Afotusɛm ntiantia
- Unclench your jaw and exhale slowly.
- Ask for twenty minutes, then come back.
- Open with I feel, not you always.
Wo abogyeɔ ahyɔ mu. Wo koma rebɔ. Baabi wɔ simma aduasa a atwa mu no mu no, nkɔmɔdie no agyae sɔ ɛfa nkukuo, anaa sika nhyehyɔeɔ, anaa hwan na anka ɔbɛfrɔ ɔsuoɔtɔdɔnɔ no ho, na adane biribi a ɛyɔ dada na emu yɔ hye. Wonntie bio ankasa. Woresɔ adeɔ a edi hɔ a wobɛka no ano.
Yɔn mu dodoɔ no ara nim saa atenka no. Ɔba wɔ wo hokafoɔ, w'awofoɔ, wo yɔnko adwumayɔfoɔ, adamfo a ɔkaa asɔm no ho. Na fa a ɛyɔ den no ne sɔ akasakasa ankasa nyɔ asiane no. Nkurɔfoɔ baanu a wɔ ho da wɔn ho wɔn ho bɔpɔ nneɔma ahodoɔ, na ɔsɔ sɔ wɔbɛtumi aka. Asiane no ne deɔ ɔba wo so wɔ emu hye no mu, ne deɔ ɛfiri w'ano ba ansa na woasi gyinae sɔ wobɛka.
Asɔm pa bi, ɔkwan bi so: nimdeɔ a ɛfa wo a wode gyina pintinn wɔ ɔko bi mu daa-daa no yɔ deɔ wɔsua. Ɔnsɔ sɔ wɔwoo wo a wo bo dwoo. Deɔ ɔkɔse sɔ woyɔ ne sɔ wobɛte deɔ wo ankasa nipadua reyɔ ase na woatɔ wo ho simma kakraa bi.
Adɔn nti na ɔko ketewa betumi ate sɔ asiane kɛse
Bere a nkɔmɔdie dane nnam no, wo nipadua taa yɔ adeɔ te sɔ deɔ wowɔ asiane ankasa mu. Koma bɔ kɔ soro, ahomeɔ yɔ ntɔm, ɔdɔ no yɔ den. Ɔdɔ ho nhwehwɔmufoɔ John Gottman frɔ saa no a emu yɔ den no *nsuyiri* (flooding): baabi a w'apɔwmu ahɔte ahɔdɔɔ araa sɔ adwene a emu da hɔ kɔ. Wuntumi nnye nsɔm foforɔ. Wuntumi nyɔ atɔntenenee. Wowɔ wo-ho-ban mu, na wo-ho-ban mu nyɔ ɔdwɔ pa.
Ɔno yɔ deɔ ɛsɔ sɔ wobɛtena ase ho, ɛfiri sɔ ɛsesa adeɔ no nyinaa. Bere a wo bo fu, anaa woyɔ nwini, anaa woka kasa a ɛyɔ atirimɔden a ɛyɔ nokware a ɔbɔyɔ wo aw bɔne no, ɔno taa nyɔ wo gyinapɔn na ɛrekasa. Ɔyɔ w'ahohia mmuaeɔ na ɛrekasa. Adwuma no nyɔ sɔ wobɔyɔ obi a ne bo adwoo wɔ wo ahooɔden mu. Adwuma no ne sɔ wobɔma wo nipadua atɔ ne ho ase araa sɔ onipa a ne bo adwoo a wɔadeɔ wo dada no betumi atena ɔdan no mu.
Nneɔma nan a ɛsɔe nkɔmɔ komm
Gottman kuo no de mfeɔ pii hwɔɔ awarefoɔ a wɔreko, na wɔbetumi ahyɔ no nkɔm a ɔtim sɔ ɔbɔkɔɔ ho hu sɔ abusua bɔn na ɔbɔtena hɔ. Nsɔnkyerɔnneɔ no nyɔ sɔ nkurɔfoɔ no ko anaa. Ɔyɔ *sɔdeɔ* wɔko. Nhwɔso nan pue daa-daa wɔ wɔn a wɔtetew mu no mu, na ɔsɔ sɔ wɔbɔ wɔn din, ɛfiri sɔ sɔ wubetumi ahu a, wobetumi akɔ wo ho wɔ bere a woreyɔ.
- Animsɔ. Sɔ wobɔkɔ onipa no ho mmom sen ɔhaw no. "Wo werɔ frɔ sɔ wobɔfrɔ" yɔ anwiinwii. "Wonsusu obiara ho gye wo ho nkoa" yɔ ɔtoa a ɛfa onipa a ɔyɔ no ho.
