How to Waka Through Big Life Changes Without Losing Yourself

The boxes don unpack. The paperwork don sign. On paper, the change don finish. But weeks later you still dey feel somehow, no be like yourself, tired for way wey sleep no dey fix, dey snap at people wey you love, dey cry over one song for supermarket. You fit dey tell yourself say you for don settle by now. You never, and that one normal.

Big changes no dey end when the event end. The event na the easy part to measure. The adjustment na the slow, invisible part, and e dey run on im own clock.

This one true even when the change na one wey you wanted. Promotion wey you fight for. Move wey you choose. Wedding, baby, retirement wey you don dey wait tey. We dey assume say good change dey feel good and na only bad change dey hard. The body no dey sort am that way.

Why even good change dey tire you out

For the 1960s, two researchers build one scale of stressful life events and ask big group of people to rate how much each one shake up their normal routine. The striking finding, wey dem confirm again for one 2023 update of that scale, na say the stress dey come from the size of the change itself, no be from whether the change welcome or not. Marriage score high. Retirement too. Researchers dey call am social readjustment, the sheer amount wey your daily life gats reorganize, and happy event fit demand as much of am as painful one.

That reframe dey help. If you don dey confused about why change wey you wanted leave you frazzled, na this be the answer. You no dey ungrateful. You dey readjust. Your routines, your roles, the dozens of small automatic decisions wey use to run on their own, all of am gats rebuild, and to rebuild dey take fuel.

Quieter cost dey too. Change often mean loss, even when e be step up. The new job mean say you go leave the team wey you sabi. The bigger house mean say the old neighbors don go. Under the logistics, part of you dey grieve a version of your life wey been familiar, and grief and excitement fit siddon for the same chest at the same time.

Give am a real timeline

The single most useful thing to know about adjustment na say e suppose take small time. Most people dey move through major change over stretch of weeks to months, no be days. The fog, the flat moods, the strange unsteadiness, those na features of the process, no be signs say you dey fail am.

So lower the bar for yourself on purpose. You no need feel at home yet. You no need get routine, friend group, sense of mastery, or your old energy back. Wetin you gats do na to get through the days while the new normal dey slowly arrange itself under you.

The goal no be to feel fine. Na to stay steady enough make time do im work.

Things wey genuinely dey help while the ground still dey move

None of these go make big change turn small. Dem dey make am something wey you fit survive, and dem dey tilt the odds towards you coming out the other side in one piece.

1. Keep one anchor wey no go change. When everything new, protect one or two old rituals on purpose. Your morning coffee the same way. Sunday call to the same person. The same waka. One single stable thread dey give your nervous system something to hold while dem still dey weave the rest of the rope again.

1. Name wetin you actually lost. Even for good change, talk am plain to yourself or somebody wey you trust: "I dey miss my old commute. I dey miss to be the one wey sabi everything. I dey miss who I been be there." To name a loss dey take surprising amount of pressure comot from am. To pretend say na only gratitude you dey feel dey keep the grief stuck.

1. Take the next small step, no be the whole staircase. Overwhelm dey come from trying to feel settled all at once. You no fit. You fit find the supermarket. You fit introduce yourself to one neighbor. You fit get through tomorrow. Adjustment dey build from dozens of small, ordinary actions, no be one big breakthrough.

1. Borrow stability from people. Cleveland Clinic, wey write about how to cope with life stressors, talk am blunt say to cope na process, no be event, and say to stay connected to supportive people na one of the things wey dey carry you through am. You no need explain the whole situation. One text. One waka with friend. To let somebody bring you dinner. Connection no be luxury here. E dey carry weight.

1. Protect the basics first. Sleep, food, movement, daylight. These ones dey feel too simple to matter and na exactly dem dey slip during upheaval, just when your body need dem pass. The National Institute of Mental Health talk am clear say stress from sudden life change, wey you no manage for too long, go turn to the chronic kind wey dey wear down your health. To guard the basics na how you dey keep ordinary stress from hardening into something worse.

1. Write am down somewhere. Few lines every night. Wetin been hard, wetin you get through, anything wey feel even small like solid ground. For the worst days, journal go show you, for your own handwriting, say you dey actually move, even when e no feel like am.

When the gap dey close too slow

Difference dey between the normal heaviness of adjustment and something wey don dig in and no dey lift.

Watch for these. The distress big well well pass wetin the situation suppose call for, and e no dey ease as the weeks dey pass. You no fit function the way you need to, for work, for house, with the people wey dey depend on you. You dey pull away from everybody. You dey lean on alcohol or other substances to get through. Or the low mood don tip into hopelessness, into feeling like burden, into thoughts say you no wan dey here.

If any of that one true, abeg treat am as reason to reach out, no be verdict on your strength. Doctor or therapist fit tell the difference between ordinary adjustment and something like adjustment disorder or depression, and both dey respond well to support. To talk to professional during hard transition na one of the most ordinary, sensible things wey person fit do. Na wetin the strong people wey you admire dey quietly do too.

And if the thoughts don turn dark, if part of you dey wonder whether the people for your life go better off without you, no siddon alone with that one. Tell somebody today, or reach out to crisis line. You fit dey real pain and still worth helping. The two dey true at once.

The version of you wey dey the other side of this change never exist yet. Na the hard part be that and, on another day, na the hopeful one. You no stuck. You dey the middle. Middle always dey feel like this.

Sources

• PLoS One (via PubMed Central), The social readjustment rating scale: Updated and modernised
• Cleveland Clinic, Stress: Coping With Life's Stressors
• National Institute of Mental Health, I'm So Stressed Out! Fact Sheet