How to Manage Grief and Loss

Some mornings you go forget for few seconds. Then e go land again. The person don go, or the thing wey you dey depend on don go, and the world go arrange imself around that fact whether you ready or you no ready. If na that place you dey right now, we sorry. No clever way dey pass this thing, and you no need to form brave for am.

Wetin we fit give you na honest company and few things wey dey really help. No be to fix the loss. Nothing dey fix loss. Just to make the way you dey carry am small easier.

People dey talk about grief mostly around death, and death na the heaviest version of am. But the same pain dey show up after plenty losses wey the world no dey always count as loss: marriage wey end, work wey go, one bad diagnosis, when you comot from everything wey familiar to you, friendship wey quietly scatter, a future wey you don already start to live inside your head. The Cleveland Clinic describe grief simply as the experience of coping with loss, and e fit follow any event wey break your sense of how things suppose be. If na something wey nobody send card about you dey grieve, e still count. E still real.

You no dey grieve for wrong way

Here na something wey good make you hear early, because plenty people dey quietly worry say dem dey do this thing bad.

No correct way dey to grieve. The National Institute on Aging talk am plain: no rules dey about how you suppose feel, and no right or wrong way dey to mourn. You fit dey cry constantly. You fit no cry at all, and then feel guilty about am. You fit dey serious vex one hour and feel numb the next one, or laugh at something and feel like traitor because of am. You fit feel relief, especially after long sickness, and then feel shame because of the relief. All of that na grief. None of am mean say you love the person less or say something dey wrong with you.

The "five stages" wey you probably don hear about, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, dem no ever mean am to be checklist wey you go complete for order. Plenty people no ever reach some of dem. Plenty dey circle back through the same feeling many many times. Grief dey usually come in waves instead of steps. One wave fit start because of song, one smell, empty chair, one ordinary Tuesday for no reason at all. The waves dey usually space out as time dey go. Dem rarely dey disappear on schedule.

Wey bring us to the question wey almost everybody dey ask.

"How long this thing suppose take?"

E go long pass wetin you want, and long pass wetin other people expect. No fixed timetable dey, and anybody wey give you one na guess dem dey guess.

For most people, the sharpest pain dey soft with time. No be into forget. Into something wey you fit live near am. You go get good days mix inside the bad ones, sometimes much sooner than e suppose feel, and a good day no be betrayal. Na your mind dey do exactly wetin dem build am to do, wey be to keep find im balance.

Grief dey also land for your body, no be only your mood. People wey dey grieve dey often get problem to sleep, small interest for food, and hard time to focus or make decision. If your body feel like say dem wring am comot and e dey foggy, that no be weakness. Na normal physical response to one of the biggest stress wey person fit pass through.

Things wey actually dey help

None of these one na cure, and you no need do all of dem. Think of am as short list wey you fit reach for the days wey you no fit think of anything.

1. Let yourself feel am instead of dey brace against am. To dey push grief down dey take plenty energy and dey usually make am leak comot for side later. You no need to schedule your sadness or perform am for anybody. You just no need to fight am every minute too.
2. Cover the basic things first. Sleep, water, something to chop, small sunlight, some movement even if na one slow waka around your area. Grief dey drain body. To treat your body with kindness no go lift the sadness, but to dey run on empty dey make everything heavier.
3. Allow people enter, even small. The mind to shut the door and handle am alone dey strong, and most people wey try am dey end up more drained, no be less. You no owe anybody brave face. Pick one or two people wey feel safe and allow dem sidon with you, bring food, run errand, or just dey there while you talk nothing.
4. Tell the stories. To share memories of the person, the good ones and the complicated ones, na one of the oldest ways wey human beings dey take carry loss together. Some people dey worry say to raise am go upset others. Plenty times na the opposite. People dey relieved to finally call the name out loud.
5. Expect say the dates go bite. Birthdays, anniversaries, the first holiday, when season change. These fit knock the breath comot from you even years after. When you see one dey come, make small plan. Dey with somebody, mark the day on purpose, or give yourself permission to make am quiet one. To know say e dey come dey take small of im power away.
6. Take am easy on the big decisions. If you fit avoid major, no-going-back choices for the rawest stretch, to sell the house, quit sharp sharp, give everything comot, give yourself that grace. Your judgment dey grieve too. E dey come back.

When the loss no be the kind wey people dey line up to acknowledge

Some losses dey come with food and cards. Others dey come with silence, and that silence fit make the grief more lonely.

