Uma usenkingeni noma ucabanga ukuzilimaza, awuwedwa. E-USA, shayela ucingo noma uthumele umlayezo ku-988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, imini nobusuku), thumela u-HOME ku-741741 (Crisis Text Line), noma ushayele u-911 engozini esheshayo.
Amathiphu asheshayo
- Bhala phansi okwenzekayo, kanye nezinsuku.
- Tshela umuntu oyedwa omethembayo.
- Qaphela ukuthi umzimba wakho usabela kanjani kubo.
Qaphela indlela ozizwa ngayo umzuzwana. Hhayi ngezimpi ezinkulu noma izikhathi ezisobala, kodwa ngokuhleveza okuqhubekayo kwangemuva kokuba eduze nalo muntu. Ingabe uyaziqinisa ngaphambi kokuba bangene emnyango? Ingabe uyakuzijwayeza lokho ozokusho ukuze kwehle ngendlela efanele? Ingabe uzithola uthambisa izinto, uxolisa ngezinto ezazingezona ezakho, wethemba ukuthi namuhla usuku oluhle?
Leyo ngcindezi ephansi, engapheli ifanele ukunakwa. Ubudlelwane bungaba nzima ngaphandle kokuba nobuthi. Abantu bayangezwani, bakhathale, balimazane bese bekulungisa. Lokho esikhuluma ngakho lapha kuhlukile. Kuyiphethini, hhayi isonto elibi, lapho ukukhululeka komuntu oyedwa kufika ngezindleko eziqhubekayo zakho.
Ungase ufunde lokhu ngoba umngane usho okuthile. Noma ngoba usuqalile ukugcina uhlwana oluyimfihlo ekhanda lakho lwezikhathi ongakwazi ukuzichaza ngokugcwele. Noma kunjani, awudingi imvume yokukuthatha lokho njengokubalulekile. Ake sibheke ukuthi amaphethini ayini ngempela, ukuze ukwazi ukukubiza ngegama lokho ohlala kukho.
Umehluko phakathi kobudlelwane obunzima nobulimazayo
Bonke ubudlelwane obuseduze bunokungqubuzana. Umbuzo akusiwo ukuthi niyalwa yini. Ukuthi yini eyenzeka nxazonke zezimpi, nokuthi uzizwa kanjani ezikhathini ezinde phakathi kwazo.
Ebudlelwaneni obunempilo, ukungqubuzana kuvame ukuxazululeka. Ungaphakamisa okuthile okukukhathazayo bese uzwakala. Kukhona ukulungisa ngemva kokuqhekeka. Uzizwa uyilokho oyikho ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, hhayi kancane. Abacwaningi nodokotela abasebenza nezithandani bakhomba uhlu olufushane lwezimpawu zenguqulo enempilo: inhlonipho, ukwethemba, ukwethembeka, izinqumo ezihlanganyelwe, nenkululeko yokungavumelani ngaphandle kokuba kube impi.
Isimo esinobuthi sihamba ngenye indlela. I-National Domestic Violence Hotline ibeka uhlangothi olulimazayo lwalokhu njengephethini yomuntu oyedwa ozama ukuthola nokugcina amandla nokulawula komunye. Lokho kulawula kungaba okusobala noma okuthulile. Kungabukeka njengokugadwa nemithetho, noma njengokuguguleka kancane kokuzethemba kwakho kuze kube uyeka ukwethemba ukubona kwakho izinto.
Nakhu ukuzihlola okuwusizo. Ebudlelwaneni obuhle, ungaba nephutha ngaphandle kokujeziswa ngalo. Kobunobuthi, ufunda ukuqaphela kakhulu, kakhulu.
Amaphethini afanele ukuthathwa njengabalulekile
Ayikho into eyodwa ohlwini eyenza ubudlelwane bube nobuthi. Okubalulekile yiphethini, ukuthi kwenzeka kangaki, nokuthi konke kugeleza ngakuphi. Kufunde konke ndawonye, hhayi njengohlu lokuhlola oziphikisa ngokuphuma kulo.
