No be so e dey work. People wey dey pass through hard time well no dey feel less. Plenty times dem dey feel all of am. Wetin dem get no be armor. Na footing.

And you fit build footing. Na that part worth to hold, especially if you dey read this one for the middle of something heavy. Resilience no be personality wey dem give you or no give you for birth. The American Psychological Association talk am plain: resilience dey involve behavior, thought, and action wey anybody fit learn and develop. E close to fitness pass eye color. No be say you get am or you no get am. You dey build am, and e fit fade if you stop, and you fit always start again.

The most surprising thing wey the research find

For plenty decades, psychologists study pikin wey dey grow up for really brutal condition, war, poverty, neglect, and dem try to figure out why some of dem still turn out okay. Dem expect to find something rare. Special trait. One gift wey dey rescue person.

Na the opposite dem find. The developmental psychologist Ann Masten give am name wey stick: ordinary magic. For her review of the research for the journal American Psychologist, she conclude say resilience common, and say e usually dey come from completely ordinary human systems wey dey do their normal work. Adult wey dey care. Feeling say you fit affect your own life. The basic ability to calm yourself down and solve problem. Nothing exotic. The protective forces wey dey carry people through na the plain ones, the ones wey almost everybody get small access to.

This one suppose change how you dey think about your own hard times. You no dey wait on quality wey you no get. You dey tend the ordinary things, and ordinary things dey respond to attention.

Why the long run na the whole point

Plenty advice about how to pass through hard times dey aim for the worst day. Breathe. Ground yourself. Pass through the next hour. That advice good, and we mean am. But e get ceiling.

Resilience for the long run na different project. Na wetin you put for ground during the calm time so that the hard time no go carry everything. Think about am the way you go think about money. Nobody dey open savings account during emergency. You dey build the cushion before hand, with small small deposit wey no dey remarkable, exactly so that e go dey there when the bill wey you no see coming reach.

The deposits here na relationships, sleep, body wey you don take small care of, small thoughts wey you don practice to think, reason to wake up. None of dem dey feel urgent for normal Tuesday. Na exactly why dem dey skip dem. And na exactly why the people wey dey keep making dem, quietly, week after week, get more to draw from when life finally test dem.

One long view dey for another sense too. Harvard Health make the point say resilience na capacity wey you fit develop with the right approach, and say to develop am dey tie to real benefit over time, lower rate of depression, more satisfaction with life, even long life. This one no be about to survive one crisis. Na about the shape of a whole life wey person live through normal amount of trouble.

Wetin you dey really build

The APA group the work into small areas. Dem useful, no be as checklist to perfect but as places to put small attention.

Connection

Na this one the research dey always return to, and na am we go put first. The single most reliable predictor of passing through hard times no be grit or optimism. Na to get people. Small relationships where you fit be honest, where somebody go notice if you go quiet, where dem go help you if you ask.

The trap na say hard times dey make us pull inward. Shame and tiredness dey both whisper the same thing: no be burden, handle am alone. Resist that. The deposit wey you dey make here small and no dey glamorous. Reply the friend back. Keep the regular dinner. Talk the true thing out loud to one person. You no dey needy. You dey lay track wey you go use later.

Take care of the body wey dey carry you

You no fit think your way to steady while you dey run on no sleep and skipped food. The mind and the body dey share one set of wiring, and the body dey vote first. Sleep, movement, food, and time wey you spend away from screen no be the soft extra wey you go reach once the important stuff don handle. When things hard, na dem be the important stuff.

None of this need to be ambitious. Small waka dey count. Bedtime wey dey somehow regular dey count. The goal no be wellness routine wey you go abandon by Thursday. Na floor wey you no dey let yourself drop below am.

Small thoughts wey worth to practice

Resilient thinking no be positivity wey no dey stop. To pretend say you dey fine na e own kind of fragile. Wetin dey help honest pass that, and na mostly about keeping perspective when your mind wan catastrophize.

• When something go wrong, ask whether e truly permanent and total, or whether na this specific thing, right now. Pain dey feel like forever. E rarely be so.
• Look back at hard time wey you don already survive. You really pass through something. Notice wetin actually help, because some of am go help again.
• Separate wetin you fit affect from wetin you no fit, and spend your energy on the first pile. To accept wetin you no fit change no be to give up. Na to stop the leak.

These na skills, wey mean say dem go feel clumsy for the first time and go steady as you dey repeat. You no dey aim to think dem perfect. You dey aim to reach for dem small earlier each time.