A miscarriage. A pet wey you love like family. A parent wey get dementia wey still dey alive but no longer sabi you. The end of one relationship wey complicated, so people go assume say you dey fine, or even happy. Grief researchers dey call this one disenfranchised grief, the kind wey no dey get the public permission and ritual wey other losses dey get. If na here your loss fall, the feelings no small at all. You fit just need to give yourself the acknowledgment wey the outside world no dey give you. Mark am for your own way. Tell one person wey go take am serious. You no need anybody signature on your grief before e go valid.

Children dey grieve too, and dem dey do am different from adults. Small child fit look fine one minute and ask to play the next one, then circle back to the loss days later with one blunt question. That no be coldness or denial. Na how smaller nervous system dey take digest something huge, for small doses wey e fit manage. The most helpful things wey you fit give a grieving child na honest, simple, age-appropriate words (gentle but no be vague, because vague language fit confuse or frighten dem), steady routines, and the clear message say all their feelings are allowed. If a child grief serious, drag on, or start to show as trouble for school, sleep problems, or when e comot from people, a counselor wey dey work with children fit help.

How to dey there for somebody wey dey grieve

Maybe no be you dey grieve. Maybe you dey stand near somebody wey dey grieve and you feel useless, dey fear to talk the wrong thing. That fear dey so common reach say e dey leave plenty grieving people alone for the worst possible time, because everybody dey too nervous to call.

You no need the correct words. Dem no dey. Wetin dey help:

• Show up and stay small. To dey there beat fine mouth. To sidon quiet with somebody na real gift.
• Do concrete thing instead of talk "make you tell me if you need anything." Drop food. Carry the children for one afternoon. Text am "I dey think of you, no need to reply."
• Call the person name and share one memory. People dey often fear say to mention the person wey die go open the wound again. Plenty times the wound don already dey open, and to hear the name dey remind the person wey dey grieve say their person matter to others too.
• Skip the "silver linings." Anything wey start with "at least," "everything dey happen for a reason," "dem dey for better place" dey usually land like dismissal even when you mean am with kindness. "I sorry well well. I dey here." na plenty already.
• Keep show up after the first few weeks, when the food stop and the calls reduce but the grief still dey very much there.

Wetin grief no be

E no be problem wey you go solve, and e no be sign say you fail if e linger. No finish line dey where you officially "don pass am," and you fit no even want one. Most people no dey move on from loss, na more like say dem slowly grow one life wey wide enough to hold am.

People wey mean well go sometimes rush you. Dem go suggest say you suppose don reach far, or give you one neat phrase wey land wrong. Dem mean to help. You get right to thank dem and still keep dey grieve for your own pace.

When to reach for more help

Grief no be mental illness. Na the natural cost of when you care about somebody or something. For most people, even though e no dey ever fully disappear, e dey gradually loosen im grip enough to let life come back in.

But for some people, e dey stay locked for full intensity and dey stop dem from functioning. Doctors get name for this one now: prolonged grief disorder. The marker no be how sad you dey. Na how stuck and how disabling the grief stay over long stretch. The American Psychiatric Association note say this diagnosis generally dey apply when the loss happen at least one year ago for adult (six months for child or teen), and intense symptoms don dey show almost every day for at least the past one month. Signs fit include a deep feeling of disbelief say the loss real, feeling like say part of yourself don die, inability to engage with anybody or anything, and grief wey dey so all-consuming reach say ordinary life dey stay out of reach long after.

If that one sound like where you dey, abeg know say dem fit treat am, and to reach out na strong move, no be failure to cope. Therapists dey use specific, well-tested approaches for grief wey no go lift on im own. A good first step na to talk to your doctor or a grief counselor.

Some things no suppose wait for any timeline. Reach out for help right away if you no fit pass through daily life at all, if you dey lean hard on alcohol or other substances to dull the pain, or if you find yourself dey think say you no wan dey here, or say the people wey you love go better if you no dey. Those thoughts fit come with deep grief, and na sign to talk to somebody now, no be later. You no need to explain am perfectly. You just need to tell one real person, or a crisis line, say you dey struggle.

Grief dey ask plenty from you, and e dey ask am when you get the least to give. Dey patient with yourself the same way you go dey patient with somebody wey you love wey dey hurt this much. You get right to take am slow. You get right to still dey sad for long time. And you no need to carry am by yourself, even for the days wey e feel like say na you dey carry am.

Sources

• National Institute on Aging (NIH), Coping With Grief and Loss
• Cleveland Clinic, Grief: What It Is, Types, Symptoms & How To Cope
• American Psychiatric Association, Prolonged Grief Disorder