- Uhamba ngokuqaphela okukhulu. Ulawula amazwi akho nemizwa yakho ukuze ugcine ukuthula, futhi ukhathele ngendlela okunzima ukuyichaza.
- Icala lihlala lifika kuwe. Ngandlela thile yonke inkinga ibuyela entweni oyenzile, oyishilo, noma ohlulekile ukuyenza. Ukuxolisa kugeleza uhlangothi olulodwa.
- Uyahlukaniswa. Isikhathi nabangane noma umndeni siba nzima ukusithola. Abantu abakuthandayo baqala ukuzwakala bekude, futhi lelo banga alizange lenzeke ngengozi.
- Umqondo wakho wokungokoqobo ulokhu ubuzwa. Ukhumbula okuthile ngendlela ethile bona baphikelela ukuthi kwenzeke ngenye, kuze kuthi ngempela awusayethembi inkumbulo yakho.
- Ubudlelwane buhamba bushisa bese buyabanda. Kukhona izikhathi zokusondelana okukhulu nokuphana, bese kuba ngcindezi, bese kuba nokuqhuma, bese kuba nokuxolisa nezithembiso, bese kuqala futhi.
- Uzizwa umncane. Ukhathazeke kakhulu, ungazethembi kangako, uhlukanisiwe kakhulu kunanyakenye.
Leso sokugcina yiso esidalula ngokuthulile. Ubudlelwane obunobuthi buvame ukwenza umuntu abe muncane. Uma ungakwazi nokukhumbula ukuthi ubungubani ngaphambi kwalokhu, lokho kuwulwazi.
Amaphethini amabili okulula ukuwaphuthelwa
Ezimbili zalezi zimo zifanele ukubizwa ngamagama wodwa, ngoba zakhelwe ukuba zibe nzima ukuzibona ngaphakathi.
I-Gaslighting
I-gaslighting uhlobo oluthile lokukhohlisa olwenza ukuba ungabaze ukubona kwakho. I-Cleveland Clinic iyichaza njengendlela yokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo "ephazamisa ikhono lakho lokwethemba abanye kanye nawe." Kuzwakala njengokuthi "lokho akuzange kwenzeke," "uzwela kakhulu," "ucabanga izinto," kushiwo kaningi ngokwanele uze uqale ukukukholelwa. Umonakalo akuwona amazwana athile. Ukuthi, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, uyeka ukwethemba isahlulelo sakho, okuyiyona kanye inhloso. Uma usuqale ukuqopha imininingwane ukuze uzifakazele ukuthi awuhlanyi, kuthathe njengokubalulekile. Awuhlanyi. Ugcina ubufakazi ngoba enye ingxenye yakho isivele iyazi.
Ukukhukhumezwa ngothando nomjikelezo
Izikhathi ezinhle kakhulu ziyingxenye yendlela lezi zimo ezibambelela ngayo. Ekuqaleni kungabukeka njengokuhojwa ngokuphelele, ukunakwa okukhulu, izipho, izimemezelo, umuzwa wokuthi lo muntu ukudinga wena kuphela. Kamuva, lokho kuphakama kubuya khona ngemva kokwehla, okuyikho okwenza yonke into idideke kangaka. Okuhle kuyiqiniso ngokwanele ukukugcina uthemba. Odokotela bachaza umjikelezo wezigaba ezintathu ojwayelekile: ingcindezi iyakhula, kwenzeke okuthile okubi, bese kuza ukuxolisa nokuzola ngaphambi kokuba kuphinde kuqale. Uma wake wacabanga ukuthi "kodwa uma kukuhle, kuhle kakhulu," lokho akubona ubufakazi bokuthi ubudlelwane bulungile. Kuyingxenye yephethini ekugcina kubo.
