Quick tips
- Name di feeling quietly to yourself.
- Write di hard tin for fifteen minutes.
- Talk say 'no be now', but mean 'later'.
You feel di sting of am and decide, for split second, say now no be di time. Maybe somebody talk sometin wey land wrong. Maybe wave of grief show up for di grocery store. So you do wetin dem teach most of us to do. You swallow am. Keep your face neutral. Tell yourself say you go handle am later, and later never really come.
Notin dey wrong with dat instinct. Sometimes to hold feeling for one hour na exactly di right call. Di problem na wen to bottle up turn to di only move wey you sabi, di reflex wey you dey reach for every time, becos di research on wetin dey happen next dey surprisingly consistent. To push feeling down no dey make am smaller. E usually dey make am louder, and e dey send di cost go somewia wey you no dey look.
Di Tin Wey You No Dey Tink About
One famous experiment dey wey dey explain plenty of dis one for one image. Dem ask people to sidon for room and, whatever dem do, make dem no tink about white bear. You fit guess how e go. Di white bear show up over and over. And na dis be di part wey matter: wen dem later tell dat same people say dem fit tink about di bear freely, e come rush back even more pass for people wey dem never tell to suppress am for di first place.
Di psychologist Daniel Wegner call dis one di rebound effect, and di explanation almost dey funny once you see am. To keep thought out, one part of your mind get to keep dey check whether di thought still dey gone. Dat checking dey quietly keep di thought alive. You go turn to di night watchman for di very tin wey you wan forget.
Feelings dey work almost di same way. Wen you clamp down on emotion, one part of you dey stay on guard against am, wey dey keep am close. Di feeling no dey get processed. E dey get parked, engine still dey run.
To Suppress Am Dey Hide Di Feeling, No Be Di Cost
E dey help to separate two tins wey dem dey blend together. One na wetin you dey feel for inside. Di oda one na wetin you dey show for outside. Psychologists dey call di strategy of holding calm face while di storm dey continue under "expressive suppression." You dey manage di display, no be di emotion.
And na dat be di catch. Studies wey put people under stress and ask dem to mask dia reactions find say di body no dey get di memo. Di outward signs dey go quiet while di inside dey stay switched on, sometimes more switched on pass before. Your face dey talk say you fine. Your heart rate, your stress chemistry, your tense shoulder dey talk say na lie.
Do dat one often enough and e go add up. People wey dey lean on suppression as dia main way to cope dey tend to report more anxiety and low mood over time, and less of di good stuff too. Suppression na leaky strategy. E dey dull di hard feelings small and di warm ones plenty, wey na why people wey dey force demsef through everytin dey often describe say dem dey feel strangely flat, no be peaceful.
Why "Just Push Through" Dey Wear You Down
Tink about wetin to hold di lid on really dey take. Attention. Effort. Steady background hum of self-monitoring. Na energy wey you dey spend to keep sometin hidden instead of to spend am on di conversation, di task, or di person wey dey your front.
Na part of why to bottle up so often dey show for di body before e show as named emotion. Di tension headache. Di jaw wey don lock by lunchtime. Di sleep wey no really dey refresh. Di vague tightness for di chest. None of dat one na proof of anytin by imsef, but na familiar pattern: di feeling wey you refuse to handle dey find back door.
None of dis one no mean say you suppose blurt out every emotion di second wey e arrive. Di goal no be less control. Na different kind of control, di kind wey dey let feeling exist long enough to tell you sometin, instead of to fight am di whole way.
Wetin To Do Instead
Di alternative to bottling up no be to dump am all out. Na to give di feeling small room and small processing. Some approaches wey dey hold up well:
- Name am, quietly. Put words to wetin you dey feel, even just for your head. "Na anger dis." "Dat one hurt." "I dey fear about Thursday." To name feeling dey tend to take some of di air comot for am. You no dey argue with am. You dey acknowledge say e dey, wey na di opposite of suppression.
- Change di frame, no be di face. Instead of to hide di reaction, look again at wetin cause am. Anoda way to read wetin just happen dey? Your coworker snap becos of you, or becos dia morning scatter? Dis shift, wey dem dey sometimes call reappraisal, dey tend to do wetin suppression only dey pretend to do: e actually dey lower di intensity, and e no dey flatten your good feelings as side effect.
- Write am down. Solid research dey, plenty of am from di psychologist James Pennebaker, say to spend fifteen or twenty minutes dey write honestly about hard experience fit help. No be polished diary, just your real thoughts and feelings on di page. People wey dey do dis one don show measurable improvements, including fewer doctor visits for di months after. Di trick na to actually explore am, no be to loop di same complaint, since to rehash di same story di same way na just rumination with pen.
- Let am move through your body. Feeling na physical tin. Sometimes di fastest way to take di edge off na slow breathe-out, short waka, or to shake your hands, instead of anoda round of thinking about am.
- Choose your moment, on purpose. "No be right now" na perfectly good choice for di middle of meeting. Di difference between healthy and harmful na whether "no be now" come with "later." Park di feeling, den come back to am wen you get one minute and some privacy.
You no need all di five. Most people dey find one or two wey fit dem and dey lean on dose.
One Fair Caveat
Suppression no be villain. To briefly compose yourself to get through funeral, presentation, or tense exchange with difficult person na normal, useful skill. To choose wen and wia to feel sometin na part of to be functioning adult. Di harm dey come from to make am your only tool, from to hold di lid down for weeks or years until you don lose track of wetin dey under dia.
If you read all dis one and you recognize yourself, go gently. Most of us learn to bottle up for good reasons, often becos somewia along di way, big feelings no dey safe to show. To unlearn dat one dey slow, and e no dey happen by force.
Wen To Reach For More Support
Sometimes feeling dey too big to handle on your own, and dat one no be failure of willpower. If you don dey numb or low for weeks, if you no fit seem to access your emotions at all, if old experiences keep dey surface for ways wey you no fit settle, or if everytin just dey feel like too much, dat na good reason to talk with doctor or therapist. Professional fit help you make room for wetin you don dey hold, at pace wey feel safe. You no need to wait until e no fit bear before you ask. To reach out early na one of di kindest, most practical tins wey you fit do for yourself.
Di feeling wey you don dey avoid probably no dey dangerous as di avoiding imsef. Most emotions, wen you give dem small air and small time, dey soften and move on. Dem mostly want make you feel dem, briefly, and den let go.
Wia Dis Info Come From
- American Psychological Association, Suppressing the 'white bears'
- American Psychological Association, Expressive writing can help your mental health
- National Library of Medicine (PMC), Reappraisal and suppression emotion-regulation tendencies differentially predict reward-responsivity and psychological well-being