Something wey matter to you

People fit withstand remarkable amount when 'why' dey under am. Person wey dem dey do am for. Work wey mean something. One cause, one faith, one small daily thing wey dey give the day point. Meaning no dey remove the pain. E dey give the pain somewhere to sit.

If the big sources of meaning feel far right now, go small. One thing tomorrow wey go give sense of accomplishment. One way to be useful to somebody else, wey get quiet way of pulling us out of our own head.

Wetin to do when you don already dey inside am

The savings-account picture true, and e also be cold comfort if the bill don already reach and the account thin. Maybe you no get chance to build plenty footing before hand. Most people, for their first real crisis, no build. So this part na for the hard time itself, when the long run dey feel like luxury wey you no fit afford because you just dey try to pass through today.

Shrink the frame. When everything dey feel like too much, na usually because you dey try to carry the whole future wey no get shape at once. You no fit lift that, because nobody fit. Bring am down to size wey you fit really hold. No be this year. No be even this week. Just the next right thing, then the one after. Chop something. Answer the one message wey matter. Reach the appointment. Resilience for the thick of am often dey look like very short to-do list and the willingness to let the rest wait.

Keep the basic scaffolding standing. For crisis the first things wey dey go na sleep, food, and movement, and na dem be the worst things to lose, because na dem dey keep the rest of you dey function. You no go do am perfect. Aim lower than perfect on purpose. Something to chop around normal times. Small hours of sleep wey you dey defend like say e matter. Small waka outside, even when you no feel like am, especially when you no feel like am.

And let one person in. You no need to explain everything or get the words for am. "I dey pass through really hard time" na complete sentence. The instinct to disappear until you don gather yourself na the instinct wey you go fight hardest right now, because to gather yourself dey happen faster when somebody dey next to you.

Wetin hard times dey actually leave behind

One tidy story dey say hardship dey make you strong, full stop, and another one wey dey darker say e just dey damage you. None of dem na the whole truth, and e worth to be honest about the two.

To pass through something hard often dey leave something behind wey worth to get. People wey come out the far side of loss or crisis often dey describe relationships wey mean more, clearer sense of wetin dem really value, confidence wey dey come only from say dem survive the thing wey dem sure say e go break dem. The APA point to exactly this: plenty people dey report growth as result of struggling with hardship, no be despite the pain but woven right through am.

That one real. E also no be the price of admission wey you suppose expect, or demand from yourself. Hard times dey leave scar too. Grief no dey fully comot. Some change na pure loss, and to dress dem up as secret gift fit be e own quiet cruelty. You no get obligation to find silver lining before you fit count as resilient. Resilience just mean say you keep going and, over time, you find way to carry am. If meaning grow out of that, good. If e no grow, you no dey do am wrong.

Wetin the research dey suggest, gently, na to leave the door open. No rush to wrap ribbon on suffering, and no slam the door on the chance say something steadier and wiser dey form inside you, slowly, while you no dey look. The two fit be true. Dem usually be so.

When the deposit no enough

Na here be one honest limit, and we prefer to talk am pass to pretend.

Resilience no be the ability to force yourself through anything alone, and to build am no be substitute for help when you need help. To adapt well to hardship, even for the most resilient people, usually dey involve real and plenty emotional distress. To struggle no be to fail at resilience. To struggle na part of am.

So pay attention to the difference between hard week and something wey no dey lift. If low mood, anxiety, or hopelessness don settle in and stay for weeks. If you dey lose sleep, or you dey sleep all the time, or you don stop to dey do the things wey used to matter to you. If you dey lean hard on drink or anything else just to pass through the day. If the weight dey feel like more than you fit carry, or thoughts of not being here don start to show up. Those ones no be sign say you no build enough footing. Na sign to bring in somebody wey dem train to help.

That fit be doctor, therapist, or crisis line if things feel urgent. To reach out no be the moment wey resilience finish. Na one of the most resilient things wey person fit do, the same instinct as to lean on friend, just aim am at somebody wey their whole job na to help carry am. Dem never mean say you go do this part alone.

Start from where you dey. Pick one deposit, the easiest one, and make am this week. Footing dey build one ordinary day at a time, and the day to begin na whatever day wey you dey have.

Sources

• American Psychological Association, Building your resilience
• Ann S. Masten, Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development (American Psychologist)
• Harvard Health, Bouncing back from stress