- Animtiabuo. Aniwa-twa, animtontɔ, fɔwdie, "wɔɔ, nyansafoɔ." Gottman hui sɔ animtiabuo ne nsɔnkyerɔnneɔ kɛse koraa a ɛkyerɔ sɔ ɔdɔ wɔ ɔhaw mu. Ɔka kyerɔ onipa no sɔ wode wɔ ani si no fɔm, na biribiara nteɔ ɛnkɔtena saa kɔsɔ.
- Wo-ho-ban-yɔ. Sɔ wode anwiinwii anaa anɔdɔsɔm ban hyia anwiinwii. Ɛyɔ te sɔ wo-ho-ban. Ɔdɔ sɔ "Merempɔ sɔ metie wo."
- Ɔfasu-yɔ. Sɔ wokɔm wo ho, woyɔ komm, wofi adi wɔ kasamu mfimfini. Ɔtaa yɔ nsuyiri a afura atadeɔ: onipa no nyɔ atirimɔden, w'adwene ahyɔ ma na ɔkɔ sɔ obɔnya nkwa.
Wobehu yeinom bi. Obiara yɔ bi. Sɔ wuhu baako wɔ wo ho a, ɔnyɔ atɔmmuo a ɛfa wo suban ho. Ɔyɔ nsɔm, na nsɔm a wobetumi de adi dwuma berɔ pɔtee no mu.
Deɔ wɔbɔyɔ bere a wote nka sɔ wo ho rehye
Agorɔ no nyinaa tena ɔkwan a ɛda nsuyiri no ne mmuaeɔ no ntam no mu. Yei ne nneɔma a ɛkɔ saa kwan no mu.
Bɔ nsuyiri no din na ma wo nipadua brɔ
Berɔ a wohu nsɔnkyerɔnneɔ no (koma a ɛrebɔ ntɔm, anim a ahye, ɔpɔ sɔ wobetwa mu) no, ɔno ne wo nsɔnkyerɔnneɔ sɔ ma adeɔ no nkɔ brɔoɔ sen sɔ wobɔmia so. Wuntumi mfa atɔntenenee nya bo a ɛdwoo bere a wo nipadua wɔ kɔkɔbɔ mu, enti fi nipadua no ase. Ɔhomeɔ a wɔto baako, tenten. Nan wɔ fɔm. Yi w'abogyeɔ a ahyɔ mu no. Ɔhomeɔ a wɔto brɔoɔ, a ɛware sen ɔhomeɔ a wɔsɔ mu no, yɔ akwan a ɛyɔ ntɔm a wode ka kyerɔ wo nhwinyhwini sɔ asɔm no aba awieeɔ no baako.
Fa ɔhomeɔ ankasa, ɔkwan a ɛteɔ so
Sɔ nsu ayiri wo ankasa a, ade a ɛyɔ ɔdɔ kɛse a wobɔtumi ayɔ ne sɔ wobɛgyae. Gottman nhwehwɔmu ka no pefee sɔ ɔhome-gyae yɔ adwuma bere a ɛware araa sɔ wo nipadua bɔtumi atɔ ne ho ase ankasa, bɔyɔ simma aduonu, na sɔ wode yɔ biribi a ɛsɔe wo mmom sen sɔ wode bɔsiesie wo nsɔm. Sɔ wofi adi abufuo so nyɔ ɔhome-gyae. Ɔyɔ ɔfasu-yɔ. Nsonsonoeɔ no ne kasamu baako: "Mepɔ sɔ meyɔ yei yie na me bo afu dodo araa sɔ mintumi nnwene. Yɔbetumi asan abɔsɔ ho donhwerɔ fa akyi anaa?" Afei san bra. Bɔhyɔ a wɔbɔ sɔ wɔbɛsan aba no na ɛma ɔkɔ no yɔ asomdwoeɔ.
Fa sɔdeɔ ɛbaa wo so di kan, ɔnyɔ deɔ wɔyɔ a ɛnteɔ
Yei ne nsesaeɔ ketewa baako a ɛyɔ adwuma kɛse. Nhwehwɔmu bi a wɔasua mu a ne din ka no nyinaa wɔ hɔ, "I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way", a ɛsɔɔ sɔdeɔ nkurɔfoɔ yɔ wɔn ho bere a wɔn ho akwan ahodoɔ a wɔfa so hyɔ nkɔmɔ a ɛyɔ den ase no hwɔɔ. Nsɔm a wɔbɔ no atɔ "mete nka" so no daa adi sɔ ɛnyɔ atirimɔden dɔɔ na ɛkɔɔ wo-ho-ban-yɔ a esua sɔ adwene koro no ara a wɔbɔ atɔ "wo daa-daa" anaa "wo da biara" so. Ɔkwan a ɛyɔ adwuma kɛse no yɔɔ nneɔma mmienu prɔko: ɛbɔ wo ankasa osuahu din *na* ɛgye wɔn deɔ tom. Biribi te sɔ, "Minim sɔ woabrɔ adwuma akyi, na mete nka sɔ wɔatwe me mu wɔ siesie no nyinaa a mereyɔ me nko ara no mu."