Ukwethemba ukubona kwakho
Enye yezinto ezinzima kakhulu ngobudlelwane obunobuthi ukuthi bukufundisa ukungawethembi kanye lowo mzwa ozama ukukuvikela. Ngakho uma ufinyelele lapha futhi wazibona, qala lapha: ukubona kwakho kuvunyelwe ukubaluleka.
Awudingi icala eliphelele, elilungele inkantolo ukuze uzwe lokho okuzwayo. Awudingi ukulinda izinto zize zibe zimbi kakhulu ukuze ufanelwe usekelo. "Akukubi kangako" no"abanye abantu banezinto ezimbi kakhulu" yimicabango egcina abantu abaningi abahle bebhajwe iminyaka.
Izinto ezimbalwa ezizothile, ezinobungozi obuncane ezingakusiza ubone ngokucacile:
- Bhala phansi okwenzekayo, kanye nezinsuku, endaweni eyimfihlo nephephile. Amaphethini alula ukuwabona ephepheni kunasenkumbulweni, ikakhulukazi lapho umuntu elokhu ekutshela ukuthi inkumbulo ayilungile.
- Tshela umuntu oyedwa omethembayo. Ukuhlukaniswa yiwo umhlabathi konke lokhu okukhula kuwo. Ingxoxo eyodwa eneqiniso nomngane, isihlobo, noma umelaphi ingashintsha lokho okwazi ukukubona.
- Qaphela ukuthi umzimba wakho usabela kanjani kubo phakathi nesonto elivamile. Ukwesaba, ukukhululeka lapho behamba, ifindo elithukululekayo lapho bengasekho. Umzimba wakho uvame ukuqonda iqiniso ngaphambi kokuba ingqondo yakho ikuvumele ukulisho.
- Khuluma nomuntu oqeqeshelwe lokhu. Awudingi ukubeka uphawu kunoma yini noma ukwenza isinqumo ukuze ushayele. Injongo yokuxhumana ukukucabangisisa nomuntu ophephile, ngejubane lakho.
Into eyodwa ozobambelela kuyo uma ucabanga ngokulandelayo ozokwenza. Ukushiya noma ukubhekana nomuntu olawulayo kungaba ngezinye izikhathi umzuzu oyingozi kakhulu, ngakho lokhu akuyona into ozoyisombulula wedwa noma ngokushesha. Ummeli oqeqeshiwe angakusiza ucabangisise ngesimo sakho esithile, kufaka phakathi ukuphepha kwakho, ngaphandle kokukusunduzela kunoma yikuphi ukukhetha.
Ukuthi nini ufinyelele kolunye usizo
Uma noma iyiphi ingxenye yalokhu yenze isisu sakho sehle, lokho kufanele kuhlonishwe kunokukuchaza ukususe. Awudingi ukuqiniseka ukuthi "kunobuthi" noma "ukuhlukunyezwa" ukuze ukhulume nomuntu. Umelaphi angakusiza uhlunge okwenzekayo nalokho okufunayo. Futhi uma kukhona ukulawula, ukwesabisa, noma ukwesaba ukuthi omunye umuntu angasabela kanjani, ummeli wodlame lwasekhaya angakusiza ucabangisise ngezinketho zakho nokuphepha kwakho, ngokuyimfihlo nangaphandle kokwahlulela.
I-National Domestic Violence Hotline imahhala, iyimfihlo, futhi itholakala ngazo zonke izikhathi, ngocingo, ngombhalo, noma ngengxoxo. Ukuxhumana akukubopheleli kunoma yini. Kumane kusho ukuthi uyeka ukuthwala lokhu wena wedwa ngokuphelele.
Ufanelwe ubudlelwane obukushiya uyilokho oyikho kakhulu, hhayi kancane. Ukubona iphethini yiyo indlela oqala ngayo ukuthola indlela yakho yokubuyela kulokho.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, Domestic Abuse: How To Spot Relationship Red Flags
- Cleveland Clinic, Gaslighting: Definition & How To Spot It
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Power and Control Wheel