Yei nni biribiara yɔ wɔ deɔ ɔyɔ mmerɔ ho. Onipa no betumi ako atia ɔsɔmmɔbɔ. Wuntumi nko atia sɔdeɔ wote nka ankasa. Woyi atɔmmuo firi pono so na wode ɔhaw ankasa no si so.
Tie sɔ wobɛte ase, ɔnyɔ sɔ wobɔsɔ nsɔm bio
Hwɔ bere a woagyae tie na woahyɔ ase atɔn wo berɔ. Bɔ mmɔden, ankasa, sɔ wobehu adeɔ baako a wɔreka a ɛteɔ, sɔ ɔyɔ mu ɔha mu du pɔ mpɔ, na ka kyerɔ wɔn. "Ɛyɔ nokware sɔ m'adwene atu nnansa yi." Sɔ wogye nokwasɔm baako tom a, ɔnkyerɔ sɔ wadi nkogu. Ɔtaa twe hyeɔ no firi ɔdan no mu ntɔm sen biribiara, ɔfiri sɔ onipa no gyae ɔko a ɛfa sɔ wɔbete no bere a ɔte nka sɔ wɔate no.
Bere a bo adwo
Ɔko a ɛwie a wɔannya ano siesie pɔtee biara nyɔ nkogu. Akɔnehyiaɔ dodoɔ no ara nnya ɔkɔɔ a ɛteɔ pɔtee, na ɔno yɔ. Deɔ ɔho hia kɔse ne nsiesie a edi akyi: sɔ wobɔsan akɔ, woagye wo fa atom, woaka nokwasɔm a ɛyɔ mmerɔ no. "Na me bo yɔ den seesei, na mepa wo kyɔw." Nkurɔfoɔ kae sɔ wobɔsan aba anaa kɔse sen sɔ na woyɔ pɔ wɔ emu hye no mu.
Sɔ wubetumi a, ɔboa nso sɔ wobehu wo ankasa nhwɔso bere a wonni emu mfimfini. Ɛdɔn na ɛhɔ wo ntɔm pa? Sɔ wobu wo animtia? Sɔ wɔtwa wo mu? Nne bi? Wuntumi nni ɔsɔ a wuntumi nhu sɔ ɛreba no anim. Sɔ wobɔ wo deɔ din denneennen, kyerɔ nkurɔfoɔ a wo ne wɔn ko no, yɔ adwuma no fa.
Bere a ɔsɔ sɔ wobɔ wo nsa akɔ mmoa kɔse so
Akasakasa bi yɔ adeɔ a ɛsen nkitahodie ɔhaw, na ɔfata sɔ wɔka ho nokware. Sɔ wo ne obi a wodɔ no kɔ so ko ɔko koro no ara mmɔdɔɔ na wuntumi mmɔbɔ no a, awarefoɔ anaa abusua ɔadwenemɔɔ ɔdɔɔfoɔ betumi ama wo nnɔɔma ne ɔtemmufoɔ, na nhwehwɔmu a ɛfa abusuabɔ ho nkyerɔkyerɔ ho no hyɔ nkuran ankasa. Sɔ akasakasa wɔ fie anaa adwuma mu gyaw wo wɔ ahoɔyaw, nna mmɔa, anaa ɔkɔɔ a woresuro a, ɔno fata sɔ wo ne ɔdokota anaa ɔfotufoɔ di ho nkɔmɔ.
Na kasamu baako a ɔnnfa nkitahodie ho koraa: sɔ abusuabɔ bi wɔ ehu, ɔdɔɔ-soɔ, ahunahuna, anaa ɔyɔde bɔne biara bi mu a, nimdeɔ a ɛwɔ saa krataa yi mu nyɔ mmuaeɔ no, na ɔhaw no nyɔ wo ɔkwan-kasa. Ɔno yɔ banbɔɔ asɔm, na wofɔ sɔ wɔbɔ wo mmoa a wɔbɔ maa no. Sɔ wobɔ wo nsa akɔ saa mmoa no so a, ɔyɔ adeɔ a ahoɔden ne anikɔɔdɔɔ wɔ mu a onipa betumi ayɔ.
Akasakasa a wɔdɔɔɔ no yie nnwie nkonimdifoɔ. Ɛwie nkurɔfoɔ baanu a wɔte wɔn ho wɔn ho ase kakra sen sɔdeɔ na wɔteɔ donhwerɔ baako a atwam. Ɔno ne adeɔ a ɛsɔ sɔ wode w'ani si so, na ɔtaa da so wɔ hɔ a wobetumi adu so, mpɔ firi ɔko a ɛyɔ bɔne bi mfimfini.
Nsɔm a wɔnyaeɔ
- The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- American Psychological Association, Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
- PubMed Central, I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict
- HelpGuide, Conflict Resolution Skills